Would you mention this to nursery or am I overthinking it?

[worthingmumhello]

My daughter is 2.5, Asian, and attends a private nursery. She’s been there for about a year and is in the preschool room.

A few weeks ago we were at a playground and a little girl (maybe about a year older) came over and asked if I was my daughter’s mum. She very confidently told me that my daughter goes to the same nursery as her and chatted away. She seemed sweet and my daughter liked her.

Today at nursery pick-up we saw the same girl again while both of us were getting our prams ready. I said hello to her and, while chatting away, she asked why my daughter’s eyes were 'squinty' (or something along those lines – it started with an S but I don't remember exact wording).
To be clear, I’m not particularly bothered by the comment about eye shape itself. Small children notice physical differences and say things directly, and I think that’s fairly normal.

What made me pause was what happened next. I just smiled, her mum seemed little embarrassed and said "Children say things like that". I was fine with this as children do say things like that. The girl then came back over and pulled the sides of her eyes with her fingers (the typical “slanting eyes” gesture). Her mum looked a bit embarrassed and put her in the pram and they left. I just smiled and said goodbye and didn’t make anything of it at the time.

I don’t think the child had any malicious intent – she’s very young after all. But the gesture itself did make me uncomfortable because it feels like the sort of thing children usually copy from somewhere rather than invent themselves or come up naturally.

My daughter is only 2.5 so I doubt she even registered it today, but they are in the same room at nursery and it made me wonder whether I should mention it to staff just so they can keep an eye on interactions, in case this kind of thing happens again.
I’m not looking to make a complaint or cause a big issue – just wondering if it’s something you’d casually flag to nursery or if I’m overthinking a one-off situation.

WWYD?
post amended a little bit by MNHQ for reasons of privacy

Thank you for sharing your opinion and experience again, I really appreciated 🙂

Personally, I don’t believe a child of three and a half could have any kind of racist intent. In my country, we have a proverb that roughly means, “A frog can be killed by a stone thrown without thinking.” What I am concerned about more is whether my own child might one day be hurt by something said or done without any bad intention behind it. Perhaps because she’s still so little, I also find myself worrying about things that haven’t even happened yet.

I honestly wasn’t upset or offended. The other child’s mum seemed a little taken aback, and I imagine she probably spoke to her child about it once they got home. And of course, as some people have suggested, it’s probably more important that I help my child grow up resilient and confident enough to deal with situations that may not always be pleasant. Because she’s still so young, it’s not really something I had thought much about until now.

I’ll also take a look at the book that was recommended above. It’s actually very helpful posting here — there are so many different perspectives and suggestions!

By the way, I did send the nursery an email about what happened, as below;

I just wanted to mention something briefly that happened at pick-up on Tuesday.

One of the children in the preschool room asked about (my child’s name)’ eyes and then made a gesture pulling the sides of her eyes with her fingers. I’ve met this child before and she seems like a lovely little girl, so of course I know there was no unkind intent, especially at such a young age.

The comment itself didn’t particularly bother me, as children often notice physical differences. However, the gesture made me pause a little, as it’s not really the sort of thing children would usually come up with on their own, so I thought it might be worth mentioning just in case.

I’m not raising this as an issue - I just wanted to flag it in case it’s helpful for staff to be aware and perhaps keep a gentle eye on interactions.

I think you've done the right thing OP. I mentioned to our nursery when a 3 year old was giving out about how you're not supposed to have two mums, and they took the opportunity to emphasise how families come in all shapes and sizes.

I'd get there early and mention it. It is something you don't want "spreading". And often it's something copied from parents rather than an innocent gesture by a toddler.

And squinty eyed is exceptionally rude!

Well my son is 3 I can’t imagine him doing anything like this. I’d assume child has copied from someone at home whether it be a parent or a sibling.

But as a mum I always apologise if my son says or does anything that he didn’t mean but, might of upset someone. The fact she said “children say things like that” and got her DD away in the pram without a “Dolly, we don’t do that. Oh OP, im so sorry and embarrassed I can’t believe she did that I’ll speak to her about it later”

I think it's good to raise the issue more broadly as well, in the context of lack of diversity at the nursery and how they might address this with the DC.

I agree the gesture must have been quite shocking to witness and it seems unlikely a young DC would have not mimicked this from an adult. If it's not coming from the parents, it would worry me about the nursery staff. Hence part of why it's important to flag as a potential concern.

I am surprised how many people think YABU.

Longer term. is there any way to find a more inclusive nursery? I think this is a priority also for choosing a school.