Body image issues in your 40’s

[Leopardkilt]

I’ve always had a degree of body image issues as a 90’s kid, grew up with mum doing Rosemary Connolly all the time. I went to an all girls school which didn’t help any of us with body confidence! I was quite overweight after I had kids and I’m now the top end of the healthy range.

I used to buy all the usual girls magazines back in the day (Heat mag) when they were awfully body shaming celebs and I look back on that in horror now as I thought they looked gorgeous but I still bought the magazine!

The toxic diet culture did get to me however I think when it was just celebs that were ‘body goals’ it seemed easier to feel like a ‘normal’ person in the real world.

I don’t know if it’s my algorithms so my own fault, or what it is happening, but I feel absolutely spammed by weight loss and fitness content absolutely everywhere in the past 6 months. Loads of my targetted ads are for juniper weight loss meds despite me never clicking on it or shopping there (GLP1).

Diet and exercise is also all everyone seems to talk about at work. If you buy a box of cakes in for your birthday they will now go uneaten as everyone is on a diet and people will just ask ‘did you lose weight? You are looking slim’

We booked a holiday this year and for the past few weeks I keep looking at myself and thinking I really don’t like my stomach area, shall I lose more weight? Can I get abs? Then I don’t lose any weight or get abs, and I feel miserable about it. And think all day ‘I shouldn’t really eat that’. Then I started seeing loads of tummy tuck content in my feed and said to my husband do you think I should get a tummy tuck?

I am 45, I’ve never felt under so much societal pressure to reach an unobtainable goal of being slim, but toned and strong. I went through a phase of a few months of adding ++hours of exercise to my full time working week as a parent and had a bit of a burnout through exhaustion and pressure so I have toned it down.

Trying really hard not to repeat the cycle with our own kids about body image either as I know it’s damaging.

Not really AIBU but are other women feeling under this pressure too? It’s so hard to describe but it feels like I’m 13 again at an l girls school and not doing enough

I am not using social media for a while to try to have a break

While I am actually really happy that there have been a lot of medical breakthroughs with new drugs and we understand our bodies better, with this comes a social narrative that is everywhere and I am struggling with it that’s all

I think the expectations are even worse than the 90s waif. Admittedly I was a skinny teen so it wasn’t bad for me but now you are expected to have a 6 pack after dc, a firm high bum, pert breasts, long legs, strong arms etc.

But i’ve been going to the gym for years & the vast majority look nothing like the above even the 20 yrs olds pre dc.

I think that after a few years or so of this stuff seeming less of an issue, it's come back.
Not sure what my 'evidence' is, just, like you OP, I've noticed a lot of people on diets and talking about weight loss. Less celebration of 'curves' than we've become used to, and more of a return to thin being aspirational. Its a great shame because it was lovely to think the younger generation of women weren't obsessed with unobtainable Kate Moss style bodies. I hope we never go there again.

See I think this is a good thing. So many people don’t know what to do, it doesn’t mean you need to go for the six pack, few can achieve it. But strength training as we age is really important; I myself do a mix of cardio and weights. Social media, the media, has taught me a lot I did not know. About muscle,hydration, nutrition, etc,

I don’t sit and go on no, I’m doing it wrong and switch it off, i use it to educaye myself and tweak my activity in line,

@KindnessIsKey123 I don't follow any of that stuff on social media but I see so much of it in real life and they may be influenced by a bit? I don't want to make assumptions.

@friendlyflicka I started doing light weights when I was 18, it was honestly enough and I noticed that things like hanging from a strap on my Tube journey were much less problematic.

But… And a very important but… I'm one of these people who is not naturally fit, strong or anything. I'm naturally crap, basically. So it was valuable for me to do it. You may not need to do it at all. My mother has never done it, never did any structured exercise,and she was always quite naturally strong if you know what I mean? Anyway, she's 87 and doing quite well for her age. So much of this is how you were made. She has noticed a change over the years as well. So in her 60s, the GP used to see a certain inevitability about some of her problems. And it was silly, so we don't want to go back to that. But now after a few hospitalisations and pretty major health problems, there seems to be lack of realism about what an 87-year-old can do. Which is absolutely mad considering she has gone quite far past average life expectancy.

I have tried lifting heavy at a couple of different points in my 30s and forties. and my experience was it's annoying and you have to eat a lot of protein. Personally, I would not feel bad about not lifting weights. I'm back to light ones. I realised if I wanted to do rock climbing or something then heavy weights would be useful. But keeping it in perspective, I don't enjoy it and there isn't a need for me to do it.

Aged 50, I do think there is more pressure - as in external social pressure - which we can all ignore, and then there was before. I don't feel as if it would be okay to wear beige crimplene trousers 😂 or indeed have grey hair. I have quite a lot of grey hair. And my hair is black! I am dying it - can't really imagine walking into a work meeting looking as I really look if you know what I mean.

I think when I was 30, I just assumed I wouldn't feel any of those pressures at 50. But I do. And it becomes problematic in workplace because if everyone's doing it., I'd look unkempt by comparison.

Someone else mentioned pressure to look good after having babies. I haven't had children but I can certainly see how that would apply.

I have always been a low energy person and a low strength person, since I was a little kid. I have to do a little bit of exercising in order to function well. But what other people in my age group are doing feels like far too much.

I do have one acquaintance in her 30s who says the same as me - why do we never meet people who are just sitting on their sofa eating Oreos? 😂 thank goodness we have each other. We can go for a nice gentle walk on a sunny day - I remember going for a walk with someone on Hampstead Heath, a place I really like, and she charged around for top speed at two hours. That is not who I am!

sorry that was very long because I'm ranting now 😂 there's a local social walk thing that I would really like to join but they don't seem to ever do less than 7 miles. Please tell me it's not just me that doesn't want to do 7 miles?!

I agree with the benefits of lifting weights and I do actually enjoy it. No dispute from me about the benefits

however I am subconsciously probably also striving for abs and a toned bum because I feel peer pressure about what I should look like nowadays. In the 90’s it was just being very thin now it’s all about muscle mass and macros. It’s a lot of pressure on women.

I have really noticed this too, I think sometimes it’s around celebs then it becomes a trend.

We are now obsessed with all looking like we can do a hyrox comp 24/7 or that we live and breathe CrossFit.

@EmeraldRoulette thank you. That makes a lot of sense. I am such a puritan I had never actually considered if this weights advice was targeted at people like me. I am a very manual person and am constantly lifting in everyday life. I have toned arms from life and find lifting weights at the gym very dull. It had never occurred to me that maybe I did enough in my normal life. Don't know why at all. Thank you for your very comprehensive answer. Really grateful.

I think so many of us were traumatised by the super skinny look of the 90s abd the magazine covers. I was naturally slim but often dieted to become even more waif like.
i looked very unwell
Anyway fast forward to my mid 40s and I see lots of my friends with osteopenia especially those a bit older because of their low bmi over the years. I now strength train to try and counteract how much I’ve fucked up my skeleton. I do care about how I look but my focus is health and longevity

@friendlyflicka for context some of the skills we tend to lose as we get older include the ability to correct your balance, to get up from the floor, to get up from a chair, to climb stairs, to lift something overhead. If someone say, moves to a flat with everything on a single level, or gets frozen sounder in middle age and never quite gets their movement back and relies on a partner to put things in the top cupboards, doesn't get the bus or train so doesn't practice correcting balance etc, the ability to do these things can go really quickly. There are PTs who work with older adults specifically to regain the strength to get themselves up of the floor, in case of a fall. The good news is that even in adults in their 90s there's evidence that they can increase muscle mass and strength with resistance training (including body weight, bands etc, ie something appropriate to their age)
It sounds like your daily life is keeping you fit though!

OP, I completely agree and feel the same.
When you’ve been a teen in the 90s, it’s hard to do “sensible” stuff like healthy eating and strenght training (great in themselves) without obsessing and without them taking up way too much headspace.

I wish I could just “do the thing” without ever thinking about the results!

I'm sorry youre feeling this way about yourself OP. I made a very similar post to this not too long ago, and honestly the comments opened my eyes a lot to my body. Lengthy comment incoming, sorry.

I said in my post that I basically hate my body and have my exes voice in my head all the time, telling me I dont look good enough / how I did before kids. I also had that feeling of being a teenager again, trapped in a world of seemingly perfect people and getting told you need to be leaner/stronger at every turn. Compared myself to people on social media, so I stopped using it. Then I just started comparing myself to people in real life and the nightmare was just never-ending. I also went to an all-girls school and agree completely with the impact it has. Girls tore each other apart with the bitchy comments about looks and weight, it was rife. It was horrible.

I have now begun to focus on remembering to be grateful for my body and all it can do, and has done. It has grown and fed 2 beautiful healthy children. It enables me to do daily tasks with ease. I am beginning to get so grateful for it.

In the last few days I have realised that I wasn't treating my body kindly when in that dark place. I was skipping meals, starting to heavily restrict calories again, began exercising excessively. Then when it wasn't achieving my 'perfect body' quickly enough I would get depressed and starting eating a bunch of unhealthy foods. I was also not eating anything of much nutritional worth (cereal for a lot of meals, for instance), and I came to realise the obvious; my body was feeling bad because I wasn't giving it sufficient nutrition. My mental state was poor as well from the lack of food, and poor nutrition.

My take home point is that, you need to first look after your body before your mental state, and how you feel about yourself, will truly improve. You need to make the conscious choice to plan healthy meals, exercise as you have been but don't overdo it. Rather than focus on losing weight or getting strong, focus on what makes you feel good.

Healthy food and water make me feel so good. Not consuming alcohol makes me feel amazing. I have started running after being advised to on my old thread, and honestly this has worked wonders. I was in a mental state fixated on needing to go to the gym to 'get lean and be strong', but instead of that, i just started running. It clears my mind, and I've already noticed some weight loss which wasn't even really my goal anymore at that point, but has made me happy. The commenter advised me to focus on being able to run for longer each time and time myself each time that I run, and I feel such a sense of achievement and happiness when I'm able to run for longer.

Try not to get too caught up on what you look like, and instead how you feel. With time, how you feel about you look will improve. Try not to be so hard on yourself either, we all work bloody hard and having to be self conscious about our bodies that society and the media want to constantly scrutinise us for is yet another burden that nobody should have to bear.

I don't think anyone who grew up in the 90s has a great view of their body.
I remember being a size 12 curvy girl/ woman size 36 dd and feeling sooo fat.
I tried dieting and probably lived on cigarettes and alcohol at uni late 90s.
What had surprised me is somehow I wore a size 10 column type wedding dress, I looked at it recently 22 years later, I doubt my size 8, 17 year old could fit into it but I was so worried that I was fat!!!
Madness!!
Im currently a 14, have been bigger but I've had a double mastectomy and am flat so actually don't care anymore!

@Jigglywigglypuff thank you this is a lovely post and thanks for taking the time. I feel like you do understand this weird feeling. I am trying this kind of mindfulness and kindness and self care.

I’m similar age to you and I’ve feel the pressure since I was 12- to be thin. Never went away.

I’m sorry to hear that. Mine got better, probably because at some point in the 2000’s, having a curvy figure became a good thing. Now it’s back to some unobtainable goal of being Hyrox Barbie

I am often found sitting on my sofa 🤣 and feel the same, that everyone is doing so much exercise these days all the time, makes me feel exhausted just thinking about it.

I mainly just walk most days (plus if I am having a good week, one or two online classes with light weights) and I only rarely walk seven miles and then usually by accident like getting lost in a city on holiday or something!

I'm so glad that was helpful

I'm often embarrassed by my complete physical ineptitude - I've posted on here before about trying to correct it but the things I have tried have been no help at all.

I haven't looked too much into it but thought dyspraxia was a possibility although I did really take to driving. That seems to be the thing that rules you out of having dyspraxia.

If you can get yourself off the floor if you fall down, then maybe you're absolutely fine. Maybe you are naturally athletic.

You could absolutely compare my physical fitness with people who haven't done any (my friends from the past) and you will find that they are physically stronger and in better all round shape than I was when I was going to the gym a lot. People's natural set up varies hugely.

i'm having a battle with it at the moment because it's hard to accept that you're physically rubbish and nothing can be done. But I've also had a major spinal injury and years ago I broke my ankle. Put that into the life of somebody who was physically inept in the first place, and there's a lot to ask for to get an improvement.

I am no longer able to drive for health reasons so by default, I have to walk for all errands and for work.

@Handeyethingyowl thank you for sharing that. I was actually thinking that I need to do some proper cardio! I can't say I want to do it. But I would find it hard to keep up with people now unless it was a gentle potter kind of thing. I'm unsteady on my feet so I don't tend to want to go on speed walks or anything!

I have to work out how bothered I am about this kind of thing I suppose.

Yes!!! I put enormous pressure on myself to be slim and toned. I'm not and never been that overweight, but after having my my 2nd DC in 2013 I never got back to what I was. I hit the gym hard in 2018, which was easy working part time, and lost 1.5 stone. I was toned and looked bloody good imo.

Then covid hit, I went back to work full time and excercise became less frequent. I'm now juggling studying a HND on top of full time work, two kids and a killer commute. I love the gym, but I simply cannot find the time atm , and now I'm 46 it's sooooo much harder to lose the weight. My stomach and hip fat is gross. The rest is passable but I feel like shit. And I drink too much 🤷‍♀️

PS someone mentioned living in a small flat - that's me. So I do tend to need a walk because otherwise I'd go nuts - but you certainly get a lot less movement. I live on my own so it's always me putting things on shelves that are high(for me. I am very short.) and it's always me carrying shopping or whatever. I do increasingly trying to avoid that to be honest and get as much delivered as I can. I'm happy to keep up with light weights but I really can't face doing heavy ones again.

I think a lot of women in their 40s would really relate to this, I do! Even when you’re in a healthy range, exercising & living normally, the goalposts keep moving from “be thin” to “be thin but toned” to “be lean but still soft but also visible abs,” and so on. Even in beauty and skincare it's the same. Back then the comparison pool was smaller (magazines, celebrities), whereas now it’s constant & disguised as “helpful content.” You already noticed burnout from pushing exercise too far is actually a really important insight. Choosing to step back from social media for a while isn’t avoidance. It’s actually a pretty healthy reset!

Most of the influencer ones are faked. Starving themselves and pretending some vitamin helped them. It grinds my gears! But I also hear you, I was a bit like this before kids, then around 8 years in the thick of parenting I didn’t think about it at all really . now the parenting is easier and life is less hectic I find myself concentrating on my body a bit too much again. I’m not fat at all but because I used to be skinny, I really see the fat on myself now even tho I work out alot, I do eat well and from scratch but also love eating out and drinking wine!! Maybe being less busy with the home has made me have a void that needed filling so I’m about to get a hobby so I don’t obsess and end up in this skinny trend!

I can relate @Leopardkilt
I do think social media is a big part of the problem. I reckon you'll feel the pressure lift if you step away from social media for a bit.
Someone on the radio was talking about an increase in body dysmorphia the other day. I had a bit of a light bulb moment when they were describing the condition. That's exactly how I feel.

I had a friend on social media who I have had to unfriend. My algorithm is much better than it was after a break, but this wasn’t helping

Daily posts and stories about her workout regime and while it was all really impressive - she’s decided to train for hours a day, every day, with no days off (even Xmas) - she is unbelievably strong, more than I could ever be, and I admire her dedication and work ethic, I realised she’s constantly body checking. All her camera angles are set up to show off definition in certain areas and despite being under 50kg in weight, she’s always talking about weight cuts and calories. (I don’t know where she gets time to see her kids or work as she always in the gym)

The final straw for me was her doing multiple posts with videos focused on her new ab definition. Undressed I feel like I look like a melted welly after pregnancies and c-sections and I’m 20kg heavier than her, less strong and the whole thing just makes me feel completely crap about myself. It’s not her fault, she looks good and she’s worked for it, but I think it’s some kind of BDD or an ED type region of behaviour and it makes me look at myself in an unhealthy way.

Definitely don't need to be looking at stuff like that 😕