More a WWYD - TW death of parent

[Thiscoughneedstogo]

Bulleting to stay unemotional
— mum died unexpectedly and suddenly, very close
o have a six week old and fifteen month old. One up all day, other up most of night.
o mum babysat whenever asked and every weekend for DB and DSIL. Kids 11 and 13
o DSIL doesn’t work and lives close by

Would you offer to watch kids for a bit even if just in another room if daughter said was struggling as trying to keep it together but needed the odd hour to just grieve uninterrupted with husband, or would you say ‘stay strong for the kids’.

Well what my SIL and BIL think of me is irrelevant, I am not married to them.

My responsibility at the time was to my husband and my children.

Not sure my husband offered his condolences, they were all grieving. Come to think of it when my own father died, I didn't offer condolences to my mother, or my brothers, they never offered me theirs.

The OP is complaining she hasn't been offered condolences, but has she offered them? I don't think that is ridiculous at all.

SIL not working is nobodies business, her having her children looked after a weekend is nobodies business, the MIL was obviously happy to do it!

Fine, don't discuss it, no skin off my nose.

Your SIL is an insensitive and utterly selfish cheeky fucker to ask your grieving dad who has just lost his wife if he can still keep babysitting so that she and your brother can go out at the weekend.

If she thinks that is an OK thing to ask your dad, there is no way she would ever put herself out to help you with your kids.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Because she's already asked OP's grieving dad to keep babysitting her children at the weekend so that she and OP's brother can keep going out. Surely even you can see that she is cheeky and insensitive and just looking out for herself.

So OP who has just lost her mum needs to offer condolences to her SIL? It should be the other way round, surely?

Ok has OP offered condolences to her brother?

Do people do that in real life?

I agree asking was insensitive, but it doesn't make her a dickhead!

You have no idea of the context in what it was asked?

Maybe a poor attempt at a joke? I don't know I wasn't there, but the @Thiscoughneedstogo doesn't like her SIL that is clear.

Yes, I would offer to look after the children for short periods.

But she won’t. You have the choice to ask, risking her saying no. Or you can accept that she doesn’t think that way/doesn’t feel able.

Do you have any friends that have offered help that you can ask to sit with the kids while you and your husband get some time together.

So much sympathy - my very hands on Dad died suddenly a month ago and it is HARD, and my kids are a good bit older. Go easy.

Yes, six week old and fifteen month old. Neither of which will be aware of their grandparents death, unlike the 11yo and 13yo where brother/SIL will having to be supporting them through their grief as well as dealing with their own grief. It’s inappropriate to add babysitting to them as well. If OP needs time away from her children, it’s her DH’s role to step in further with their kids.

You sound like you hate SIL and as others have said she’s already supporting her own kids and partner. Plus you don’t know what else is going on with her.

Also having had several losses I don’t think it would occur to ask someone who hadn’t offered to babysit. I’d pay a babysitter or use evening/ nap time to discuss things I didn’t want the kids to hear. Isn’t this the normal thing?

Anyway if she can’t/ won’t do it that’s it really. Don’t let this become an obsession or an outlet for anger, that won’t help anyone.

I’m very sorry for your loss, losing your mum is brutal. But your brother has lost his mum too and supporting him is his wife’s priority. Maybe your husband could step up for you?

I’m so sorry for your loss at such a difficult time in your own life. You must be in absolute bits.

Look, SIL is not going to be there for you so forget her ( just imagine what sort of things she might say if she did come over to help). Using your energy to dwell on her is not going to help you.

Who else might be able to support you? Friends? Other family?

It might be worth speaking to your HV and asking if HomeStart are available locally, an extra pair of hands once a week might be helpful.

Take it slowly and take care of yourself. Grief is agony. 💝

Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss and how it sounded so sudden.
In her shoes I would be prioritising my husband and my own children who had a relationship with their gran involving frequent contact. She has 3 people there to emotionally support whilst maintaining day to day life.
I'm sorry as that's not what you want to hear. Please take care.

My ex-sil called (other brother) last night to check in and shared some stories which was nice. One of which was how parents had called her before her son’s party (whilst she was separated and didn’t want my brother there) to see if she wanted any help, and if it felt too raw after the split, they could just help make food/cake and drop it off and go. She told me how they’d said not to be worried about calling if she needed help with anything, or even just wanting to get out for an evening, that they wanted to strike a balance between being intrusive and helpful. She told me some funny stories about when she lived with my parents. She offered to take time off work to come and see me/help out (I refused). It made me happy that a really warm relationship was allowed to be facilitated between my parents and nephew, that they’d been allowed to take him out and spend quality time with him on their own, but so gutted for him that he’s lost that. So gutted that my children have lost that and so gutted that there are so many grandparents that want fuck all to do with their grandchildren, when my mum’s chance has gone. I felt a bit sad at how excited my parents were on the two occasions they were allowed to take my nieces out alone - both times cut short and what those girls have missed out on. SIL in OP had also lived with my parents and my grandma.

My neighbour lost her mum to a fast moving cancer. I left them food, offered to babysit if they wanted to get out for a bit. They took me up on offer a couple of times before they moved - a teeny, tiny thing to do (in my eyes) for people I didn’t even know very well but were having a rough time.
Why do people think my partner is not supportive or not stepping up?
My grandfather died a few days before I was born. I guess at least my mum got to meet her grandson and get joy from him for a few short weeks. I wish she was here to hug me and help me come to terms with losing her.
It’s my parents anniversary coming up - my poor dad. I will never forget the look on my grandma’s face seeing my mum’s coffin.

I think people are asking about your partner because of your reference to needing someone to take the kids. Also because your SIL and BIL are dealing with their older children and in your brother’s case his own grief so they just don’t seem best placed to help, regardless of what’s gone on in the past. So they want to check you’re being supported by your own immediate family first.

With your SIL you are obviously very different and it sounds as though you don’t gel. I suspect she knows you don’t like her. Best way to deal with this is to accept your BIL’s choices, leave them to it and love your nieces/ nephews but don’t expect a close relationship with her. See her as a neutral presence. If you’re constantly wanting more than she is prepared to give you’ll end up falling out with them both and have a family rift to deal with too.

Sorry for your loss to PP going through same and thank you for taking the time to reply. I wish you weren’t having to go through this.

Thanks to those who have shown a shred of empathy, even if you disagreed.

To those who have come out with some proper mental gymnastics, I have no words, but am very grateful to those who have addressed some of the more questionable replies.

I don’t hate anyone, and if something happened to someone in my SIL’s family, be it one year or five or more, of course I would try to be supportive. No question.

I’m really sorry for your loss op, sounds a hideous shock and it’s never easy to lose one so loved.
Unfortunately I agree with this. While your mum wasn’t your SILs mum, she’s your brother’s mum too and she’s your niece/nephews gran and so I can see why SIL feels her plate is already full. To be fair, losing your mother in law can be pretty rough too. It’s not a competition of course but she may be struggling herself. I’m sorry x

Not mental gymnastics at all

No one said you hated her

Your definition of support isn't necessarily hers

You're 6 weeks post partum OP, your hormones are everywhere and you're grieving.

Don't let this cloud your opinion/judgement of your SIL. She has enough on her plate.

Re: husband, I meant it would be helpful if we could have an hour together to just breathe and process - be it a walk, a coffee, or even sitting in a different room. My oldest doesn’t nap in the day - hasn’t for months, but is brilliant through the night. My youngest is up most of the night.

I’ve had a text saying she’ll do a family tea for her eldest (normally does this) in May. I thanked her and said we will pick grandma up and she said she thinks it’s best she doesn’t come - there’s been no argument (she’s always been before, me/husband or my parents do the pick up and drop off, but occasionally someone else does it, so I thought nothing of saying that). I feel like I’m through the looking glass.

Ask her why Grandma isn't invited?

With due respect OP you chose to have two children so close together.

So you have had someone offer to come over and help out (your ex-SIL), but you declined, while still wanting your SIL to offer to help?

It all feels very raw at the moment, but I think the overwhelming grief is clouding things. It's clear that you and SIL aren't close, and unfortunately you can't expect people to do what you would do if the positions were reversed.

Agreed. And to be fair, it’s always very easy to say ‘I would do xyz’ but personally I think unless you’re in those exact circumstances, you don’t really know for
sure what you’d actually do.

I refused because she’s effectively a single parent, it’s a three hour round trip for her if traffic behaves and a day off work. However, I think she understands that although I chose to have two kids close together (wasn’t expecting to after miscarriages before my first, so know I’m very lucky), I didn’t ‘choose’ for my mum to die suddenly - not as a convenient babysitter, but as a woman I absolutely adored and was very close to.

I don't think I'd be expecting someone i don't like to be looking after my children