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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

NAMALT. Really? Dig deep and be honest with yourself. AMALT

571 replies

NoEggs · 04/03/2026 21:47

I love my DH. He’s a great guy and we’ve been happy for many years.

But
He’s not perfect. Doesn’t do the laundry. Defaults to letting me make stuff happen etc. etc.

Now even if your partner is a paragon I would argue that the species ‘men’ will generally default to slightly bloody useless.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
Babyijustdontgetit · 05/03/2026 12:09

NoEggs · 04/03/2026 21:47

I love my DH. He’s a great guy and we’ve been happy for many years.

But
He’s not perfect. Doesn’t do the laundry. Defaults to letting me make stuff happen etc. etc.

Now even if your partner is a paragon I would argue that the species ‘men’ will generally default to slightly bloody useless.

AIBU?

Get a fucking grip.
NO ONE IS PERFECT!
You just said your DH is great then named a couple of things he doesn’t do… am sure there are a couple of things you do that irk him too!

My DH is amazing. He is a great dad, husband, care provider, he’s hardworking at his job, he’s a good friend, he likes to cook, he remembers birthdays and is thoughtful. However his mum (A WOMAN!) is selfish, forgetful, self centered. I (A WOMAN) can sometimes be lazy, leave washing up in the sink, cram cupboards full to hide stuff….

My dad is a bit of a twat… lazy, boring, selfish but my mum is negative, judgmental but also helpful and thoughtful.

See what I mean… anyone can be annoying or crap! I hate that everyone slags men off sooo much!

Carla786 · 05/03/2026 12:09

category12 · 05/03/2026 12:06

Where are you pulling this from?

I've seen pp come out with this one before. I think she means physical abuse.

exhaustDAD · 05/03/2026 12:09

NoEggs · 05/03/2026 12:00

A question:

if women were suddenly able to have babies alone (like seahorses rather than via imported male sperm) would men die out within a few generations?

I reiterate that I love mine so very much. I love my many sons and the men in my life. This is not about love but utility.

But would life be easier without the need to need them to procreate (a basic biological imperative for the majority of women)

Yes.

Sorry, OP, not being mean here, but you chose the least fitting example - Female seahorses cannot have offspring on their own. It is one of the few animal species where actually the mother transfers the eggs over to the male's specialised pouch and the male is the one that will carry them - akin to pregnancy.

To answer the question - you created a brand new evolutionary scenario, the loop is complete without the men, so, probably? You didn't specify if your what-if scenario means that women could have babies alone (basically a copy of their own genetic makeup), or with other women? If it's a world where women would be in relationships with women, I would just gently mention that lesbian marriages have the highest rate of divorces - the one form where there are no men involved whatsoever.

Carla786 · 05/03/2026 12:16

exhaustDAD · 05/03/2026 12:09

Sorry, OP, not being mean here, but you chose the least fitting example - Female seahorses cannot have offspring on their own. It is one of the few animal species where actually the mother transfers the eggs over to the male's specialised pouch and the male is the one that will carry them - akin to pregnancy.

To answer the question - you created a brand new evolutionary scenario, the loop is complete without the men, so, probably? You didn't specify if your what-if scenario means that women could have babies alone (basically a copy of their own genetic makeup), or with other women? If it's a world where women would be in relationships with women, I would just gently mention that lesbian marriages have the highest rate of divorces - the one form where there are no men involved whatsoever.

Edited

There's no need to take a pop at lesbian relationships to critique OP's scenario (which I agree has some issues).

Lesbian marriages have higher rates of divorce for various reasons. The pool is very small (there are fewer lesbians than gay men) which makes compatibility harder to find often. Many may have less family support, maybe trauma from prejudice (see older cohorts surveyed esp) which doesn't help. Moreover, women tend to have higher expectations of relationships, to good and bad effects. Women intiate most straight divorces, so it's no surprise women might intiate a lot in lesbian marriages too. It doesn't necessarily then follow that lesbian relationships feature worse behaviour, and that women cause more marital issues. It may be more often an expectations issue.

exhaustDAD · 05/03/2026 12:18

I agree, good points, @Carla786 . I just tried to ponder different versions of OP's scenario, and coin that simply removing men from the equation would not make everything smooth and fairytale-like

Carla786 · 05/03/2026 12:21

exhaustDAD · 05/03/2026 12:09

Sorry, OP, not being mean here, but you chose the least fitting example - Female seahorses cannot have offspring on their own. It is one of the few animal species where actually the mother transfers the eggs over to the male's specialised pouch and the male is the one that will carry them - akin to pregnancy.

To answer the question - you created a brand new evolutionary scenario, the loop is complete without the men, so, probably? You didn't specify if your what-if scenario means that women could have babies alone (basically a copy of their own genetic makeup), or with other women? If it's a world where women would be in relationships with women, I would just gently mention that lesbian marriages have the highest rate of divorces - the one form where there are no men involved whatsoever.

Edited

Sorry that was rather sharp! I get that you didn't want to use the post to critique lesbians in particular.
I do tend to soapbox a bit when people bring up negative lesbian stats online , quite a lot are exaggerated or oversimplified.. It's mainly because I have a couple of close friends who are (I'm bi myself) and both have got rather fed up with intrusive comments on SM that weaponise these kinds of surveys/stats.

OneQuirkyPanda · 05/03/2026 12:21

exhaustDAD · 05/03/2026 12:01

I really like your angle, @OneQuirkyPanda . This is what I call a great way to discuss and challenge views. No name-calling and being personal...

On that note, If you don't mind - can I ask what you mean by:
"I think they are socialised to be selfish and violent and we are socialised to be understanding, selfless and to minimise and accept this."

Genuine question, it sounds interesting to me.

From birth boys are socialised (particularly through media, so movies, TV programs, books) to view strength and aggression as positive male traits, emotions other than anger are typically viewed as a weakness and negative traits, anything perceived as a feminine trait/activity/item/clothing/behaviour is discouraged and viewed as shameful. They are more often than not the main focus of the story, women are typically side characters, who are accessories to the male characters, rather than fully developed people with their own stories (look up the Bechdel test), hence, the conditioning to be selfish.

Girls are conditioned to look after others, to help others (they are more likely to be asked to help with household tasks than boys) to be kind, to be considerate, to not be “bossy”, to not be too demanding, these are seen as more male traits and are discouraged in girls.

We are socialised in completely different ways, most of it is unconscious, and is so commonplace we don’t question it, and as such, this results in different behaviour.

ZeldaFighter · 05/03/2026 12:22

mindutopia · 04/03/2026 22:21

Well, we had our chimney collapse the other week due to storm damage. I literally was like, uh, nope, do not know how to deal with that. Dh had to sort out the builders and is now project managing about 6 months worth of building work and because I’m out of work due to illness, he’s had to rustle up the money to pay for it all. Similarly, we had a pipe burst today and I was also like, nope, no idea how to find a burst water pipe (outside, under the ground) and also don’t know how to operate a mini digger to dig it up, and I pretty much ran and hid and left him to deal with it. 😂

I think it’s all well and good being like, men don’t do the washing! I mean, Dh would have no idea how to book dc’s school lunches or how to pay for their clubs if I dropped dead tomorrow. But I don’t know how to fix a burst pipe or how to deal with a collapsing cob wall or how to re-grade the drive so that it doesn’t flood every time it rains. I have no desire to learn any of those things either and I totally disappear and leave Dh to sort them out because I can’t be asked with the stress. I don’t think either makes one of us more useless than the other. It’s why we make a good team.

Yes, my DH always has a mantra of "you say i don't do anything but..." and he's got 15 radiators to bleed tonight!

My comeback is that it's often time spent - Yes, he has to remember to put the right bins out every Sunday but I remember the washing, load, unload, hang up and put away virtually every day!

gannett · 05/03/2026 12:22

NoEggs · 05/03/2026 12:00

A question:

if women were suddenly able to have babies alone (like seahorses rather than via imported male sperm) would men die out within a few generations?

I reiterate that I love mine so very much. I love my many sons and the men in my life. This is not about love but utility.

But would life be easier without the need to need them to procreate (a basic biological imperative for the majority of women)

Yes.

Most heterosexual child-free women I know (including myself) have male partners so there's clearly some use for them beyond procreation (which obviously I've never wanted a man for). Good sex and companionship both make life easier. (From my perspective, life is easier without the need to procreate full stop.)

Carla786 · 05/03/2026 12:24

exhaustDAD · 05/03/2026 12:18

I agree, good points, @Carla786 . I just tried to ponder different versions of OP's scenario, and coin that simply removing men from the equation would not make everything smooth and fairytale-like

Edited

Good point, definitely agree on that. It's not feminist to act as if women are perfect etc and an all female world would be totally hunky dory. Feminism has to acknowledge the light & shade in both women and men.

category12 · 05/03/2026 12:25

Carla786 · 05/03/2026 12:07

Are men socialised to be violent though? Certainly sometimes they are, but isn't a lot of socialisation about channeling their violent impulses into socially acceptable stuff like sport etc rather than towards innocent people?

I think there definitely are biological roots to men's greater greater average  violence. Testosterone and chimpanzee descent have something to do with it, though of course it's much more complex than that.

I think they're often socialised to be "tough" and worried about proving their masculinity, which translates into violence. To see emotional intelligence and empathy as weakness. To see women & girls as "other" while they're the default. To be more concerned about how they appear to other men than anyone else.

Boys will be boys.
He only hits you cos he likes you.
Big boys don't cry. Etc etc.

Getting sex, pounding, banging, using, nailing: language around sex is often quite aggressive, and like it's something they take from us and that is degrading (never sure whether it's to us or them - it certainly seems to have an element of self-loathing) - instead of mutually enjoyable and fun.

It's harmful to them as well. Toxic masculinity, innit.

KimberleyClark · 05/03/2026 12:26

NoEggs · 05/03/2026 12:00

A question:

if women were suddenly able to have babies alone (like seahorses rather than via imported male sperm) would men die out within a few generations?

I reiterate that I love mine so very much. I love my many sons and the men in my life. This is not about love but utility.

But would life be easier without the need to need them to procreate (a basic biological imperative for the majority of women)

Yes.

Parthenogenesis - reproduction without fertilisation of eggs - occurs across the animal kingdom, in nearly all vertebrates - fish, lizards, even birds - but never in mammals. And it isn’t good for genetic diversity since there is only one set of genes involved. So if women were able to do this, chances are they would eventually die out too.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 05/03/2026 12:26

Carla786 · 05/03/2026 12:03

If we're talking about women who have children, the majority work part time, not full time. Around 44% work full time. So many but not the majority.

As to the number of women who are the main breadwinners : if we mean specifically women have have kids, around 30-33% are the main breadwinners. So again, many but not most.

So approximately women are breadwinners (slightly more) at around the same rate as my plucked out of the air figure of 'good' men.

One would hope the 'good' man are married to the breadwinner women really!

Slightyamusedandsilly · 05/03/2026 12:29

ZeldaFighter · 05/03/2026 12:22

Yes, my DH always has a mantra of "you say i don't do anything but..." and he's got 15 radiators to bleed tonight!

My comeback is that it's often time spent - Yes, he has to remember to put the right bins out every Sunday but I remember the washing, load, unload, hang up and put away virtually every day!

And let's face it, bleeding 15 radiators isn't anywhere near the workload of your washing. I'd do the radiators any day before the family laundry!

ZeldaFighter · 05/03/2026 12:34

To engage seriously with the OP, I don't genuinely think all men are like that. My DH has a very strong sense of honour and moral code - he is usually very good and honest (bar speeding!)

I think it's probably more of a bell curve thing - 10% psychos, 10% saints and the rest of them on a spectrum from 11% psycho to 89% saint. I'd put husband about an 80% saint.

My DC however - the change from sweet little boy to gobby, inappropriate teenager is jaw-dropping.

Carla786 · 05/03/2026 12:36

Slightyamusedandsilly · 05/03/2026 12:26

So approximately women are breadwinners (slightly more) at around the same rate as my plucked out of the air figure of 'good' men.

One would hope the 'good' man are married to the breadwinner women really!

Edited

Yes, one would!

BashfulClam · 05/03/2026 12:37

NoEggs · 04/03/2026 21:47

I love my DH. He’s a great guy and we’ve been happy for many years.

But
He’s not perfect. Doesn’t do the laundry. Defaults to letting me make stuff happen etc. etc.

Now even if your partner is a paragon I would argue that the species ‘men’ will generally default to slightly bloody useless.

AIBU?

Nope. My DH is great, he does housework, cooking etc without needing direction. He deals with all his mother’s affairs as she’s useless with her head in the clouds. He plans our holidays once we agree where to go and does all the admin, flight radar, airport apps, spreadsheets showing the best dates to fly in and out etc…I might be the useless one actually?

InterestedDad37 · 05/03/2026 12:37

KimberleyClark · 05/03/2026 12:26

Parthenogenesis - reproduction without fertilisation of eggs - occurs across the animal kingdom, in nearly all vertebrates - fish, lizards, even birds - but never in mammals. And it isn’t good for genetic diversity since there is only one set of genes involved. So if women were able to do this, chances are they would eventually die out too.

Some might be interested in 'Herland' by Charlotte Perkins Gilman, a 1915 Utopian novel, where the all-female society have children through parthenogenesis. The novel deals with what happens when some men find their way into the territory.
It's interesting and pertinent to this thread, if nothing else. 📖📚

Carla786 · 05/03/2026 12:38

InterestedDad37 · 05/03/2026 12:37

Some might be interested in 'Herland' by Charlotte Perkins Gilman, a 1915 Utopian novel, where the all-female society have children through parthenogenesis. The novel deals with what happens when some men find their way into the territory.
It's interesting and pertinent to this thread, if nothing else. 📖📚

I love Herland. The Power by Naomi Alderman is more pessimistic but arguably also more realistic about how some women would be corrupted by power, though the scenario is a bit different.

Carla786 · 05/03/2026 12:45

Carla786 · 05/03/2026 12:16

There's no need to take a pop at lesbian relationships to critique OP's scenario (which I agree has some issues).

Lesbian marriages have higher rates of divorce for various reasons. The pool is very small (there are fewer lesbians than gay men) which makes compatibility harder to find often. Many may have less family support, maybe trauma from prejudice (see older cohorts surveyed esp) which doesn't help. Moreover, women tend to have higher expectations of relationships, to good and bad effects. Women intiate most straight divorces, so it's no surprise women might intiate a lot in lesbian marriages too. It doesn't necessarily then follow that lesbian relationships feature worse behaviour, and that women cause more marital issues. It may be more often an expectations issue.

Just a couple of other points: two reasons women (and also men) may not divorce are children and financial dependence. Lesbians are less likely to have children and more likely to work full time and/or in higher-paid professions, so this is less likely to be a factor. The rising number of lesbians mothers will probably affect divorce rates.

exhaustDAD · 05/03/2026 12:50

OneQuirkyPanda · 05/03/2026 12:21

From birth boys are socialised (particularly through media, so movies, TV programs, books) to view strength and aggression as positive male traits, emotions other than anger are typically viewed as a weakness and negative traits, anything perceived as a feminine trait/activity/item/clothing/behaviour is discouraged and viewed as shameful. They are more often than not the main focus of the story, women are typically side characters, who are accessories to the male characters, rather than fully developed people with their own stories (look up the Bechdel test), hence, the conditioning to be selfish.

Girls are conditioned to look after others, to help others (they are more likely to be asked to help with household tasks than boys) to be kind, to be considerate, to not be “bossy”, to not be too demanding, these are seen as more male traits and are discouraged in girls.

We are socialised in completely different ways, most of it is unconscious, and is so commonplace we don’t question it, and as such, this results in different behaviour.

Thank you! I definitely see what you mean, but to me - and I am open about being very wrong about it, I don't claim to be in possession of general truths - it is something my generation had to grow up with, and consciously choose to go against (ideally). I don't really see what you describe being current in media. If anything, it's the opposite. Male heroes are made softer, you can't really sell the Chuck Norrises and Jean-Claude Van Damme characters, I think. Most stories focus on emotional maturity and understanding, acceptance. Kids today are not actively discouraged to keep to their gender's lane - boys can play with dolls, play dressup, girls can strive to be engineers, play with dirty race cars, etc. A lot of the dads my age take active part in their kids' lives, unlike 'papas' in the past where he didn't even see you until Saturday, and you had to be sure not to disturb him while he is reading the sports news. There is a lot more openness about feelings being discussed in general - goes for boys, men, and is not considered to be a 'silly female thing' anymore. I am not saying such negative examples like the above completely vanished. But the world definitely shifted from what you described in detail, I feel, at least. Which I think is good, brings the women and men of the future closer, hopefully.

gannett · 05/03/2026 12:50

Carla786 · 05/03/2026 12:38

I love Herland. The Power by Naomi Alderman is more pessimistic but arguably also more realistic about how some women would be corrupted by power, though the scenario is a bit different.

The Power is literally the next book on my desk to start. And I tend to think the source of exploitative violence is power, not gender - if women had the social, sexual and physical power as a class that men do, they would be as shaped by having it as men are. That means flexing their power without fear of it backfiring.

Women in fact do this when they possess that kind of power, not necessarily along gender lines - look at the history of how wealthy, powerful women have treated, and continue to treat, their female servants, for example.

exhaustDAD · 05/03/2026 12:50

+1 for Herland from me. A super interesting and thought-provoking read.

MrsChristmasHasResigned · 05/03/2026 12:51

As one of my male friends said to me, why should I do things if I don’t have to? The fact that placing most of the burden on his partner he was supposed to love was shitty had not occurred to him.

exhaustDAD · 05/03/2026 12:51

Carla786 · 05/03/2026 12:21

Sorry that was rather sharp! I get that you didn't want to use the post to critique lesbians in particular.
I do tend to soapbox a bit when people bring up negative lesbian stats online , quite a lot are exaggerated or oversimplified.. It's mainly because I have a couple of close friends who are (I'm bi myself) and both have got rather fed up with intrusive comments on SM that weaponise these kinds of surveys/stats.

Not at all sharp! Please, it was a very-well formed point.