To think that hen do's are getting out of control?

[UnhappyHenny]

Sister in Law has had two hens, a UK and an abroad one that is in July. She is nice enough but very demanding. There seems to be a literally never ending demand for more money in the chat...when did weddings become about this? Im about £450 down and it's not really easy to say no to these costs when people are seemingly endlessly able to pay a random £74 when asked the day before payday. SIL isn't in the fhag but she is controlling it from behind the scenes and knows what it going on in it really. I saw another request for £60 this morning has come through- that's my food budget for the week. I don't think I'll say yes to a hen do again after this but I'm wondering when this became the norm? It wasn't normal for me, I arranged a meal with close loved ones to avoid financial strain and it was lovely. If I'm honest it's made me see SIL differently as she is happy to ask this of her friends and family. Aibu?

Yabu - it's normal
Yanbu- its not normal

Unfortunately hen-do's like this are the norm now. Just because you think it's over the top, doesn't mean someone else does.

You don't have to go though or contribute anything you can't afford, that's completely your choice.

Yes that’s insane but has been like this for some for long time.

I went out for a meal locally in the week before my wedding. I can recommend! No complaints or stress.

Each to their own, I suppose. But I do find it odd that people whinge about the cost of living but can still afford overseas flights, expensive weddings etc. What's wrong with drinks/food locally or even at home? Less cost and stress for all!

I completely get you, I'd agree if I'd read my post but it's not so easy with someone like SIL- every family meet up and discussion is all about her so it makes it difficult. I also didn't anticipate so many requests for so much money for trivial things like matching slippers, paying for the bride to have a certain tracksuit etc.

Learn to say no
i dont think is either normal or abnormal - many people don’t make a fuss but many do - probably 50-50

Thankfully, the last Hen I was at the Bride arranged herself. She booked out a section in a bar and served finger food and some drinks. She also arrange that everyone had a way to get home. By far the best Hen I was at. Her wedding was also low key and was wonderful.

I love this. I do think the bride should get to do what they like but the cost and expense is ridiculous to put on your loved ones. There's a silent pressure to all pay the costs and it's miserable.

Why did you say yes to both Hens? You could’ve said no to the abroad one. Stop spending money on your SIL.

Love this, hope you had a lovely time. Just realised once I've paid all my spending money I'll probably have spent about £700 on this weekend :(

Not that easy but I get why it sounds like it should be when you're reading this.

I automatically decline hen weekends now. A night, yes - fine. They’re a good way to meet other people at the wedding but not weekends away.

I don’t do my own weekends away and the wedding itself is usually expensive with travel, accommodation, wedding present, a new dress if I can’t manage with what I’ve already got.

You could message the person arranging it and say you’re not able to contribute lots more so if there will be many more costs like the £74 and £60 you’ll need to withdraw as you only budgeted x and y, not the whole alphabet.

Ugh . It's one thing paying for meals, drinks,etc. but shite like slippers and tracksuits ? Fuck off with that Instagram crap . It's pathetic and not very classy really . If you must do it , yuck , you can do it without a fortune. Matching PJs from Primark that at least you can wear again and banners, etc. from Poundland type places .

It’s really easy to say no. I would’ve gone to the UK Hen and said no to spending ££££ on the bride.

This is a really good idea. I might have to tbh. Thank you for replying, it's been stressing me and I think for future reference I will only accept one day hen do's.

They’ve been like this for decades.

Its sadly part and parcel of the way people fetishise weddings without giving any thought to the actual marriage.

I loathe the Disney Princess syndrome around weddings and all the narcissistic consumption mania it brings. Partly because its tacky and spoiled but mostly because it makes women tunnel visioned around their “big day” in a way that stops them thinking about the rest of their lives.

I have been invited to 2 recently
Said no
Is it totally self entitled "look at me " bollocks
Just say you cannot afford it
It really is that easy

Yes I think in future it'll have to be a no. It has made me ( ashamedly ) start to resent SIL. She is really tight with money, will only host something if everyone brings food or her parents pay etc so it just feels muggy from her.

It’s all completely OTT. Marriage should be about marrying the person you love, not showing off on Instagram. 🙄

Agreed! When I said this to SIL in kinder language she just made digs about my lovely wedding lol.

It is easy. I had exactly the same experience with my (now ex) SIL. After the first hen she was telling me all about it and pointedly said many of her friends had come even though they were skint. I pointedly said, I much preferred to be able to pay rent, and was surprised she asked her friends to go in to debt for one night out. Preserving the roof over my head was far more important than preserving my relationship with her. My brother said I needed to make sure I was keeping her on side as he didn’t want us to fall out. I gave him the choice. He either gave me the money for her ridiculously expensive requests or I would continue to say no. He didn’t want to pay either so I carried on saying no.

You're my hero lol I need to maintain this energy. I've never been stressed out about someone's hen do before lol, not even my own!

@UnhappyHenny I really do get it, specially when its your SIL.

Maybe just for future ref, don't say yes to any hen-dos unless A) you really want to go or B) you can go just for the day

It is easy to say no but I think often people don't actually realise what they're getting sucked into until, as the OP said, the requests for more and more start coming in.

I wouldn't go to a hen do now that involves travelling anywhere.

It's really awful unless the bride is a lady of leisure with a close circle of equally ridiculously wealthy friends who have nothing better to do than enjoy each other's hen dos.

A nice afternoon tea, paid for by the bride for her friends, is what I'd have gone for if it wasn't covid. Hen do or not, you don't invite people and ask them to pay.

I had three hen dos but never expected anyone to go if they couldn't afford it. Or that everyone would come to all of them - it was more about celebrating with different sets of people than having three separate hen dos. I think alot is about the brides expectation rather than about how many or what she does.

I had my main hen do in a holiday cottage with a hot tub. Sort of chilled weekend away. A night out semi locally to those that couldn't attend the holiday cottage. Then an afternoon tea and night out the weekend before the wedding locally as my DH family live all over the world so couldn't make the others (its also tradition where his family are from for an afternoon tea style hen do with family).

But we were in our early 20s so used any excuse for a night out or weekend away with friends. No-one had kids and people joined what they could and didn't what they couldn't. I had a core group that joined all / two of the three.