Body image issues in your 40’s

[Leopardkilt]

I’ve always had a degree of body image issues as a 90’s kid, grew up with mum doing Rosemary Connolly all the time. I went to an all girls school which didn’t help any of us with body confidence! I was quite overweight after I had kids and I’m now the top end of the healthy range.

I used to buy all the usual girls magazines back in the day (Heat mag) when they were awfully body shaming celebs and I look back on that in horror now as I thought they looked gorgeous but I still bought the magazine!

The toxic diet culture did get to me however I think when it was just celebs that were ‘body goals’ it seemed easier to feel like a ‘normal’ person in the real world.

I don’t know if it’s my algorithms so my own fault, or what it is happening, but I feel absolutely spammed by weight loss and fitness content absolutely everywhere in the past 6 months. Loads of my targetted ads are for juniper weight loss meds despite me never clicking on it or shopping there (GLP1).

Diet and exercise is also all everyone seems to talk about at work. If you buy a box of cakes in for your birthday they will now go uneaten as everyone is on a diet and people will just ask ‘did you lose weight? You are looking slim’

We booked a holiday this year and for the past few weeks I keep looking at myself and thinking I really don’t like my stomach area, shall I lose more weight? Can I get abs? Then I don’t lose any weight or get abs, and I feel miserable about it. And think all day ‘I shouldn’t really eat that’. Then I started seeing loads of tummy tuck content in my feed and said to my husband do you think I should get a tummy tuck?

I am 45, I’ve never felt under so much societal pressure to reach an unobtainable goal of being slim, but toned and strong. I went through a phase of a few months of adding ++hours of exercise to my full time working week as a parent and had a bit of a burnout through exhaustion and pressure so I have toned it down.

Trying really hard not to repeat the cycle with our own kids about body image either as I know it’s damaging.

Not really AIBU but are other women feeling under this pressure too? It’s so hard to describe but it feels like I’m 13 again at an l girls school and not doing enough

I am not using social media for a while to try to have a break

While I am actually really happy that there have been a lot of medical breakthroughs with new drugs and we understand our bodies better, with this comes a social narrative that is everywhere and I am struggling with it that’s all

I go to a boxing class and the PT talks a lot about social media bullshit. She’s all about ‘we do this to be strong for carrying kids, to have an antidote to our desk jobs, to be able to do the adventurous activities we want to try’. Social media is just trying to sell you stuff and it can only do that if you feel you are inadequate.
My motivation is not to be a little old lady with osteoporosis like my mum but I don’t feel any pressure in my 50s to look a certain way for anyone else’s benefit.

I'm in my 50s and I don't obsess about weight but as I've got older, I have thought more about being strong and fit, wanting to avoid losing muscle and bone density as I age. I do 3 x 30 mins workouts with weights, at home not in a gym, and try and walk as much as I can. Not obsessively and it fits in easily around family life. I don't count calories or really think about weight but I do try and eat healthily and plan meals that are nutritionally dense including enough protein and fibre. I don't look at magazines or instagram and I don't compare myself to others - after 5 kids, my body is far from perfect!

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to want to stay fit and healthy. I still eat the odd cake, chocolate bar or bag of crisps but these are occasional treats rather than every day. I think finding a balance is the key.

@Endofyear would you mind sharing your weight work outs? (The source)

Get off the social media. Mine is full of nutrition geeks making ridiculous claims about collagen and tons of skin creams. I can't understand how they can legally make the claims they make. One nutrition geeks post showed someones cellulite entirely gone from taking collagen. It's utter bullshit and clearly just a photoshopped image. But my feed is bombarded by it all.

Have a look at Sally Gunnell on Facebook, she shares lots of workouts and tips for women over 50! Since I started following her, I see lots of other women sharing weights workout content (algorithms!) and just save them in my notes on my phone to do when I want. Lots of content on YouTube to, just search beginners strength training!

@Endofyear thank you so much.

I get this, and I suspect it’s a lot to do with all the angry negative posts about weight loss injections you see on here.

social media, chat forums are full of people on these drugs, most having huge successes, feeling brilliant, and it leads people to believe everyone is on them, and they are being left behind, but the reality is about 10 percent of the eligible population are on them, 90 percent are not.

so in real life it is not prevalent, it also doesn’t help people exaggerate on line, proclaiming they know multiple people on them, and assuming everyone who loses weight is lying and on tnem. As it’s so prevalent on social media, it is like an obsession for some of those who can’t access.

and so then people feel as they think they are being left behind, they need to step up, also get slim, get strong, and it has a wider impact. As doing it with the help of meds is of course much easier. Still work, but it makes it achievable

the only solution is try to contextualise it, focus on yourself not others, and come off social media, so you start to focus on it less.

A lot of our media and fashion is influenced by North America, and the use of weight loss injections there is really high, particularly for celebrities but also amongst the general population. I've definitely noticed the 'skinny is back' trend and as much as I do focus on what my body can do rather than how it looks, it is hard to ignore.
There has also been a big shift in social media trends about what fitness 'looks like'. The bodies online are so unrealistic, it's pushed that going to the gym and eating healthily will give you abs and significantly defined shoulders, a giant bum and a tiny waist. Whereas the vast majority of people, even if they went to the gym four times a week for years and ate well, would look very 'normal'. The very lean looks pushed on SM are actually very unhealthy and require body builder type training + an eating pattern that is entirely unsustainable and unhealthy. Ironically the stronger that people 'look', the physically weaker they are.

Ironically the stronger that people 'look', the physically weaker they are

yeah that’s not true, if you’ve visible muscle and tone it is overwhelming likely you are physically stronger than someone who does not, and a sign of visible muscle doesn’t mean you’re physically weak it’s the opposite.

and you’re also incorrect on we would look”normal” I have no idea what that is, but consistent exercises and weight training does build muscle and impact body shape. Sure you can’t go against genetics. If you’re short you will always be short, if you’ve slim hips you will always have slim hips, but to say people can’t tone their stomachs and waists and build their glutes or define their shoulders with consistent strength training is very wrong.

@Thelankyone did I say people can't define their waists or add muscle anywhere? Or did I say that people can't do so to the level that is suggested on SM?
I am a hobbyist but I train alongside athletes. They look pretty ordinary. They are not the levels of lean and sculpted that are promoted on social media. The very lean looks, where people have very defined muscle, striations etc, for most people require a level of bodyfat that leaves them feeling tired all the time, cold, and constantly thinking about food. It's well known amongst those who compete in bodybuilding about how strong they look yet it's the weakest they've ever felt. A good friend of mine broke her hip in her early twenties due to the impact that BB had on her body. Yet her 'look' at the time wouldn't even be considered that extreme compared to what is normal on SM fitness pages now. Another young woman I train with cut specifically for a competition in a combat sport, to drop a weight category. Only temporary, very carefully managed by a professional, went as low as 11% bodyfat (her body tolerated that, most women couldn't perform at a level that low, it's close to 'essential for survival') You know what she didn't have at that weight? Visible abs. Not her bodytype.

The current trend for women is to have huge glutes and a tiny waist. Glutes can grow, sure, but not to the level commonly shown on social media without a BBL. And to grow enormous glutes and then retain that growth while cutting to the amount needed for a 'snatched' waist is again really unrealistic if not impossible for many bodies.

To be clear I absolutely advocate strength training for everyone, especially women. But the idea promoted on social media is that regularly working out and eating well will give you a certain look that is actually based on filters, lighting, temporary extreme cuts, surgery and/or being in a genetic 1%.

My first advice is reduce Instagram use and completely delete TikTok if you have it.

Beyond that - I have found that as long as I exercise 3 times a week (running) I know 100% that that's all I have time for, with the best will in the world, so my weight is what it is (probably about 24 BMI with big boobs!)

Honestly, and I mean this nicely - nobody is looking at you and judging your body. And if they are you don't want to know them.

I have reduced/come off social media I said this in my OP.

I agree that the bodies online are not realistic - mine is not a bad body in any way, I’m healthy and it functions well and I can put it back into perspective, just feel overwhelmed with ‘advice’ about collagen, peptides, staying strong, getting lean etc etc

I do a lot of my own strength training but I took a break last week from putting all this pressure on myself to try to reset

I am not saying anyone else is looking at my body, I’m looking at my own body and feeling inadequate

I do agree with this, your body shape and genetics do factor here, some people have no chance to ever achieve this look via weight lifting, and many insta fitness women have been exposed as having BBL’s

I have loads of Sally Gunnell workouts saved! Bit haven't started them yet.

Can I ask want weight weights you use? At the moment that's the thing stopping me!

Start with really low weights and just build up

I'm using 2kg at the moment and that's working well for me, my son suggested 4kg but they were way too heavy!

Op,you must be looking at that content , like you stopped and watched as that’s what feeds the algorithm, I’ve never had content for tummy tucks. Collagen glp’s etc and I’m actually on a glp. Because when that stuff came up I scrolled on. And didn’t view. My feed is full of the stuff I did pause and look at, clothes influencers, house renovations, wildlife, and, um punch, the little japenese monkey .😂

you can also click on the right hand corner dots and click not interested and it will stop showing you that kind of stuff.

but I think we will see a lot of this, as more and more women go on these meds, and most of them focus on healthy eating, protein, gym, some other women will start to compare themselves and feel they need to compete or feel bad about themselves. They will internalise it and feel they need to act. Like some people look at house renovation stuff on their feed and then feel sad about their own homes.

I think FB is targeting me as I am in this demographic so it’s not based on my views like instagram. My other socials are not as bad this to be honest because I am not a customer for a GLP1 so I am not watching the content or wanting to

@Leopardkilt i'm glad you said this

I'm not getting it suggested online

But in real life, everyone I know - I don't know a lot of people to be fair 😂 - has got into quite hard gym training and no one eats sugar any more.

I do some exercise, but I no longer say that - I'm very overweight and I think people are puzzled that I don't look different - i'm also physically incompetent, have no coordination, at risk of falling over my own feet etc so it's easier just to say "no I don't work out" in reality I do a bit at home.

I do easy exercise compared to what people seem to be doing now

I have noticed that for a lot of people it's a real passion, and I think that's great. More power to them. But your post has actually made me wonder if some of it is social pressure, social media pressure and if we're going back to the days of women being expected to look ... not a certain way, but I guess part of an increased range of certain ways?

i'm 50 and I was hoping to stop worrying about what I look like. I normally cut my own hair but it went a bit mad last time 😂 so I had to find a hairdresser and one of the first questions they asked on the phone was if the haircut is natural hair.

I talked to them about it when I went in and they said that so many women are wearing additional hair pieces, etc that they like to ask before the appointment because it complicates the cut I guess.

I initially thought it's great if people are enjoying working out. But then I fell down a rabbit hole trying to google something about functional stuff and exercise - and I realised how many people are working out to fit a particular aesthetic.

I've been struggling to articulate this but I think you've hit on part of it and now I'm wondering if social media is a factor.

I was talking to one guy who has really enjoyed gym training after taking it up and said he just sees it as a bit of fun. Like many people, he's tracking macros and everything like that. I think his next aim is to hit 19% body fat. He's just finding it all incredibly fun. I can't imagine finding it fun.

I wish I did though.

I feel as if there's no class at the gym and that I could join now because they would all just be really hard - I did used to go to the gym years ago and you could always pick something moderate.

sorry if that doesn't link into what you were trying to say. I nearly started a thread asking "is everyone working out really hard now?" Because it does feel a bit like that. I've got neighbours in their 30s who are in the gym two hours a day. Also a new one opened up nearby and people were saying on the WhatsApp group that it's not open early enough. It opens at 6am. From this, I discovered that the 5 am club is a thing....

@EmeraldRoulette yes I connect with how you feel - it’s real isn’t it!

I do actually like working out but I am sometimes doing it for the wrong reasons.

Have a look at Move with Emma, she is on instagram and has a very realistic approach to exercise and body image in your forties.

Also have a look at Emily Skye if she’s not been mentioned so far - very authentic

I was just saying to someone the other day that our generation is one of the most exposed to “advice“. There are a few people I like to follow on Instagram who do a podcast, but every week it’s a different expert telling you a different thing to change in your life. It sucks the fun out of things you previously enjoyed.

i exercise for five times a week & for 20 years have drunk 3 L of water per day out of my trusty water bottle. Sometimes I go wild & drink weak squash. apparently I’m micro dosing plastic and the juice is gonna ruin my teeth. And apparently my morning coffee isn’t doing me any good so I need to have lemon water, but actually don’t have lemon water cause that damages your teeth. (Etc etc).

Honestly, you can’t win and we need to stop following all these ‘experts’.

if it helps, with regards to your situation, I had a mother who loathed her body and it was obvious she did. It made my teenager years difficult because I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I’m sure you have a lovely body. Fake until you make it and accept it, no one cares what you look like on the beach.

For everyone saying about referring to SWS, they’d take one look at this, see the child has been taken to the gp and do nothing. They wouldn’t get involved because a parent is frustrated about a face to face meeting when they can easily explain why

I really agree. I read The Times and every other article in Style section is about some habit you should be adopting, in diet and exercise and lifestyle.

Menopause and perimenopause have been discussed to a degree that now as a post-menopausal woman I feel bad for not lifting weights. I do loads of other exercise but consider this the wrong kind of exercise because weights come up on every other thread.

I am largely off social media, and that would make my inadequacies far worse.