Would you mention this to nursery or am I overthinking it?

[worthingmumhello]

My daughter is 2.5, Asian, and attends a private nursery. She’s been there for about a year and is in the preschool room.

A few weeks ago we were at a playground and a little girl (maybe about a year older) came over and asked if I was my daughter’s mum. She very confidently told me that my daughter goes to the same nursery as her and chatted away. She seemed sweet and my daughter liked her.

Today at nursery pick-up we saw the same girl again while both of us were getting our prams ready. I said hello to her and, while chatting away, she asked why my daughter’s eyes were 'squinty' (or something along those lines – it started with an S but I don't remember exact wording).
To be clear, I’m not particularly bothered by the comment about eye shape itself. Small children notice physical differences and say things directly, and I think that’s fairly normal.

What made me pause was what happened next. I just smiled, her mum seemed little embarrassed and said "Children say things like that". I was fine with this as children do say things like that. The girl then came back over and pulled the sides of her eyes with her fingers (the typical “slanting eyes” gesture). Her mum looked a bit embarrassed and put her in the pram and they left. I just smiled and said goodbye and didn’t make anything of it at the time.

I don’t think the child had any malicious intent – she’s very young after all. But the gesture itself did make me uncomfortable because it feels like the sort of thing children usually copy from somewhere rather than invent themselves or come up naturally.

My daughter is only 2.5 so I doubt she even registered it today, but they are in the same room at nursery and it made me wonder whether I should mention it to staff just so they can keep an eye on interactions, in case this kind of thing happens again.
I’m not looking to make a complaint or cause a big issue – just wondering if it’s something you’d casually flag to nursery or if I’m overthinking a one-off situation.

WWYD?
post amended a little bit by MNHQ for reasons of privacy

What would you say? Or want then to do?

I can certainly see your concern but not sure how this would translate into meaningful actions.

You could mention it, so they could keep an eye on interactions between her and your DD

I would mention it. They could maybe do an age appropriate social story about all being different.

“Eyes that kiss in the corners” is a beautiful book. I know your daughter is only 2.5 (and the book is recommended for age 4-8) but perhaps it’s something you could get and start reading to her now and again, as part of your own story. Just so she grows up confident and knows diversity is a beautiful thing in society. Just incase she does happen to experience something like this again down the line, but when she is old enough to notice.

Wouldn't the nursery staff think I'm overreacting or being too protective?

But you aren't overreacting or being too protective, discrimination like that would not be tolerated at a workplace or higher educational settings. At this age it's all about learning how to treat our peers and be respectful of other ethnicities and cultures. Id think the nursery would take it as an opportunity for a kind teachable moment for all children. Best of luck!

That's such a good idea, I hadn't thought of that. Thanks!

My daughter is 3 and attends a wonderful preschool. She has decided that a few of the boys aren’t her cup of tea. As it happens the two she dislikes the most are dark skinned, and announced once when coming out of the toilet after ballet “I don’t like brown boys”
I was absolutely mortified, and told the staff at the preschool about it straight away. They were wonderful and have been talking to all the children about diversity and keeping an eye on how they interact with each other. She’s still afraid of one of the kids but has not mentioned his appearance ever again.
It’s unlikely that she meant anything by it, but if you want to tell the nursery, you should, it can be mentioned casually :)

It's fine to mention it to them to just keep an eye on things. The child obviously didn't know what she was doing but might have picked up other words or behaviours that might be similar to this.

The nursery could introduce specific activities that celebrate diversity which would benefit all kids.

I think it should be fine to mention it to nursery and given them an opportunity to help the kids learn more about diversity.

I say this as when I was at school, I know of at least one case where a girl got in trouble for a racist insult against a really mean teacher, but it had been the girl’s mum who had originally made the comment. So you never know, some of it could be coming from parents.

Children absolutely do come up with this on their own. They are trying to relate to and mimic one another; they don’t have adult notions of why it may be inappropriate. My best friend as a child was Japanese and we would take turns pulling at our eyes to mimic each other’s when we were 4/5 years old. He would put his fingers at the top and bottom of his eyes to hold them as wide open as he could and say “big eyes! big eyes!” to me. 😂

I would mention it - from reading your OP it doesn't sound like you think she's got it from nursery staff, so I think a quick word with her key worker when you drop her off/pick her up would be ok. The little girl either got it from her parents or another child (who possibly also goes to the nursery) so they should keep an eye out especially as they get older.

I would mention it, so they're aware, but at that age it's simply observation and being interested.

Dd was born without a hand and children, even older would stick their arm back up their sleeve to be like her. It wasn't at that age being nasty, just seeing what it was like.

In a sillier example ds decided to wear his school sweatshirt backwards one Monday in year R. By Friday over half the class came out wearing it backwards... He wasn't particularly popular or a leader, but others saw it and imitated it.

I really can’t see a child of 2.5 either noticing another toddlers eyes or knowing that if they pull their own eyes it would mimic it. No way. The reason the mother was so embarrassed is because the child was repeating what they have heard at home, not necessarily from her but someone in the home.

I think you should mention it to the nursery.

I'd mention it. Mine goes to what is effectively the expat day care (not deliberately, but actually works for us because we're long term immigrants) so the staff regularly have conversations about people being different because the kids are from about 10 different countries and only share the nursery language. They seem to notice at about 3 that not everyone speaks the same language or has the same nationality and suddenly start asking all the parents bluntly where the babies are from and what language they speak at home.

I’d mention it, in a low key way.

My child’s best friend at nursery was Spanish. Some of the little ones made some comments along the lines of ‘speaking Spanish is stupid’. Just very silly, kid stuff. The nursery handled it really well with circle times around how lucky we are to have so many different cultures in the school, celebrating difference, etc. Informing them could help them to manage it this way.

Not if you frame it right. Start off by saying "I'm not making a complaint, but raising an issue." I agree (and you might suggest) that the nursery should be reading stories which explain diversity and inclusion, and telling the children (however young) that certain words and gestures/acts are not polite or acceptable. I'm very sure if they used the n-word to a black child, or called a brown child a P*ki, they would be shut down fast, this is no different.

I think nursery would probably want to know op and then they can introduce learning about how everyone is different (in an age appropriate way).

I'd mention it. I told nursery when my own DS at that age said 'X can't do very many things because she is a girl' and they did more activities in the group about how girls and boys can do all the same stuff.

Definitely mention it then they can keep an eye for this child making that action again as she needs to be taught in an appropriate way that it’s not ok

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful advice and for sharing your experiences!

I’ve decided I’ll mention it to nursery in a very low-key way (especially as the area we live in isn’t particularly diverse) so they can use this as an opportunity.

I’m just wondering what the best way to do that would be... would it be better to send a quick email, or just mention it briefly to one of the staff at drop-off or pick-up?
Also, would you mention the child by name, or just say that something like this happened? I’m slightly hesitant about naming the child because I don’t want it to come across as if I’m asking staff to keep a particular eye on her.
As many of you said, she seemed like a sweet little girl who definitely had no idea what her gesture could mean, so I really don’t want to make it into a bigger issue than it needs to be.

This. I used to be the teacher in a School Nursery Class and I would want to know.

For now I'd just have a quick word at drop off/pick up and probably not mention which child. You can always escalate if it becomes a pattern.

I'd mention it. They can have a general session with the kids on how everyone looks different and also keep an eye on your daughter and this girl. I can't tell for sure what the nursery staff might think but I am grateful to everyone who makes life easier for kids with majority appearances.

I don't think you have to keep the girl's identity secret. You are obviously not accusing her of racism but I do think it would be good for the nursery staff to keep an eye on her and gently teach her to not imitate physical differences.