Would you let husband take 18mth old across country to see his family for a few days (3) without you (mum)?

[onyxtulip]

Just that really. I don't like the idea of not seeing my DD for 3 days and worry that she'd be upset also. But he is a competent dad and my inlaws are lovely. I can't go as supporting my own DM with cancer treatment.

IABU - its fine, let him take her
INBU - DD too little to be away from her mama for 72hrs

Thanks!

Of course I would. When DS was around that age I was going away for work for a couple of nights at a time. Is there a drip feed that your DH is useless or dangerous?

I honestly think that if this is such a worry for you then either you need therapy because you are unwell or you’ve married the wrong man if there is genuine concerns around him.

This isn’t normal.

I think it’ll probably be fine, OP, but I also think many of the posters here are being quite disingenuous. At that age most small children are much more closely attached to mum than dad - that’s not sexism or a reflection on dad’s competence, it’s just the biological reality of how the mother-child dyad works in most cases. I was still breastfeeding all of mine at that age so it wouldn’t have been in question anyway, but I think even without the breastfeeding they would have struggled with what would have seemed, to them, a very long period away from me.

So it’s fine for you to ask the question - you’re not being overly anxious, you’re just tuned in to what toddlers need.

I was regularly left overnight from a few months old ( I obs wasn't breast feed , but not many were in the 1960's!) with my lovely grandparents, when my parents went out for the night.It is good for babies and children to bond with other trusted caretakers. We seem to be moving towards more closed , insular lives.I think I have turned out ok . No attachment issues at all. I would have a serious word with him about his driving, that would worry more than psychological effects of separation.

I don’t think there are concerns around him, I think it’s more just mum guilt.

Its probably heightened because her own mum is so poorly and OP is stressed.

DH was equally tuned into what our DT’s needed. We were/are equal parents.

I find it hard to believe this is serious. He is as much her parent as you. And she’s 18 months old!!! You may feel like the centre of the universe but that is not the best place to be. Let them go and enjoy some time to yourself. You are more than a mum.

If she genuinely doesn’t want her husband to take his daughter away for 3 days to visit family then something is wrong and she needs to speak with her health visitor to access care for herself.

I mean this is a bit unnecessary

You’re being dramatic.

OP is not refusing for him to take her, she is simply feeling anxious about it and has come on here for reassurance.

Most good parents would question whether being away from a 3yo for 3 days is a good decision or not.

But it’s not about who’s the ‘better’ parent, that’s my point. Most toddlers are more attached to their mothers at that age, that’s all.

OP is worried about the DC missing her, more than his ability to parent properly.

Thanks everyone - bit of a sense check

Interestingly, just as I was about to tell DH that I'd thought about it and he should take DD, he said he wouldn't like me taking her away without him either, he'd worry about her being upset in the car and only one parent to manage that whilst driving plus her not understanding where he'd gone before it can be explained to her. So maybe we're both mad! 😅

The OP is being dramatic. This wouldn’t have been more than a 5 minute conversation in my house. Yet the OP is struggling to cope with the idea of it. That’s dramatic and she needs some help because it’s really not a normal reaction.

There is no shame in needing help, so I’m not sure how suggesting seeking help is dramatic. It’s exactly what everyone should do when they notice their mental health is affected their decision making.

So was my child's dad, but my toddler didn't know that. Always waking me up in the morning not their dad for example.
However, to answer the question OP your child will be completely fine with their dad for a few days and you should give yourself a really lovely time. Lie in. Maybe go to the cinema alone or get your haircut. Recharge.

Reframe it to your dc will have a wonderful time with their dad and grandparents. Being away from you with a loving parent is fine and a good thing for them both. Let them go and have fun.

at 14 months I left daughter with dad and went to sisters wedding abroad alone for 5 days

then left her at 18 months old for 4 days with my mum while ww went to Glastonbury 😂 so I’d have had no issues with this

Honestly I think it would be really good and healthy for you to get a break from DD and relearn to be yourself and have time alone! And a 3 day break is not going to cause attachment issues at 18 months. I say take the break and use it as an opportunity to do stuff you haven't been able to do with baby in tow, even if that's just a nice walk on your own or some window shopping without having to break for nappy changes etc.

DH was regularly taking DS to another country for up to a week at a time at that age to see our parents, if it was a time I couldn’t leave work.

Awwwww

It would be fine for either of you to go away with her for a few days really. But ultimately you are her parents so you can do whatever you want in that regard so long as the other parent is OK with it.

Just to add experience at the same age OP, when DS was nearly exactly 18 months old DH went away for work for the best part of two weeks. He’s a completely 50/50 parent and DS is very attached to him (more so than he is to me probably) but wasn’t phased by it at all. We FaceTimed twice a day and talked about him a lot. No trauma.

Maybe but if you were a man not wanting his wife to take the toddler away for 3 days you would be getting your backside handed to you. I understand this is likely your only child but you can't pass your insecurities on to her, she needs to have a childhood free of a cotton wool wrapping or you will have a teen that is fed up being smothered.

This is all under the assumption that he's a decent, competent father. Part of being a parent is finding the firsts where they have a bit more independence, are away from you difficult. All you can do is accept that. Dealing with that and letting them go is as important a part of parenting as stopping them running across the road or falling in a pond.

There will always be the small possibility that something bad might happen in the car or whatever. But the only way to frame it is as normal, responsible life risk and accept it. Yes, it's scary, but yes it's normal. You'll be dealing with this all your life when you let her out of your sight to ride her bike round the block/go off on a teenage holiday with friends and in a million other situations.

You're not mad, you're just a parent! And probably one who's also feeling the effects of your mum's illness.

You’re being disingenuous.

OP has never left her child before and was worried they’d be upset.

She is anxious and has a lot of stress going on and so wanted to ask other mums for their opinion.

Posters told her that the child would be fine and she accepted it.

Of course. And I did when ours were that age and younger. He’s their parent. Just as I am.