Nursery owner power trip: Was I in the wrong?

[SeaMist7]

The Situation:
My 17-month-old son just returned to nursery after a week off sick. He was understandably very upset and struggling to settle while I was taking his coat off and putting his nursery shoes on. To distract him during the transition, I picked up an apple from a refreshment tray in the lobby (meant for adults) and gave it to him just to hold. It worked immediately and helped him calm down.

The Conflict:
The nursery owner (who I pay £1,600/month) confronted me with a very sharp, unprofessional tone. She said they don't give the children whole apples. When I explained that I had only given it to him to hold as a distraction, she sternly asked me if I had brought it from home or taken it from the front.

I responded and told her I grabbed it from the front; she snapped at me and said those were for the adults. She then asked in a very pissy way if I wanted them to cut it up for him. I said no, as I had already explained it was just a momentary distraction and he would be having his normal nursery breakfast shortly.

In all this, had she framed this as a safety concern (i.e., a choking risk), I would have fully understood and agreed. However, it was clearly framed as a cost issue because I had taken an "adult's apple."

The Impact:
Without saying anything else, she went back into the nursery room and grabbed the apple specifically to thrust it back at me. Because she opened the door to do this, my son saw me right as he had started to calm down. This caused him to become unsettled and upset all over again, which I feel was completely avoidable.

My colleagues are telling me not to raise it unless it happens again, asking what I expect to achieve—but I feel I was spoken to inappropriately and my son's transition was move difficult because of her actions.

Should I let it go or raise it with her?

Sounds like she over reacted. And your update re the apple being for parents, including you, makes your side less unreasonable.

I do wonder if they’re sick of parents taking the food meant for themselves (the parents) and giving it to the kids. So then the nursery aren’t in control of what the kids consume on their premises, which they could be liable for if something went wrong etc. Plus the waste, I guess.

Shes not a mind reader and she wouldn’t have know if you intended to take it back from him and eat it yourself.

Also it sounds as though you didn’t intend that but handed him over and we’re going to leave him there still holding the apple. I’m not surprised she gave it to you as by that point it had become “your apple” - she couldn’t put it back in the bowl for another parent to take as you and your child (who’s just been sick) had handled it.

Doing it crossly sounds OTT of her but she could well just be sick of the items for adults being messed about with.

it had become “your apple” - she couldn’t put it back in the bowl for another parent to take as you and your child (who’s just been sick) had handled it.

Who are all these posters who don't wash fruit?

The parents wouldn’t have the chance to wash it if taking it on the way to work. That’s what I get the impression the fruit was for, a grab and go on their way to work. Not to take home, wash and eat. So it would be normal to assume it was already washed and ready to eat.

That was the purpose of the breakfast items for adults at a nursery my dd went to, albeit this was about 15 years ago.

I see your point if there was a trend for every parent to walk in every morning, pick up an apple, hand it to their child, then the staff had to wash dozens of apples over and over.

But as a one-off, there will have been water in a nursery to wash it under. They presumably did that to all the apples before placing them in the bowl, so it is no great drama. It would have taken 30 seconds at most. All jobs have unexpected tasks cropping up from time to time.

Leave it OP, raised emotions all around

When it’s going to be put back for someone to eat yes
you don’t play with food that someone else is going to to eat irrespective what it is

But it would just need to be rinsed under the tap.

Have some standards Does really matter if it’s being washed or not
guess I’m in the minority that think it’s unacceptable to let your kids play with other people’s food

Well I would if it was a sandwich.

My children pick apples from our trees and I'm afraid we just rinse them and offer them to guests. I'm not sure how else to go about it to be honest. It just seems a very natural interaction with nature.

I will concede that at the beginning of Bake Off there is a (rather sweet) little girl who kind of pats a loaf of bread and that make me wants to shout out "mitts off!"

But an apple seems to me designed by nature to be handled and admired then rinsed.

Whether you raise this or not, please do mention the cherry tomatoes. They should be halved in the same way as grapes.

I'd think very carefully about what you want to achieve and the power balance in this situation.

At present, she perceived a rules infringement which triggered something in her, then she took action to confront it. You feel she overreacted and upset you. She might feel that you shouldn't have done it and you're in the wrong.

Good nursery places are scarce, and your next move depends on whether you value it.

1. You don't care that much and this recent incident is making you re-evaluate the whole thing. Complain, see what the response is, and anything other than an apology has you making enquiries elsewhere.

2. If it's s a good nursery, well run by a well-organised "busy body" who keeps all the casual staff on their toes. Do you honestly want the awkwardness and ill feeling that might ensue from complaining? I doubt it. Just suck it up amd move on.

I'm actually Team Manager here.

They have a food policy and regardless of whether some think it's nonsensical, the policy is that children cannot have whole apples. Your child is 17mths, not a tiny infant. You say it was "just to hold" but how were you planning on actually stopping him if he did try to chomp on it? She was concerned that you were in breach of a nursery policy, reminding you of it, and reiterating that the fruit was for adults and not the children. Your child may have given the apple to the staff member with no food but was that truly guaranteed (no. Toddlers are notoriously unpredictable)? So you could have ended up in a separate battle - or forcing the staff into one.

I strongly suspect the nursery manager was nowhere near as rude as you make out and you are probably just flustered, embarrassed, and defensive. This is understandable but would be inappropriate to raise as a complaint. Next time, choose a more appropriate transitional item - maybe a teddy bear or toy car that can be popped into his cubby once he's settled.

You feel told off. This isn’t about apples and tomatoes. It was a stressful moment with a tearful child and your feelings got triggered. As did the managers faced with a parent doing something unusual in the foyer.

Deep breath and let it go. Your kid probably had a great day and has probably forgotten it which is the important thing here.

I still think it screams Entitled Mum.

It's not for my child but my child is so important so I'll do what I want anyway 😂

Its the government advice to childcare no need to extract urine she didnt write the guidelines.