Am I wrong to not want to see new friend

[Flamingodaughter]

I recently met a woman through work (I work in a public facing sector, she was a customer). She had been going through a hard time and I sympathised, she started seeking my out when she came to my place of work and we talked more. She then asked me to meet her for a coffee. I agreed but wasn’t really keen, I didn’t feel I could say no. Since then over the course of a year we have met up for meals, drinks etc. she is a lovely woman but she is very anxious and depressed and that is mainly what the conversation revolves around though she does take an interest in me too. However I’ve always met her because I felt I had to. I’ve recently had a bout of ill health and I haven’t been able to meet her for about two months. The relief was incredible, I didn’t realise how much I dreaded our meetings. However I know she hasn’t many people to talk to or support, I feel guilty if I don’t arrange to meet up. I know she will take it very personally and I’m afraid she will sink into a deeper depression ( she takes the slightest thing very personally and gets very very down). Also I don’t know how to stop. Do I just not message or phone or do I talk to her and tell her how I feel? Again I don’t want to hurt her, she has had a lot going on in her life and I don’t want to add to it. But I am beginning to feel anxious about seeing her, it depresses me. An added extra pressure is I will see her at work and that will be awkward. Really don’t know what to do. Thanks for any advice.

I should add this is a friendship not a romantic relationship.

It’s a very difficult situation. If I were you, I’d make it about me and not her shortcomings. Stay friendly but non committal regarding plans. Eg when she offers to meet up, say that you’ve got a lot going on and can’t, but hope she’s well. You can keep it friendly without dumping her, as such.

Can you just do a slow fade out? No need to say anything hurtful if you feel she'll take it badly

Stay friendly but don’t meet up, just say your busy.

I know she will take it very personally and I’m afraid she will sink into a deeper depression

This is because you've been posing as her friend for a year whilst dreading meeting up with her - like some sort of saviour complex.

Just pull away slowly and steadily and she'll eventually find herself a friend.

OP didn't actually say she'd had 2 months off.

I'm not sure. I read it that she was a customer as in a member of the general public and that OP just hadn't met up with her for 2 months.

Maybe you can clarify @Flamingodaughter

They don't work together.

She’s a customer, I work there. I will see her as a customer regularly.I’ve had heart problems for the last two months, haven’t had diagnosis yet, still struggling just to work, let alone meet up with people.

I dont think I’ve been posing as a friend, I was getting to know her etc. as I said, she’s a nice woman, I like her but don’t feel I have the energy or emotional availability that she needs from me at the moment. I did consider her a friend actually but she became very intense very quickly and it was all too much especially now I’ve started struggling with my health. I know I said I initially didn’t want to meet up but to be honest I’m extremely anti social, social anxiety myself, so not wanting to meet up was more to do with that than her initially

OP I think you have to accept that you can't get yourself out of this situation without it causing some hurt to the other person. You aren't wrong to want to do so though, it sounds like a very one sided relationship where you're the one being taken advantage of.

I know a lot of people who have been ghosted claim that they wish they had been told the reason but on the other hand I'm still waiting to hear of a successful exit interview. A slow fade is probably the least worst option.

You've still pretty much strung her along for the best part of a year though.

Just leave her be and she'll find herself a friend.

I would return to work but say you are not well enough to socialise currently and Drs have advised rest.

Then dont pick up the socialising again and tbh be a bit more mindful regarding professional boundaries

You’re right, I should have anticipated that she would become very intense and that we wouldn’t gel on my side, what a shame I didn’t consult my crystal ball. As for stringing her along for the best part of a year, that equates to about 10 meetings (once a month roughly). How long does it take you to decide if you know/like someone. Obviously I’m a monster.

no, heart issues

Thank you. In my defence I was just being a listening ear initially as I have no choice really, I’m a a cashier and and people seem to open up
to us. I was genuinely sympathetic but it snowballed without me meaning it too, nothing malicious was meant on my part, I just did t feel able to get out of meeting up and as a one went on felt even less able to.

I want off work but I have as yet undiagnosed heart issues and am struggling with fatigue, breathlessness etc so takes all my energy to get through the day and work, unable to think of anything else

Wasn’t off work I meant sorry. Well I was but only for a fortnight.

Wasn’t off work I meant sorry. Well I was but only for a fortnight.

You've done nothing wrong OP.

Some people have issues but can mask them initially.

After you've displayed a small amount of social connection/positive interest they tend to treat you as an unpaid therapist.

I try to screen people and keep boundaries up for a few months now, see how things pan out in a group environment

She may be upset.

However, I find this type of person often knows they're intense/needy - they don't want to change themselves though, they just find a new person to talk at.

If you make the effort to have an honest conversation/suggest alternative support they aren't interested.

I have a similar relative.

A lot of people (me included) have given a lot of time/energy/money to support them socially and improve their mental health.

But they don't acknowledge this or try to move forward.

They want a 1-1 "friend" to commit to agreeing with everything they say and validate their (petty and unreasonable and self-inflicted) grievances.

They can have Ok moments but its incredibly draining spending time with them, trying to help, but knowing from experience they are going to be exactly the same next time.

It would probably depend on the general mode and frequency of communication as to how to handle this.

If you're not in touch lots anyway a random message might be a bit OTT and pompous.

I agree with some general message like you "have a lot on so can't socialise, but wish her well".

I'd contact her (rather than waiting for her to contact you):

"Hi Sue, I hope you're enjoying the nice weather. I wanted to let you know that I'm stopping making plans outside of work so won't be able to continue meeting up with you. I know you'll understand that I need to focus on my health."

Depending how she responds, it might be worth letting your manager or HR know.