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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

NAMALT. Really? Dig deep and be honest with yourself. AMALT

571 replies

NoEggs · 04/03/2026 21:47

I love my DH. He’s a great guy and we’ve been happy for many years.

But
He’s not perfect. Doesn’t do the laundry. Defaults to letting me make stuff happen etc. etc.

Now even if your partner is a paragon I would argue that the species ‘men’ will generally default to slightly bloody useless.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
CypressGrove · 05/03/2026 01:57

mindutopia · 04/03/2026 22:21

Well, we had our chimney collapse the other week due to storm damage. I literally was like, uh, nope, do not know how to deal with that. Dh had to sort out the builders and is now project managing about 6 months worth of building work and because I’m out of work due to illness, he’s had to rustle up the money to pay for it all. Similarly, we had a pipe burst today and I was also like, nope, no idea how to find a burst water pipe (outside, under the ground) and also don’t know how to operate a mini digger to dig it up, and I pretty much ran and hid and left him to deal with it. 😂

I think it’s all well and good being like, men don’t do the washing! I mean, Dh would have no idea how to book dc’s school lunches or how to pay for their clubs if I dropped dead tomorrow. But I don’t know how to fix a burst pipe or how to deal with a collapsing cob wall or how to re-grade the drive so that it doesn’t flood every time it rains. I have no desire to learn any of those things either and I totally disappear and leave Dh to sort them out because I can’t be asked with the stress. I don’t think either makes one of us more useless than the other. It’s why we make a good team.

My DH does the DIY and garden work, and he also does all the school and clubs related stuff and all the cooking and shopping. I do laundry and a little bit of cleaning. I'd be seriously stuffed if something happened to him but he'd be fine in the reverse!!

GaIadriel · 05/03/2026 02:03

Amblealongside · 04/03/2026 22:31

Feminism has led us down this path of thinking that women are superior to men and it's simply not true. None of us are perfect.

Steady on you'll give some of the regulars a fembolism. 🤣

TooBigForMyBoots · 05/03/2026 02:23

YANBU @NoEggs.

Just after the Giselle Pelicot trial, Grok porn and latest Epstein files release I asked the men of Mumsnet what they do for women and children. The replies were dismal.😒

I learnt that even if NAMALT, men aren't so bothered that they'll do anything about it. Some actually believed that they needed sympathy and empathy from me.🤯

I also learnt that some women get very Not my Nigel when you bring it up.

TooBigForMyBoots · 05/03/2026 02:26

CypressGrove · 05/03/2026 01:57

My DH does the DIY and garden work, and he also does all the school and clubs related stuff and all the cooking and shopping. I do laundry and a little bit of cleaning. I'd be seriously stuffed if something happened to him but he'd be fine in the reverse!!

How sad you think so little of yourself.

GaIadriel · 05/03/2026 02:29

But feminists often aren't the most well rounded individuals either if I'm being honest. Unless you're using well rounded as a metaphor for being overweight lol. Too many come across like female incels that unconditionally hate men yet think a random bloke owes it to them to risk his life defending them from other men.

abracadabra1980 · 05/03/2026 02:34

What do the acronyms mean?

TooBigForMyBoots · 05/03/2026 02:37

GaIadriel · 05/03/2026 02:29

But feminists often aren't the most well rounded individuals either if I'm being honest. Unless you're using well rounded as a metaphor for being overweight lol. Too many come across like female incels that unconditionally hate men yet think a random bloke owes it to them to risk his life defending them from other men.

Are you usually dishonest?

Morepositivemum · 05/03/2026 02:41

I can hand on heart say brother and brother in laws do equivalent to the women in their lives, plus I have some friends with dhs like this, they’re all teams, talk everything out, share the load. I’ll be honest when I was younger and before I realised what the women’s mental load was I thought it was ridiculous the way they all organised everything so much and talked everything out so much but more fool me!!! Soooo much.

GaIadriel · 05/03/2026 02:41

TooBigForMyBoots · 05/03/2026 02:37

Are you usually dishonest?

Strong username to posting correlation. 🤣 At least you haven't called me a man or used the term 'internalised misogyny' yet. Sexists of both gender are tiresome.

Carla786 · 05/03/2026 02:47

smallglassbottle · 04/03/2026 21:58

In my experience, men can choose what they do, but women will feel driven to do things because they need doing. Men don't need to brush their kids teeth, take the rubbish out, clear up the crumbs on the bench because those things aren't important and someone else will do them or they'll just remain undone. I think it's laziness, lack of attention to detail and not seeing the need to take responsibility. I don't know whether it's social conditioning or whether they're just lazy. I see endless entitlement too.

I suppose one question is, if women refuse to do those things, will the men pull their socks up?

TooBigForMyBoots · 05/03/2026 02:48

GaIadriel · 05/03/2026 02:41

Strong username to posting correlation. 🤣 At least you haven't called me a man or used the term 'internalised misogyny' yet. Sexists of both gender are tiresome.

I haven't said you have purple skin or that you poo out your nose either. Why are you taking about stuff that I haven't said?

What's that all about?

TempestTost · 05/03/2026 02:54

Skechyr · 05/03/2026 01:23

Nearly every man I’ve dated was a good cook and majority were also super clean. My uncle in his 70s never married has always known how to take care of his self. So has his brother of a similar age who is married. Both my brothers are the same and both are neater than me for sure.

I would never be with a man that was inept at doing daily tasks in the house. It’s all get well talking about a lawn that needs mowed a few times a year or “investigating” a noise, but you want someone who will pitch in on a regular basis just as much as you. If we are both working full time no, he does not get to opt out of the majority of cooking, cleaning and laundry etc because he might possibly have a burglar to chase off or deal with a burst pipe one day. 🙄

I don't think anyone was claiming that - rather that even where tasks are divided, they aren't therefore unequal.

And it's a bit reductive to say that the comparison is with a task that needs to be done a few times a year. Most housholds have all kinds of regular tasks besides housework.

Bristolandlazy · 05/03/2026 03:02

D3vonmaid · 04/03/2026 22:07

What do NAMALT and AMALT mean?

"Not all men are like that" I gather and vice versa

HelmholtzWatson · 05/03/2026 04:32

People generally end up with partners they deserve and should probably take a good look in the mirror before complaining endlessly about other people's behaviour and attitudes.

SpidersAreShitheads · 05/03/2026 04:35

I do think there’s a lot of “not my Nigel” going on here.

And lots of spectacularly missing the point.

It’s not just whether your Nigel does the laundry or is clean around the house. It’s about ingrained misogyny.

It’s about why your Nigel does the laundry and how he views it. It’s about the mental load. It’s about the small things that you might not even notice but if you do, “you don’t mind”. It’s about how your Nigel truly views women and girls deep down - and what he would do if he could get away with it.

There are fundamental differences between men and women - I think it’s so ingrained it’s almost invisible. But just look at Hollywood and politics. Sure, there are divas and “difficult” women but you rarely see female predators. Power doesn’t seem to affect women in the same way. We all know how many male predators there are.

We’re not saying women are “better” than men. But we are so very fundamentally different and our flaws don’t affect the opposite sex in the same way. The tools of our oppression have never gone away - we are such a very long way from reaching equality and that’s because almost without exception AMALT to a greater or lesser degree.

You might not see it in your Nigel and there’s lots of reasons for that. Internalised misogyny, societal conditioning, or maybe your Nigel has just never been in a position of power or opportunity.

GarlicFound · 05/03/2026 04:38

DavesGirl90 · 04/03/2026 22:17

If you just mean all men are a bit flawed, well yes they are. I’m not perfect myself. Are you?

I tend to think of NAMALT referring to violent or perverted behaviours. My partner does have his flaws, but nothing like that. And he does the laundry.

Edited

Even so ...

NAMALT.  Really? Dig deep and be honest with yourself.  AMALT
GarlicFound · 05/03/2026 05:16

Most of these replies are bats. Chosen as representative: I believe the moment the generalisation starts, all argument, and discussion is out the window.

You couldn't navigate life without making generalisations. No business or government could function without generalisations.

On the topic in hand, do PPs deny that girls are trained from infancy to be softer, gentler, kinder, to 'serve', to notice the detail of what keeps life functioning well and to ensure it is done? Have you somehow missed the way boys are trained to be more assertive, decisive, self-important and to expect 'service' through life's daily details?

Perhaps more controversially, it's now widely understood that men's greater strength and propensity to violence, plus the constraints on women of pregnancy, birth and infant care, lead to circumstances where women are reasonably afraid of male opposition - and are guaranteed to meet it, varying only in frequency and intensity.

There's a power imbalance in favour of men. It advantages all men. The men who don't assault, rape or murder benefit from the background threat of those who do, even if they don't realise it. Most of the men who have learned everyday life skills will stop using them once they have a woman to do it; the few that carry on will be praised as no women are.

AMALT, some more than others!

category12 · 05/03/2026 05:18

It's men as a group that are the problem in terms of violence and sexual violence. They're the ones marrying "child brides". they're the ones indulging in organises rapes with multiple cases like Gisele Pelicot's, they're market for the Epsteins of this world. They can be victims as well, but generally their own sex.

Of course your average Nigel is probably smoking his slippers and pushing a mower around, but as a group ...

PollyBell · 05/03/2026 05:22

So there is a partner problem not a men problem, otherwise do women with son's on here see their sons as the enemy?

If a woman marries a useless man then do something about it don't blame all men, if women want to play the martyr that is on them

Joystir59 · 05/03/2026 05:23

Kingdomofsleep · 04/03/2026 22:37

I always thought NAMALT was used in the context of things like sexual assault and perviness. And yeah, not all men are like that, but way more than men would like to admit.

But things like laundry and stuff? Yabu. Lots of men get on well with that kind of thing. Many men and boys are fastidious about keeping things tidy, having routines etc. I can think of several of my male friends and family members. My uncle for example - you must never use one of his drying-plates teatowels for drying your hands (they are colour coded). My BIL too.

I dry my hands on a hand towel. I wouldn't dream of using the tea towel.

CypressGrove · 05/03/2026 05:54

SpidersAreShitheads · 05/03/2026 04:35

I do think there’s a lot of “not my Nigel” going on here.

And lots of spectacularly missing the point.

It’s not just whether your Nigel does the laundry or is clean around the house. It’s about ingrained misogyny.

It’s about why your Nigel does the laundry and how he views it. It’s about the mental load. It’s about the small things that you might not even notice but if you do, “you don’t mind”. It’s about how your Nigel truly views women and girls deep down - and what he would do if he could get away with it.

There are fundamental differences between men and women - I think it’s so ingrained it’s almost invisible. But just look at Hollywood and politics. Sure, there are divas and “difficult” women but you rarely see female predators. Power doesn’t seem to affect women in the same way. We all know how many male predators there are.

We’re not saying women are “better” than men. But we are so very fundamentally different and our flaws don’t affect the opposite sex in the same way. The tools of our oppression have never gone away - we are such a very long way from reaching equality and that’s because almost without exception AMALT to a greater or lesser degree.

You might not see it in your Nigel and there’s lots of reasons for that. Internalised misogyny, societal conditioning, or maybe your Nigel has just never been in a position of power or opportunity.

Do you have any sons? If so do you believe that no matter what if your son has the opportunity or power he will take advantage of a woman?

PollyBell · 05/03/2026 05:57

CypressGrove · 05/03/2026 05:54

Do you have any sons? If so do you believe that no matter what if your son has the opportunity or power he will take advantage of a woman?

Am I wondering how all this evil sons end up that way? parents to blame?

Gordonaire · 05/03/2026 06:01

I think, on balance, women are worse than men. Even though men tend to be at either extreme - they commit rape, murder and on the other side more acts of bravery and goodness - these are tiny numbers and the vast majority of men and even higher majority of women are more likely to be in the centre between goodness and badness. Nevertheless, women’s relentless obsession with detail, refusal to see the bigger picture, presumption that safety is always better than other options, relational aggression, sense of superiority to men, lack of ability to play straight, lack of ability to say what they mean and tendency to slyness and martyrdom is, I believe a greater force for evil than men’s faults. I’m a woman and I prefer men to women, I always have. AlthoughI guess it must be said NAWALT

Clarabell77 · 05/03/2026 06:15

GarlicFound · 05/03/2026 05:16

Most of these replies are bats. Chosen as representative: I believe the moment the generalisation starts, all argument, and discussion is out the window.

You couldn't navigate life without making generalisations. No business or government could function without generalisations.

On the topic in hand, do PPs deny that girls are trained from infancy to be softer, gentler, kinder, to 'serve', to notice the detail of what keeps life functioning well and to ensure it is done? Have you somehow missed the way boys are trained to be more assertive, decisive, self-important and to expect 'service' through life's daily details?

Perhaps more controversially, it's now widely understood that men's greater strength and propensity to violence, plus the constraints on women of pregnancy, birth and infant care, lead to circumstances where women are reasonably afraid of male opposition - and are guaranteed to meet it, varying only in frequency and intensity.

There's a power imbalance in favour of men. It advantages all men. The men who don't assault, rape or murder benefit from the background threat of those who do, even if they don't realise it. Most of the men who have learned everyday life skills will stop using them once they have a woman to do it; the few that carry on will be praised as no women are.

AMALT, some more than others!

Thank you. I was reading the replies in horror hoping someone would post something sensible.

Clarabell77 · 05/03/2026 06:19

I think a lot of people posting on here need to read about the patriarchy, especially the pp who thinks it’s okay for men to be shit because they invented things. 1. They got to invent things because they had women in their place (home). 2. Quite often women invented things but men took the credit, because they could.