No, just fuck off!

[McSteamyorMcdreamy]

DH is an alcoholic. A reasonably functioning alcoholic, but an alcoholic none the less.

He knows it, yet refuses to do anything about it. Your typical narcissistic, selfish alcoholic.

I've been reading a lot about how to live/deal with an alcoholic and I keep coming up against the same thing: "It's because they are traumatised so be thoughtful, supportive etc"

I've literally just read a blog on a well known private detox place and all I could think was you self indulgent, narcissistic prick.

DH has been through trauma, yet he consistently refuses to do anything about it despite years of support. He cried the other day because apparently 2 years ago I character assassinated him and he's never got over it. Did I? Yes. Because I was sick to the fucking back teeth of everyone fucking pandering to him.

Fuck off. Sort your fucking shit out and stop blaming everyone. Take responsibility for your recovery.

Am I being really harsh? Or is it just years of gaslighting that's making me feel guilty?!

Apologies for the rant!

I left my first husband, an alcoholic, after going through an exhausting period of time trying to get him to change his ways. I’ve watched him detonate his next few relationships with his substance abuse. Leopards and spots

Fuck off. Sort your fucking shit out and stop blaming everyone. Take responsibility for your recovery.
You sound at the end of your tether but quite honestly the same could be said to you. Sort your shit out, stop blaming him for the life you are living, take responsibility for YOUR life.

How may we help you to leave?

My husband had a drinking problem

you don’t know it all!!!

Some of them behave like that but a lot don’t

And you bickering about the types of alcoholics isn't helping OP either. Maybe focus on her?

No bickering - just not agreeing with your aggressive uneducated posts that don’t help anyone

Don’t need to focus on OP - there’s nothing to say except leave that already been said - she sounds codependent which I and many other posters have said already

you seem agressive that you've been found to be wrong - then moved to insulting

This should be your focus. He's not going to change.

You can but you have to be very real and honest with yourself

Please point out where I was aggressive or uneducated. And you are now bickering with me 🙄

Both your mental health is important. And both of you are refusing to make decisions to improve it. He refuses to stop drinking and you refuse to leave.

Why are you still with him op? It’s well
known that alcoholics are selfish destructive people who will bring down everyone around them. Just leave him to destroy himself rather than you.

Well put. I completely agree, as the child of an alcoholic.

Even if he goes into recovery - he will always be an alcoholic. And that takes a toll on everyone around them. Kids don't get much choice in the matter but grown up partners do.

I was in your position over 20 years ago.I had told my alcoholic partner that we were finished, finally and threw him out after giving years of love and support which nearly broke me ( he had experienced a traumatic childhood) . He went to rehab ( I lost count of the times he walked out of rehab.) One day, after he'd been through a medical detox I got a visit from his community psychiatric nurse ( uninvited) who said ' You will support him to stay sober won't you?' , and I just told her 'sorry, but NO' I said id finally had enough and that I wished him well ,but I was never,ever going to get involved with him again, and I didn't and its the best decision I made.

If you'd split with him 2 years ago, chances are you'd be spending this weekend pottering around a garden centre and musing what nice food to make yourself tonight and what to watch on Netflix, rather that throwing good after bad, stressing about how to reach someone who doesn't want to change.

Sometimes you need to be prepared to love and leave someone to create the space you need. Think of it in baby steps if it's too hard: why can't you move out and still have a relationship with him? If its money, then he could support you for once by selling the house and sharing the money so you can live seperately and continue a relationship. But he won't, because everything suits him and he doesn't want change.

If the past is anything to go by, it will be another 2 years and you'll be in the same place. I know you feel like you're banging your head against a brick wall but, and I say this from a gentle place, I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall trying to convince you that you're choosing this life every bit as much as he is. If you can't make a change, you can't really expect him to.

If he's not going to change and you have so much contempt for him (understandably), the relationship is over. End it and move on with your life. Advice to be supportive is all well and good for professionals and friends, maybe even extend family, but when you're living with it and significantly impacted by their behaviour it isn't realistic. You don't have to live this way.

I had to comment because voting was not enough. I grew up with a father with a severe mental health problem and up until mum called time when I was 11 everything - including my mum being diagnosed with the same kind of cancer that killed her mother- was framed around its impact on him. I've seen what that did to my mum and I feel the impact of being told my dad had been through so much and needed me to be a good supportive daughter (by my grandparents) 35 years later.

I'm sorry for every bit of trauma your DH has been through. My dad went through horrific things. However "no, fuck off" is exactly the right answer to the people telling you to be soft and gentle and supportive.

You are a person too, and you are actively going through trauma.

So sorry OP, this sounds dreadful. What is keeping you in the relationship?

I wouldn’t be looking into how to live with him, I’d be looking into how to live elsewhere. And then filing for divorce. Why do you have to put up with it?

He chooses to drink, you choose to stay.

You cannot change him. Why are you still there putting up with it?

It’s not that easy to just leave though is it? Go where? How many of us can comfortably support a move to a new home on our own? That’s without even bringing children into the equation. A bed sit or house share isn’t a realistic solution.

I'm sorry for your situation OP, and im also sorry that you’ve had simplistic and belligerent bickering on your thread.

i hear your frustration and I agree with the “trauma” excuse / reasoning. I think you’ve had a fortunately lucky life if you made it to middle age without experiencing a degree of trauma. It’s not a get out clause.

My husband was like this. I was supportive and did everything and every six months or so had a supportive conversation to him about how his drinking needed to be addressed. I have since learnt that this is co dependency, because I made his life easier, he was able to continue. I left him a year ago and had absolutely underestimated the influence he had on our lives and how anxious it made me. My life is still challenging but I am on the up and the best bit is that my future is down to me, not down to whether he gets help. One of the things I find it difficult to forgive is that he NEVER tried to give up.
He is also now going around telling people he's drinking much less because being married to me made him drink. This isn't actually true, but all part of the lies. I recommend, whatever decision you make (whether to stay or leave) that you consider attending Al-Anon meetings, you may find support and help here.

His primary relationship is with alcohol, once I understood this about my ex partner everything made so much more sense.

He doesn't sound like he's paricularly 'functioning'

I have always hated the word functioning. I had some counselling and my counsellor asked, 'yes, but who is he functioning for?' and I realised that he functioned for himself, but as his his alcoholism progressed he functioned less and less for others and his family and his world got smaller and smaller. The last few years I saw a significant cognitive decline in my husband, I still have no idea how is holding on to this six figure job!

You have no control over his drinking, focus on what you can control - your own life and wellbeing, we’re so buried in partner’s addiction that fighting to climb out of the abyss to daylight feels impossible but it’s fundamental to your mental and physical health and chance of a future away from the madness, all the time you stay with an alcoholic you’re living in their insanity