Am I wrong to not want to see new friend

[Flamingodaughter]

I recently met a woman through work (I work in a public facing sector, she was a customer). She had been going through a hard time and I sympathised, she started seeking my out when she came to my place of work and we talked more. She then asked me to meet her for a coffee. I agreed but wasn’t really keen, I didn’t feel I could say no. Since then over the course of a year we have met up for meals, drinks etc. she is a lovely woman but she is very anxious and depressed and that is mainly what the conversation revolves around though she does take an interest in me too. However I’ve always met her because I felt I had to. I’ve recently had a bout of ill health and I haven’t been able to meet her for about two months. The relief was incredible, I didn’t realise how much I dreaded our meetings. However I know she hasn’t many people to talk to or support, I feel guilty if I don’t arrange to meet up. I know she will take it very personally and I’m afraid she will sink into a deeper depression ( she takes the slightest thing very personally and gets very very down). Also I don’t know how to stop. Do I just not message or phone or do I talk to her and tell her how I feel? Again I don’t want to hurt her, she has had a lot going on in her life and I don’t want to add to it. But I am beginning to feel anxious about seeing her, it depresses me. An added extra pressure is I will see her at work and that will be awkward. Really don’t know what to do. Thanks for any advice.

You have the perfect excuse to distance yourself without it being too hurtful....you've got health issues and have energy only for the basics, so meeting up isn't an option at the moment. Then just let it fade.
You sound like a kind person. It takes a while to get to know someone and sometimes things don't work out. It's no fault on your side or on hers

Just tell her that you're having serious health issues and for the foreseeable future you'll be working (if health permits) but then resting at home - absolutely not socialising at all and practicing meditation and "mindfulness".

Well as luck would have it, the time I’ve been back in work has coincided with her being away on holiday, and also I don’t see her every day or even week at work
obviously. Also I’ve been doing reduced hours so less chance of meeting her. But it’s enough that it will be awkward.

Sorry, read your post wrong, thought you meant how I’ve avoided her in work. I haven’t been well enough to socialise this last few months and have said so, but feel like as I’m slowly feeling better I’m unable to keep saying that.

Agree with something like @TheQueenOfTheNight message if you see her regularly.

Send it and relax. Say you need to "focus on health" so "reduce socialising". Its not dishonest, you clearly do need to make some changes to reduce your stress.

If you only met 1-1 less than once a month and aren't group friends you don't need to explain what you're doing with other people or the rest of your social life.

I wouldn't get into a chat or explain or discuss more...hopefully she sends a polite message back, just give it a "thumbs up".

It is probably nice and helpful for you both to have a small chat when she's in for her shopping. Hopefully that can continue.

Thank you, I wouldn’t want anyone to think I was blaming her, as I said she is a nice, good person. Thank you for understanding x

I have one close friend but to be honest I am a person who is happiest with my immediate family or on my own, I’ve always been the same.

Thank you, I think it’s good advice to be honest, I’m beginning to stress about the situation and it’s not helping me

She went on holiday for a fortnight. She has a daughter but tells me that she is very impatient with her and cannot talk to her. She tells me I’m the only one she can really talk to and understand her and right now that feels like enormous pressure and responsibility

Single people can go on holiday by themselves, you know. I do it several times a year, sometimes for up to a month. I don't need to be chaperoned.

Another person's mental health is not your problem. Ive cut people off for this very reason. Just become very unavailable, take longer to reply to messages etc

She didn’t say they worked together either.

Yes just send a message like this. You have a perfect excuse! Just tell her what you’ve said here - that you’re exhausted after you finish work and are looking to minimise socialising. Say you need to work now as you’ve needed to take time off and don’t or can’t take more time off and you have no energy for anything else. If she messages, take a little time to reply. Maybe best to say “minimise socialising” rather than “no socialising” in case you do go out with family or other friends and she sees you out and about.

The golden rule here it always keep work and private lives separate. Don’t blur the lines.

Honestly, look into that facet of yourself. What was it about you that she felt she had found a new friend? Most of us learn through experience to have boundaries and not feel bad about maintaining them. Unfortunately you will sometimes find lonely people latch on to the slightest sign of any sympathy or interest shown in their problems and can become very intense very quickly because they lack friends and have a tendency to cling on.

What I think you need to do is work on yourself a little bit here. There’s obviously something in you that she picked up on that for both of you may have been subconscious. Perhaps read some self help books on confidence. When you are more confident in yourself you are less likely to be talked into situations.

It sounds cruel but there’s a saying about not suffering fools. I never understood what it meant until I realised I was suffering people I didn’t really have anything whatsoever in common with and who were not really my friends. It’s very sad if she’s lonely and has a lot going on in her life but it isn’t your role to fix people.

I think id use the health thing and say I cant meet up as often and/or swap the meet for a phone call every other month? With a call you can still offer support but you can at least be at home and relaxing /let it flow over you a bit!

If you get on with your boss, I'd ask if they can be the fall guy/girl. Tell the friend your boss found out you were socialising outside of work and it's not allowed as it crosses boundaries and just blame that, if you don't feel comfortable going into your health as an excuse.

I'm all for you using an excuse to cut them off you really need the least amount of stress possible in your life right now, and the fact that those 2 months without her were so peaceful, shows how negative an impact she is normally.

I’d like to thank everyone for their advice. For some reason I’m unable to react or respond to some posters, however I do appreciate all the comments. I do think I’m a bit of a soft touch and need to work
on that.

This is ridiculous, OP. You didn’t want to meet a woman who regularly unloaded on you at your workplace for a coffee when she first asked, but felt you couldn’t refuse, when of course you could have. Inexplicably, you then met her regularly for meals and drinks for a year, while dreading each occasion. Stop being such a wet lettuce. The situation is entirely of your making. Send the message @UncannyFanny suggests.

I would use this.

Tell her that you have health issues and aren’t meeting people anymore.