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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More a WWYD - TW death of parent

73 replies

Thiscoughneedstogo · 07/03/2026 16:30

Bulleting to stay unemotional
— mum died unexpectedly and suddenly, very close
o have a six week old and fifteen month old. One up all day, other up most of night.
o mum babysat whenever asked and every weekend for DB and DSIL. Kids 11 and 13
o DSIL doesn’t work and lives close by

Would you offer to watch kids for a bit even if just in another room if daughter said was struggling as trying to keep it together but needed the odd hour to just grieve uninterrupted with husband, or would you say ‘stay strong for the kids’.

OP posts:
ComeOnPhilEarlySpringPlease · 07/03/2026 16:35

So your DB and SIL have refused to take your small kids just for an hour?
Your brother is grieving too but she has no excuse or compassion tbh.
That said, if your mum looked after your niece/nephew so often, it spells out to me that SIL wanted child-free time so is not likely to step up and pay it forward.
YANBU
I am sorry for your loss. Daffodil

Do you have a MIL who could help out?
If not, and SIL has basically said the Stay Strong crap (shame on you SIL if you are on here) then I'd be looking for a hourly babysitter or ask DH to be more hands on during the day.
You have hit the wall of sleep deprivation plus mourning. That's a hell of a combo.
SIL won't get her hands dirty.
You are in shock and anger and bitterness that your mum could not/will not get to be grandma to your two in the same amount, will compound these feelings for a while.
Rather than let these feelings fester to resentment, I'd clear the air with your brother, explaining how you aren't coping and can get step up at all?

Fast5 · 07/03/2026 16:38

In SIL's shoes I'd probably consider my grieving husband was my priority TBH, it probably wouldn't occur to me to offer to take more on at this time.

abisothergran · 07/03/2026 16:42

Sincere condolences.Everyone grieves in their own way and you as probably the chief mourner require the most support and should not be afraid to explicitly ask for what you need to enable you to function at this difficult time.

ComeOnPhilEarlySpringPlease · 07/03/2026 16:47

Sorry, cannot re-edit. Can get him to step up at all/provide some respite, your brother - even if just an hour with his niece in the lounge. Yes, he is grieving too but siblings usually have each other's backs and the distraction might help. You don't know if his wife has also told him stay strong bollocks either.
Sorry you are going through this x

Fast5 · 07/03/2026 16:50

Aren't they in the same situation? Grieving and have lost their babysitter?

When you say "would you offer"? Would you offer to do the same for them?

Have you asked for help or are you expecting them to just offer?

TBH it probably wouldn't occur to me to offer, but I'd be unlikely to say no if asked.

Ponderingwindow · 07/03/2026 16:50

I would suspect that the spouses are supporting the primary mourners. They don’t have time to give to other households.

when my mother died, my husband helped me immensely by taking over as much of the parenting as possible. Having that time to not need to hold back my emotions was what I needed. It didn’t matter if someone was sitting next to me.

edwinbear · 07/03/2026 16:52

It’s a sad time for you and your brother. Your SIL should be supporting your brother, and your DH needs to support you. Condolences on the loss of your mum.

outerspacepotato · 07/03/2026 16:59

I think your SIL is probably busy helping your brother and her kids and can't take on any more right now. They're old enough to need a lot of her support right now.

Maybe your husband could watch them for a bit if there's things you and your brother need to do.

I'm sorry about your mom, that must be an awful shock.

InABalletBubble · 07/03/2026 17:00

Sorry for your loss.

Your brother has lost his mum too though and your SIL will be supporting him. They have older children to support too. Your husband needs to support you and give you time alone when you need it.

NightIn · 07/03/2026 17:16

Your brother has lost his mum too and you both have children. I’d presume your husband and your brother’s wife would be prioritising their own partner and children at the moment.
Will your husband be offering to look after your brother’s children so he can grieve with his wife?
Make sure your husband is giving you time away from your children when you need it as that’s his responsibility, not your SILs.

Fast5 · 07/03/2026 17:18

Yes, I agree SIL's children will need more support than small children/babies too, and it's probably easier to get alone time with DH with tiny ones than with an 11yo and 13yo too.

I'd say whilst things are obviously hard for you, SIL has her hands full too.

Butchyrestingface · 07/03/2026 17:22

On the face of it, I would say SIL needs to support her husband and kids. And your husband needs to support you.

I've been in this situation. It's awful. Don't get bogged down in counterfactuals.

ItsAWholeThing · 07/03/2026 17:29

Sorry that you have lost your mum.

Your SIL really needs to be supporting your brother and their children right now though. As their children are older they will need more support. Your husband should be supporting you and be doing more with your children to give you a break and time to grieve. Could you get a childminder or possibly a friend to help if needed?

ginasevern · 07/03/2026 17:40

Sorry, I find your post confusing, So you and your brother have both lost your mum suddenly and you both have kids? But you want your SIL to look after your kids so that you can grieve quietly because she lives near and doesn't work? I think her priority would be her (presumably) equally grieving husband and her own kids. Unless there's a massive drip feed, I think this is a rather strange expectation.

Original poster
Thiscoughneedstogo · 07/03/2026 18:05

Would I offer to help someone out especially when that person’s mum has helped me out excessively? Yes. My husband is not on maternity leave, but is allowed to mainly work from home for a couple of weeks. SIL children are in school, husband is at work. My husband’s mum also died young (leukaemia).

OP posts:
ItsAWholeThing · 07/03/2026 18:10

Thiscoughneedstogo · 07/03/2026 18:05

Would I offer to help someone out especially when that person’s mum has helped me out excessively? Yes. My husband is not on maternity leave, but is allowed to mainly work from home for a couple of weeks. SIL children are in school, husband is at work. My husband’s mum also died young (leukaemia).

I think your grief is clouding your judgement. Your brother has lost his mum, his children have lost their nan, so your SIL has a lot on her plate without looking after your children. You don’t seem to get that but I do think that’s maybe because you are deep in your own grief. The best option would be to ask a friend to help out or pay a childminder to give you some time. Or your husband could take annual leave. This really isn’t your SILs responsibility and hopefully you’ll see that in time.

TalulahJP · 07/03/2026 18:14

i dont really understand the post but very sorry for your loss.

soumds like two families have lost their mum.
they should grieve and get on with caring for their kids themselves. nobody needs to help anyone.

if only one of the two families had kids and the other family without kids wanted to offer help fair enough but both have kids so?

Original poster
Thiscoughneedstogo · 07/03/2026 18:32

Maybe. I don’t see it as my right, but I do know without a shadow of a doubt that I would behave differently if the shoe was on the other foot. She’s already asked my dad if he can still babysit when they go out on weekends. Tbf SIL and my mum were like chalk and cheese, but got on ok - it’s hard to get through the outer veneer of my SIL. My mum had more warmth and empathy in her toenail. Instead of even an “I’m sorry for your loss” to my grandma who has just lost her daughter, she said to me and her how my kids won’t remember my gran either in time.

OP posts:
FroggyFan · 07/03/2026 18:35

I’m lost, have you asked your SIL to babysit your baby and toddler and she’s said no?

Or is this hypothetical?

Fast5 · 07/03/2026 18:36

You're hurting, but don't make that SIL's fault. It sounds like you haven't even asked for help? I think in the circumstances it would be more appropriate to ask a friend.

ItsAWholeThing · 07/03/2026 18:40

Thiscoughneedstogo · 07/03/2026 18:32

Maybe. I don’t see it as my right, but I do know without a shadow of a doubt that I would behave differently if the shoe was on the other foot. She’s already asked my dad if he can still babysit when they go out on weekends. Tbf SIL and my mum were like chalk and cheese, but got on ok - it’s hard to get through the outer veneer of my SIL. My mum had more warmth and empathy in her toenail. Instead of even an “I’m sorry for your loss” to my grandma who has just lost her daughter, she said to me and her how my kids won’t remember my gran either in time.

You need to let this go OP. You obviously don’t like your SIL so why would you want her looking after your children anyway? It’s your husband’s responsibility to look after his children if you’re struggling with grief, not your SILs. Your dad has his own relationship with her and your brother so it’s up to him what he does about looking after their kids or not. Just concentrate on coping with your loss and your own children.

Ponderingwindow · 07/03/2026 18:54

You are fixating on your SIL so you don’t have to deal with your grief. This isn’t going to help.

Endofyear · 07/03/2026 20:49

I'm sorry for the sudden loss of your mum, it's devastating to lose a loving parent and doubly so when it's a shock.

Honestly though, it sounds like you don't like your sister in law much so I don't know why you'd want her to look after your children. If I were you, I'd put your energies into taking care of your babies and maybe ask your husband to step up and do some of the night waking or helping with bath and bedtime so you can have a bit of time to yourself.

CrazyGoatLady · 07/03/2026 20:57

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. I get it feels hard that SIL can't help when you really feel you could do with a few hours to yourself. I say this kindly, she is also supporting a grieving spouse and grieving children who will be processing the loss of their grandparent, as if they are school age, they will be old enough to comprehend that to an extent. She has also lost a parent in law, and while that's not the same as losing a parent by any means, both she and your husband are also grieving to an extent. She has her hands full. You both do.

Ask your husband to take the weight a little. Can he take some annual leave hours, or parental leave maybe?

ThisMauveTurtle · 07/03/2026 21:07

Sorry for your loss OP but I really think as pp said, your grief is clouding your judgement.
It's an unrealistic expectation to expect your SIL babysit so you can grieve when you have a DP.

Don't rock the boat with SIL, you may need them in an emergency, seeing as both grandmother's of your kids are deceased.
Take care