Would you mention this to nursery or am I overthinking it?

[worthingmumhello]

My daughter is 2.5, Asian, and attends a private nursery. She’s been there for about a year and is in the preschool room.

A few weeks ago we were at a playground and a little girl (maybe about a year older) came over and asked if I was my daughter’s mum. She very confidently told me that my daughter goes to the same nursery as her and chatted away. She seemed sweet and my daughter liked her.

Today at nursery pick-up we saw the same girl again while both of us were getting our prams ready. I said hello to her and, while chatting away, she asked why my daughter’s eyes were 'squinty' (or something along those lines – it started with an S but I don't remember exact wording).
To be clear, I’m not particularly bothered by the comment about eye shape itself. Small children notice physical differences and say things directly, and I think that’s fairly normal.

What made me pause was what happened next. I just smiled, her mum seemed little embarrassed and said "Children say things like that". I was fine with this as children do say things like that. The girl then came back over and pulled the sides of her eyes with her fingers (the typical “slanting eyes” gesture). Her mum looked a bit embarrassed and put her in the pram and they left. I just smiled and said goodbye and didn’t make anything of it at the time.

I don’t think the child had any malicious intent – she’s very young after all. But the gesture itself did make me uncomfortable because it feels like the sort of thing children usually copy from somewhere rather than invent themselves or come up naturally.

My daughter is only 2.5 so I doubt she even registered it today, but they are in the same room at nursery and it made me wonder whether I should mention it to staff just so they can keep an eye on interactions, in case this kind of thing happens again.
I’m not looking to make a complaint or cause a big issue – just wondering if it’s something you’d casually flag to nursery or if I’m overthinking a one-off situation.

WWYD?
post amended a little bit by MNHQ for reasons of privacy

I would tell the teacher not as a complaint but maybe they can do a lesson where they talk about body differences and where people come from I know my kids nursery would absolutely do it for me .

I'd send an email or message in the parent app. Just so it doesn't get overlooked and you don't feel rushed or like you're being overheard.

Up to you if you name the child. I think writing something like "seemed a sweet child who didn't know how the gesture might be interpreted" but perhaps the nursery could read some stories celebrating various ethnicities or about things that are the same and different between the children, would be absolutely fine. I doubt it's the first time nursery have encountered similar.

I would mention this if I'd overheard the interaction. Not least because it's often helpful for children and parents to know how to talk about differences. DS's school have had some parent events on this topic that have been really helpful.

I would raise it with nursery just to flag it hapoened and to watch out for this little girls behaviour. It needs to be nipped in the bud if they see it happening and perhaps they can gently tell kids about how everyone is different.
The little girl obviously didnt know what she was doing, but if I saw my child doing that, i'd be having a very firm conversation with them.

Her mum should have told her we don't comment on others person appearances! Everyone is unique and beautiful. She's dismissed a learning opportunity x

The problem is that the other child is just accurately and truthfully observing the people around her.

Your daughter does look different. It is noticeable to a child.

There is absolutely no way that there is any ill intent behind it.

What on earth would you "flag", OP?

Might be a good idea to get the staff to discuss it with all the kids. I.e. the fact that people come in all shapes and sizes. And also that there is nothing wrong with noticing this and finding it interesting.

Most importantly, I think you should talk to your own kid at some point and explain that she does look different to the vast majority of the population and people, especially other children, might be curious about that. Help her understand that it's ok to be different and it's ok to be curious too! And the fact that she happens to be outwardly different doesn't mean anything. She is the funny, clever, lovely person she is.

I’m sorry OP, you sound lovely and some of the other PP’s are being quite dismissive of the mums behaviour. The little girl can’t be blamed but I am shocked at the mum’s reaction. Most people would have apologised and told their child that it’s rude to comment on other people’s appearances. Flag it with the nursery for sure and try to avoid this mum and her daughter in future.

It's not a workplace where people should know better. It's a nursery and the child involved is maybe 3.5 years old so it's not a case of discrimination as you stated its just an innocent child noticing differences which can easily and kindly be dealt with by parents and teachers without calling it discrimination.

The nursery should deal with it first if they see it happen

the other mum under reacted and yes the child has seen that gesture

ummm not sure if you should say anything

id get the book as someone else suggested and donate it to the nursery especially if they don’t have books that repress you

Chronic under reaction from the Mother. Just shows how racists attitude fester and breed from a young age. Sad.

I think for what it's worth your being incredibly mature, I think the other mum under reacted (probably from feeling embarrassed). I would mention it breezily to staff, I wouldn't name the child unless asked directly. Unless there is clear reason to highlight that this particular child is being mean to your DD. Although that doesn't appear to be the case.

If your from an area where there is low diversity, it's a good learning opportunity for all including your DD.

Whilst not the same, my DS is very petite and has had a lot of comments from both adults and children. I didn't bring it up when he was younger as no one was saying it in a specially mean way. My DS is now 4 and in reception he has got quite upset about the constant comments and his appearance, I wish I had nipped it in the bud earlier.

No you’re not over-reacting. It is racist. I can’t believe the mum didn’t correct her and apologise. Even if she is two and a half - children need to learn from a young age that it’s not okay to comment on people’s looks like that. The nursery can address it in an age- appropriate way. There are plenty of anti-racist books suitable for toddlers. I am sorry you had to deal with that.

It is not racist in the least, it's life! Come on...

This is the silliest, most hyperbolic post I have read on Mumsnet for a long time.

Please could you just take a beat and a have a wee think.

It's a very young child observing the world around her. Picking up on patterns and differences.

My best friend growing up was Japanese. How I wished my eyelids could have been like hers! There's every chance that something like this is happening here.

@QuinqueremeofNiveneh you reminded me of my best friend at infant school, I was SO envious of her lovely long plaits!
We were different colours? I never noticed!

It doesn't have to come off as a complaint, just mention the issue (you don't even have to name names) and politely ask the staff if this is something they could cover. I've worked in nurseries for many years, no way would we think you're being awkward. And frankly, even if they did, who cares?

Yes it most likely is from background/you tube. Of course it's not intentional from the child, just learnt.

Personally, I've never one to mock or accept any behaviour that is, but many do. It really is often the case of a parent pulling up a squinty eye and none intended malicious jokes.

These parents aren't deliberately racist and won't see themselves as such.

When hearing 'chinkies' I cringe but it's a normal term used in many areas.

I do think most people absolutely respect and value the input into the country and going forward these behaviours continue to be apprehended.

2 years old and in the preschool room... right...

@ QuinqueremeofNiveneh

You think making slanty eyes at an Asian person is not racist? You are everything that is wrong with this world!!!

The mother did under react but you have no idea if this woman is racist. It sounds like she was embarrassed, which seems to be what the OP thinks (who was there).

Let’s stop normalising racism then. Chinky is an awful term and should never be used. There’s no need. Let’s have a society built on mutual respect and equality. You sound like you’re excusing some racism by saying it is not deliberate! People should educate themselves on anti-racism.

I think it would be fine to mention it to the nursery. It would be an opportunity to do a session or read some stories about racism and multiculturalism and differences.

I wouldn’t necessarily jump to the conclusion that the child has heard it at home. My dc have come out with some right corkers when they were small and sometimes you’re embarrassed on the spot but I’d always use it to talk to them once home.

I'd mention it. PP who talked about kind teachable moment has it spot on.

Yes, mention it. The staff can keep an eye out for it and correct the behaviour. The mum may well have done so when she got home, it might just be that she didn't want to make a big deal if it in front of you and your DD. Explaining why a 3 year old shouldn't do that could end up being a long winded conversation that was best had at home.

Just becuase the child has 'seen few Asian kids' does not make it okay! You have absolutely no idea about the impact that such a gesture could have. This is exactly the time, to kindly and in a child appropriate way, teach them how to celebrate diversity.

Leaving aside your rudeness,@Willyoujust, that's an interesting question. To help me answer it, could you define what you mean by racism?

Also, just to check, you are aware that we're discussing the actions of a 2.5-year-old here, aren't you?