More a WWYD - TW death of parent

[Thiscoughneedstogo]

Bulleting to stay unemotional
— mum died unexpectedly and suddenly, very close
o have a six week old and fifteen month old. One up all day, other up most of night.
o mum babysat whenever asked and every weekend for DB and DSIL. Kids 11 and 13
o DSIL doesn’t work and lives close by

Would you offer to watch kids for a bit even if just in another room if daughter said was struggling as trying to keep it together but needed the odd hour to just grieve uninterrupted with husband, or would you say ‘stay strong for the kids’.

OMG! Sil is a bitch. Can't get over some of the replies on here. Hope you are ok OP.

You SIL is managing her grief, her children’s grief and your brothers grief. As well as trying to manage her normal day to day life. She probably does not have the capacity to look after 2 young children at this moment in time. Your husband should be helping you through. Your children don’t understand and therefore much easier to manage in this situation.

Why because he her husband and 2 children are grieving and she won’t look after OP’s children when there is a perfectly capable father there to look after them?

I think your SIL is very unreasonable for asking your dad if he’ll babysit.

If she offered to babysit, that would be very nice of her. But I don’t think she’s doing anything wrong by not. Just like I don’t think your husband is doing anything wrong by not offering to take your brother’s kids out for the day.

On what grounds exactly?

Looking after your children, is not your SIL issue!

With the best will in the world SIL doesn't see the help she received as coming from your mother, it came from her DH's mother, her DC's DGM.

I think you’re being unreasonable. Your SIL has a husband and 2 grieving teens to look after.

I'm very very sorry for your loss.
She was unreasonable for asking your Dad, and you are unreasonable for expecting it from her. You need to find someone else to provide childcare, she is supporting her own children and husband.

I’m so sorry for your loss 💔
Unfortunately, when you lose someone so close so suddenly, an absolute dickhead crawls out of the woodworks and that happens to be your SIL right now.

I lost my Mum while I was pregnant last year, young and very suddenly, I still haven’t properly grieved but I manage to let it out in small doses. I grieve for my daughter who lost her Nannie, her best friend, and my baby girl who will never know the love my Mum gave freely. It’s heartbreaking.
Ignore your SIL, literally, she is irrelevant, she sounds selfish and entitled. I’d point blank ignore her.

If you can’t grieve in front of your children (because they’re young and might be confused), have regular long showers and just cry.

It’s very unreasonable. That’s your DH’s role, not your SIL. Why can’t he take the kids when you need? Your SIL is responsible for supporting her DH and her older kids through this situation, not yourself. If your ash is incapable of supporting you, then that’s your AIBU, nothing to do with the SIL.

So sorry for your loss. I also think there are some crazy replies here. Maybe people missed that you have a six week old.

Your SIL sounds horrible and I can see why you're upset. As much as you can, try and park her in one corner of your mind, as she doesn't sound like the sort to change, so don't waste your energy on her.

Can your health visitor help with suggestions? Could any older relative help you a bit?

Did you see the ages of OP's children?

Yes she has a 15 month old and one at 6 weeks.

OP is grieving and her hormones are all over the place.

Still doesn't make her childcare her SIL responsibility, sounds like to me OP relied on her mum very much for childcare and will now have to manage alone.

Why is SIL a dickhead?

I agree with this. Im sorry for your loss but i do wonder if there’s a bit of you at the angry grief stage and taking it out on your SIL. It wouldn’t occur to me to look after someone else’s kids if we were going through the same thing, if asked I would probably do it but I also wouldn’t expect it. Your husband should be able to give you some quiet time by looking after both his kids for a couple of hours. Does the older one not go down at a reasonable time and the six week old just snuggle in for feeds etc. which should be a fairly quiet peaceful time for you.

I’m sorry for your devastating loss.

Would I offer to help someone out especially when that person’s mum has helped me out excessively?

This is not rational thinking. Your SIL does not owe you because her MIL babysat for her. It’s very common after a bereavement to fixate on others’ wrongs and for families to implode. Please try not to fall out with your DB and SIL at this difficult time.

Because her children are 11 and 13, she doesn’t work, had her MIL babysit every weekend and didn’t offer condolences to the OP or her Grandmother (who had just lost her daughter) and instead said OP’s children wouldn’t remember the poor Grandmother eventually (implying she, herself, is getting on a bit) and has already asked her FIL (who has just lost his wife) if he can take over the babysitting duties on a weekend.
She absolutely sounds like a dickhead.

That would make me less likely to offer to babysit tbh. Most women don’t want someone to look after their 6 week old (that’s not me criticising the OP, I’d have been fine with it. But from MN I know that an awful lot of women would not leave a baby that young and would look at someone offering to take their 6 week old for an afternoon like they’d gone mad).

I’ve got two grown up kids, and while they were absolutely amazing as babies and toddlers, I really don’t warm to other peoples young children. I wouldn’t voluntarily look after someone else’s baby unless it was an emergency. I’d happily hang out with teens though!
Some people are just not little kid people, surely you want someone who is keen to help, not sil doing it under duress?

We didn't have any grandparents help as my parents died when i was young and DH’s parents were busy looking after my SiL’s kids. We used payed help, which in a way is much easier as they do as you ask and clear off home promptly! See if you can find someone professional to help you out for a bit, even if its a cleaner or similar to take the pressure off that way, the newborn weeks are tough. Sorry for your loss.

Her not working doesn't make her a dickhead.

Having her children babysat every weekend doesn't make her a dickhead.

She probably hasn't thought to offer condolences to her SIL ( the OP ) she is dealing with her husband and children - I don't think when my MIL died I sent a card to my SIL or BIL, we were all grieving, has the OP offered condolences to her SIL?

Asking her FIL to babysit was out of order, but if they have done it every year for 13 years, it was probably just misplaced.

@Thiscoughneedstogo Have you offered condolences to your SIL and Grandma?

@Thiscoughneedstogo Doesn't like her SIL, that is the issue here.

I totally understand how you feel, and it isn’t unreasonable.

You know her though- she’s in the habit of receiving support, not giving it. She’d actually wrestling with no longer having childcare she relied on, as well as the grief of her family. She isn’t going to add any more to her load.

I agree with you that she’s a waste of space, but she isn’t going to change just because other people need support. I mean, I’m shocked at her asking your dad to babysit!

In that case, your SIL and BIL probably didn’t have positive thoughts about you at the time either 😂 you didn’t offer condolences to your SIL who lost their Mother because you were grieving?
And topping that off with “has the OP offered condolences” to the wife of her brother is ridiculous.
OP has a 6 week-old baby and a 15 month-old and is grieving her mother and you’re defending the SIL who doesn’t work, gets rid of her kids on the weekend and is sniffing out the next babysitter like a vulture.
I have absolutely no desire to discuss this with someone like you any further so enjoy your Sunday.