Nursery owner power trip: Was I in the wrong?

[SeaMist7]

The Situation:
My 17-month-old son just returned to nursery after a week off sick. He was understandably very upset and struggling to settle while I was taking his coat off and putting his nursery shoes on. To distract him during the transition, I picked up an apple from a refreshment tray in the lobby (meant for adults) and gave it to him just to hold. It worked immediately and helped him calm down.

The Conflict:
The nursery owner (who I pay £1,600/month) confronted me with a very sharp, unprofessional tone. She said they don't give the children whole apples. When I explained that I had only given it to him to hold as a distraction, she sternly asked me if I had brought it from home or taken it from the front.

I responded and told her I grabbed it from the front; she snapped at me and said those were for the adults. She then asked in a very pissy way if I wanted them to cut it up for him. I said no, as I had already explained it was just a momentary distraction and he would be having his normal nursery breakfast shortly.

In all this, had she framed this as a safety concern (i.e., a choking risk), I would have fully understood and agreed. However, it was clearly framed as a cost issue because I had taken an "adult's apple."

The Impact:
Without saying anything else, she went back into the nursery room and grabbed the apple specifically to thrust it back at me. Because she opened the door to do this, my son saw me right as he had started to calm down. This caused him to become unsettled and upset all over again, which I feel was completely avoidable.

My colleagues are telling me not to raise it unless it happens again, asking what I expect to achieve—but I feel I was spoken to inappropriately and my son's transition was move difficult because of her actions.

Should I let it go or raise it with her?

@firstofallimadelight maybe my message wasnt clear in the intro. I took him into the room, handed him to the staff member who took the apple off him and put it in a bowl to the side, out of sight

@RosesAndHellebores this is what I wish I had done

Whatever the perceived risk to toddler (from the whole fruit landing on his toes?!) or to owner's profit margin the OP should not have been spoken to in such a condescending manner.
In business there are professional ways of putting people straight.

I'd be raising it. If she loses her ability to be professional and appropriately manage transition over an apple, what is she like when children are being children eg tantrums, taking risks, hitting others. I'd be really worried that she doesn't have the patience to work with young children.

Whole cherry tomatoes are a serious choking hazard. I would definitely discuss that with them.

If you take out the tone bit, she offered to cut up the apple, you said he wasn't going to eat it, so she gave it back to you?

Either way, it doesn't sound like an issue to fall out over.

Honestly I would chalk the apple up to a bad day and see what her tone is like in future.

i would raise the cherry tomatoes though as every setting I have seen insist they are cut up the same as grapes.

What are nursery shoes?

Can't get over the whole cherry tomatoes..are you certain? How do you know? That needs addressing immediately. So so dangerous and the EYFS was changed last year to include stuff like this. Childcare settings are not allowed to serve potential choking hazards to children. Obviously.
In regard to the bitch manager I would let it go this time but if you're like me I would never forget her rude actions and hold a grudge forever 😂

nah, she was being a dick. I’d have been raging about that too. You know your child and you know what will help him settle. She should have been right there beside you welcoming him back.

That’s a big risk yes!

@VacationQueen73 at christmas they invited all the parents over. When the kids sat down for their tea, they were served cheese sandwiches with 3 or 4 small cherry tomato's on the side. At the time, I said to my husband we need to raise this. But as we went straight into thr Christmas period, in all honesty it slipped my mind until now

How do we accept attitude like this from grown-up people who should know how to behave around others? That would be a deal breaker for me.
She needs to realise it doesn't reflect well at all on her.
I don't think I'd want my child to be in her care .

Some nursery owners and staff, and childcare providers, have really missed out on their true vocation as cops. I have friends who have been sternly shushed for cheering on their child taking their very first steps at Monkey Music, or for singing too loudly. Our own nursery providers were surly, racist women who thought anyone whose first language isn’t English is, by definition, a bit dim and probably dishonest (they twice accused me of lying for no reason whatsoever). They insisted we should only speak English to our children (against all language learning advice). They advised us that DD was probably not suited for selective schoosl - fast forward a few years, and she is now predicted 42 (ie full marks) at IB. She also got 10 x 9GCSEs.

I have not forgotten the contempt with which they treated us (can you tell 😂). Some people just need to assert their authority, however misconceived it may be, because they derive some pleasure out of it. It’s a very petty character trait.

*schools even

I’d be much more concerned about the cherry tomatoes.

I agree.

Why haven’t you raised this with them?

Let it go, there's no point making a complaint. That wouldn't change this woman's personality or attitude or work style. If you trust yhe nursery and your child is happy there, then swallow your annoyance and carry on. There's lots of annoying things at all nurseries which boil down to the fact they are operating on a hairline balance between economic survival and collapse and if you move your child to a different provider, there will 100% guaranteed be annoying things about the new one too. Nevertheless if you don't trust them, make a move anyway, just don't expect to be able to m9ve to somewhere where all the staff are perfect and there are no annoying policies.

They have fruit for parents? Is it like when Tesco used to offer free fruit to kids before lockdown?(They should bring that back for sure)
I think the woman was out of order

It’s not about safety, it’s about nursery being totally different from a home or childminder environment. What were the nursery staff supposed to do if a) your child refused to let go of the apple after you’d gone or b) all the other kids wanted an apple? They all eat lunch and snacks at the same time, so one kid having something they don’t would quickly cause upset and confusion for the other children there. I also get that it ‘just an apple’ but I imagine working in a nursery leaves little time for snacks etc and their stuff is their stuff. If another parent had taken your sandwich or drink out of your handbag to ‘distract’ their kid, you would have felt a bit uncomfortable surely?! I also imagine it feels a bit horrible eating your snack at break time if you’re not sure which passing kids have touched and grabbed at it (then presumably put it back - was that your plan?). I don’t think their response was great, and understand you’re upset, (and if you’re unhappy with any other aspects of care that’s different) but with this I think you need to see it from their point of view.

Our local Tesco has the free fruit for children.

She sounds petty
Maybe she was a bit stressed too
But in some roles you kinda have to be overly nice
Childcare is at the top of the list
So yeah, I would observe her for a few days, she may realise she was petty and start being nice or she might act the same, which will he your cue to look for another setting.

I think she shouldn't have treated the parent like a child.

Guidelines say it must be cut....you can choke on a bitten piece....the child must be sat down and staff member should sit facing them and watching them eat. Nursery have no say in guidelines

You've had a lot of similar advice to your friends OP.

What's interesting is your first reply being a dripfeed about cherry tomatoes.
You haven't taken accountability for your part at all.