No, just fuck off!

[McSteamyorMcdreamy]

DH is an alcoholic. A reasonably functioning alcoholic, but an alcoholic none the less.

He knows it, yet refuses to do anything about it. Your typical narcissistic, selfish alcoholic.

I've been reading a lot about how to live/deal with an alcoholic and I keep coming up against the same thing: "It's because they are traumatised so be thoughtful, supportive etc"

I've literally just read a blog on a well known private detox place and all I could think was you self indulgent, narcissistic prick.

DH has been through trauma, yet he consistently refuses to do anything about it despite years of support. He cried the other day because apparently 2 years ago I character assassinated him and he's never got over it. Did I? Yes. Because I was sick to the fucking back teeth of everyone fucking pandering to him.

Fuck off. Sort your fucking shit out and stop blaming everyone. Take responsibility for your recovery.

Am I being really harsh? Or is it just years of gaslighting that's making me feel guilty?!

Apologies for the rant!

No, you're right, but he probably won't change so there's a decision to be made.

Just dump him. If you'd done it 2 years ago you wouldn't be going through it.

People will always have a reason but a reason doesn't permit ongoing bad choices that everyone else has to live with.

You have no love or respect for him. All i hear is contempt and resentment, why don't you leave?

I don’t know about your particular circumstances, but I’m trying to support someone who is - in their own words - in denial , and is an emotional black hole (doesn’t matter how much emotional support I provide, it gets swallowed up and makes no difference). So no, yanbu and they can eff off.

it’s exhausting and makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong because nothing I say or do helps. They have no awareness though.

All drunks are narcissistic selfish people. The whole point of getting sober is to realise that you are. When you stop putting the need for a drink before anything else that's when you get better. All the bollocks about trauma and the need for support is bullshit. No one can support a drunk to stop drinking, they need to do it themselves.

The trauma is an excuse to drink. He needs to be told that and believe it. The first is easy, the second is often impossible.

Thankyou. Appreciate the replies.

I'm mentally exhausted. Struggle to function some days. When I breakdown though I'm being dramatic and making him feel like shit for doing so because his mental health is so much more important.

Just because he's an alcoholic doesn't mean you need to stick around...?
If he doesn't want to change, you don't have to hang around offering fake support

Does it sound like he has love or respect for her? Are you in agreement with the “aw bless, set yourself on fire to keep him warm” ?

people only change for themselves - if he won't change for himself it will never happen. Drunks will blame everyone except themselves - that is to avoid the responsibility of their life choices. As soon as they take responsibility and decide they want to change then they will.

Until then there is nothing you can do for them.

My dgf was an alcoholic. He died when I was 2. However his alcoholism affected my dm and hence the way she parented. It’s not just the dc that suffer, It’s the dgc too.
I have no sympathy whatsoever for alcoholics. I know It’s an addiction and It’s not the drinking per se that annoys me. It’s the fact that rather than leave and drink themselves to death on their own they manipulate family into putting up with their selfish behaviour. Alcoholics ruin their dc’s lives.

@McSteamyorMcdreamy get rid is my advice.

You are not doing anything about your situation either

you have choice to leave, why aren’t you?

teh choice is stay and support or leave

You sound co dependent - you can leave anytime

Completely untrue and not the way to go

4.5 years sober following living with alcohol addiction myself

YANBU. No one asks for addiction but it’s his responsibility to solve. From your post, I think you should leave him.

Have you tried giving him an ultimatum? Detox or you separate?

You mustn't know many drunks then... you can lead a horse to water etc. he's not giving up unless he wants to.

You need to leave him. He won't change. My BIL never has.

They almost never change.

You can’t support an alcoholic.
They don’t want support, they want someone to excuse their behaviour.

I think both things can be true, you are exhausted burned out and sick of his shit. He is not coping with his trauma and is struggling mentally. It's not about whether he is a good or bad person and all that's in between, it's about your breaking point. It's ok to reach it and be done with it all. It's ok to think of yourself too.

You've never been around a drunk have you? Drunks, like all addicts, will lie and lie and lie and then blame everything and everyone rather than face up to and deal with their addiction. It's much easier for them that way. It's always someone else's fault. Until it isn't and that's when they have half a chance of recovery.

OP I don't blame you.

Divorce him? Not sure why you’ve stuck around.

Absolutely not, he clearly doesn't have the capacity to love and respect her, his addiction has taken over his life.

My point was he has erroded the relationship to the point that she has lost any love or respect she may have once had (undeestandably). At that point it's time to leave. She won't be able to help him, he won't be able to stop. If she stays he'll ruin her life as well as his.

An addict who will go to any lengths to justify and continue their behaviour will suck the life force out of you. You cannot change it even if you think you can. You can't control it and you certainly can't cure it. Realising and understanding that is a liberation for you.

My husband had a drinking problem

I know all about it - but putting them all in one group and calling them selfish narcissistic drunks is unhelpful and untrue as said and doesn’t get you anywhere - it’s very polarised immature behaviour

I’m a recovering alcoholic, sober for many years. I got sober with AA and all I know is that you absolutely 100% cannot get sober unless you accept responsibility for your drinking. Blaming others, self pity - these are the luxuries of the drunk.

It sounds like he is in no way ready or willing to address his alcoholism.

You don’t have to accept this life.