To think that hen do's are getting out of control?

[UnhappyHenny]

Sister in Law has had two hens, a UK and an abroad one that is in July. She is nice enough but very demanding. There seems to be a literally never ending demand for more money in the chat...when did weddings become about this? Im about £450 down and it's not really easy to say no to these costs when people are seemingly endlessly able to pay a random £74 when asked the day before payday. SIL isn't in the fhag but she is controlling it from behind the scenes and knows what it going on in it really. I saw another request for £60 this morning has come through- that's my food budget for the week. I don't think I'll say yes to a hen do again after this but I'm wondering when this became the norm? It wasn't normal for me, I arranged a meal with close loved ones to avoid financial strain and it was lovely. If I'm honest it's made me see SIL differently as she is happy to ask this of her friends and family. Aibu?

Yabu - it's normal
Yanbu- its not normal

Didn’t have one and never been on one. Seems I dodged a bullet!

I'm so grateful none of my friends have gone in for this sort of stuff. I'd have said no, but felt bad about it!

I personally think it's bad taste to have friends spend tonnes of money to celebrate your life stages! What's wrong with a spa day, meal and drinks? Of another activity that is more your sort of thing. The money, time and effort needed by others is just too much.

It very much depends on the person. I had my bachelorette abroad but I paid for everyone (there was 5 of us in total and we went for 4 days).

I also covered the cost of absolutely everything wedding wise for them as I don’t think they should be expected to contribute but I seem to be alone in this view!

Agree! One night for just two to a friends has cost us £760 so far! There are people coming from further away so having to spend extra on travel and hotel. Organiser is very wealthy so doesn’t really care. We are going because the bride is a very good long term friend. I don’t think she knows how much it is costing people .

I have been on plenty of hen weekends and have enjoyed them all. And had my own. Not easy to do just a meal or pub trip when people live spread across the country. But usually a budget is agreed up front, not random continuous requests for money and none cost as much as £450 or were at all about insta/showing off

It's normal enough these days but that doesn't mean the same as acceptable.

And the group chats!!!! My god, the very worst thing to have come out of WhatsApp are hen do group chats!

I was added to one that within a couple of days was getting extortionate and was also in a really hard place for me to get to and back in a weekend. The bride is a good friend from school but I didn’t know anyone else invited. I messaged the bride saying I wouldn’t make the hen weekend but would take her for afternoon tea separately, in our home town. I messaged the group chat to say have fun but I won’t be able to make it and then left the chat. This was followed up by the woman in charge of organising sending me a private message about how I had let the bride down and how my “actions” would increase the cost for everyone else (this was within a week of being invited and I had not messaged the group chat at all). It was literally like a reprimand from a superior at work. Unbelievable.

I am not justify very expensive abroad hens, but I think people saying "just do it locally!" are forgetting that not everyone's guests to their hen live local to them. My friends are spread all over the country, so wherever we did it, someone would have to travel/stay overnight. In that scenario I think its fairer for everyone to travel to one holiday home/location.

Agree. So much money spent. So many marriages break down due to money stress.

I might get flamed but I’m having an abroad hen do but with caveats - I haven’t expected anyone to pay for me, I’m going to pay for at least a meal/drinks one night as a thank you. I didn’t get upset when people said they couldn’t afford it/didn’t want to go! We are all mostly working mums as well who don’t get time away so kind of using it as an excuse for a break but budget has been very clear up front to prevent surprises! If someone hands me a poxy six stories fucking bride to be tracksuit, I’d be saying return that rubbish and put it back in the drinks kitty please! Please don’t tar all abroad hen dos with the same brush is what I guess I’m trying to say.

Alone, or considerably richer?

Agree it's rediculous. We've got a wedding coming up this summer and hen + stag + gift + hotel stay is costing us not much less than £1k as guests. And we can't say no because it's a close relative and we've known the bride since she was born and groom for 15 years.

I didn’t get a hen party because of lockdown wedding. Starting to think I was the lucky one

I’ve been on one hen do overseas 15yrs ago and I arranged it, and we went to Costa Brava in Spain, all inclusive and it cost £250 plus spends. It was one of my oldest friends and 7 of us went including her mum, and it was the best weekend i’d had in years. No planned activities, apart from my other childhood friend and I made a ‘this is your life’ book, which was very personal to the bride and she absolutely loved it, and the 2nd night we all wore traditional hen party stuff. We didn’t cover costs for bride, but bride and I paid for another of our oldest friends to come as she was a care assistant with little spare cash for holidays.

It’s definitely got out of control now, expensive breaks and expensive activities every day. We had so much fun just lounging around on sun lounges, having a few drinks and chatting. No expensive activity was needed, we all just loved that time away to spend with friends, and got to know a couple of other ladies close to the bride.

If you’re COMPLETELY honest with yourself, what do you think the odds are of them being married in ten years time? Just saying….

People can say no no it is not hard no you dont have to come with excuses why you can't say no just say no

I sit on the fence with abroad hen do / stag do’s

On one hand I get it, it’s nice to have a “big” celebration and invite your besties on a fun weekend away. And, some people LOVE being invited and adore hen weekends.

On the other hand I do agree it can sometimes be a bit OTT, I’ve declined abroad hens due to funding.

I don’t think people are always entirely honest at the beginning or think about the costs involved when they invite their friends to their stag or hen weekend. You get told it’ll cost around £300/400 but that doesn’t then factor in spending money, plus the “extras” that keep being piled on top.

My DH is currently on a stag that originally was told around £500 but ended up costing 1K. It’s hard to pull out once you’ve paid the initial payment.

This was my situation. Out of 15 invitees, 3 were in my town, 6 still lived in our university town 4 hours from me, sister lived 3 hours away and 2 more about an hour. No way my little flat could've hosted all of us staying overnight so paying for accommodation of some sort was guaranteed for some people. I could've just said 'ok night out in my current town' and pretended not to know that 9 people would still require staying overnight?! Instead I picked a location I knew nothing about but that was about central to everyone to travel to. Nobody had any problem with it. I was extremely conscious of budget though via my sister who organised it, accomodation was chosen to be affordable, paid activities kept minimal and we definitely did not get embroidered tracksuits or other personalised single use tat.

@UnhappyHenny I think it's fair enough to message and say look the costs are mounting up and I had only budgeted x amount- it does seem like a fair bit is being spent on extras such as personalised clothing, I'm sure that's all lovely but could we possibly rein in these things a bit? I'd hate to have to withdraw altogether because I just can't afford these extra costs above and beyond accomodation, activities and catering.

I wonder if we can insert a clause that we get our money back if the marriage ends!

I’ve seen 2 people on social media this week saying their Dubai hen do’s have been cancelled due to what’s going on. DUBAI. It’s not only the funds but it’s the taking annual leave etc also!

But if people live all over not every airport would fly to the same place and the cost would be more and less for different people

If it was that complicated for people I knew I wouldn't do it to them

But don’t you think that’s a bit unfair for those who want to celebrate with their friends but can’t afford to? Personally I think expensive celebrations (of any kind) are quite self-involved and selfish, particularly given that there’s a cost of living crisis on.

This. Who has time to keep going away for hen do’s? I really don’t get it. Also you often don’t even know many people. My idea of a nightmare.

This.

It's so they can post on social media, 'look at me'. I imagine only similar types are actually impressed though, whereas others eye roll 🙄

YANBU in thinking it's ridiculous because it is, but it is quite normal/common these days