Am I wrong to not want to see new friend

[Flamingodaughter]

I recently met a woman through work (I work in a public facing sector, she was a customer). She had been going through a hard time and I sympathised, she started seeking my out when she came to my place of work and we talked more. She then asked me to meet her for a coffee. I agreed but wasn’t really keen, I didn’t feel I could say no. Since then over the course of a year we have met up for meals, drinks etc. she is a lovely woman but she is very anxious and depressed and that is mainly what the conversation revolves around though she does take an interest in me too. However I’ve always met her because I felt I had to. I’ve recently had a bout of ill health and I haven’t been able to meet her for about two months. The relief was incredible, I didn’t realise how much I dreaded our meetings. However I know she hasn’t many people to talk to or support, I feel guilty if I don’t arrange to meet up. I know she will take it very personally and I’m afraid she will sink into a deeper depression ( she takes the slightest thing very personally and gets very very down). Also I don’t know how to stop. Do I just not message or phone or do I talk to her and tell her how I feel? Again I don’t want to hurt her, she has had a lot going on in her life and I don’t want to add to it. But I am beginning to feel anxious about seeing her, it depresses me. An added extra pressure is I will see her at work and that will be awkward. Really don’t know what to do. Thanks for any advice.

Its very easy to get into a situation where you are being taken advantage of. Been there, done it, got the t-shirt. In my case it was an older neighbour who latched onto me because I helped with her benefit form. Soon I had become her unofficial PA and she was coming around to my house because she knew (because Id been foolish enough to tell her) that I WAH a lot. Fortunately she never came out after dark and she had other interests at weekends. I got out of it by telling her that the uni now insisted all staff work from the office.

So no I dont think you strung this woman along and I can see how this one sided friendship crept up on you. You have the perfect excuse in your health problems to do distance. Not just an excuse because you say you are tired and breathless and must clearly take medical advice. Stress is bad for people with heart conditions. So I agree that the long and gradual fade would be the least worst way to divest yourself of an association which has become a burden, Your friend will get her claws into someone else because they always do.

I think you need to take some responsibility for this. No one can take advantage of you without your collusion. You chose to say yes repeatedly to this neighbour, presumably because you couldn’t cope with the discomfort of saying no. But that was your choice. No one had you at gunpoint.

Some people are being unnecessarily harsh. OP did a nice thing and in some places it’s - gasp! - totally normal to chat to people on tills, managers are chatty too, and some staff make friendships that go outside of work. It’s hardly like a teacher/pupil or dr/patient sanctified relationship. OP liked the woman enough to still see her on balance but wants to withdraw now understandably. She’s done nothing wrong, it’s just got too much. OP I’m sorry about your health issues but they do mean you have a legit reason to dial back on such things, so if she does get in contact or you see her at work, just say you’ve not been well and had to massively cut back. Say you’ve no energy for meeting up any more and leave it at that. If she doesn’t get the message, repeat more firmly but don’t back down. You need to take care of yourself.

Your constant attempts to ‘catch OP out’ and uselessly divert her description of her own story and feelings is truly bizarre.

Questioning why OP was off work, calling her strange for how a customer can have impact on heR, questioning OP’s other friendships, interrogating the other woman’s holiday, questioning op’s description of the woman’s attachment to OP because she took a holiday, questioning her manager’s reaction to the woman chatting to OP.

This is a pretty common social affliction. OP’s not interested in friendship but feels guilty about it. Why on earth are you giving her such a runaround.

OP - I agree that you should use the excuse of your health to stop meeting up. Just say you are tired and have no social battery, and that you wish her all the best. This does, after all, sound very truthful and not like you’re making excuses.

Chit chat, sure, but I don’t think it’s normal in any shop or bank or whatever for a customer to seek out a particular cashier so they can tell them about their difficulties.

The OP didn’t want to go for the first coffee with a member of the public who regularly unloaded on her in her workplace, but agreed because she ‘felt she had to’. She then continued to see this woman regularly over the course of a year despite ‘dreading’ each occasion. That’s not ‘doing a nice thing’, it’s being a people-pleaser and ending up in a ‘friendship” with someone lonely who just dumps on her that she doesn’t want, purely because she couldn’t face the discomfort of saying ‘no’, right at the start. Now she’s going to have a far harder time extricating herself.

This is very unfair.

There are people, particularly women, who will latch on to any gesture of friendship by a complete stranger and then use you as their support crutch for as long as you will let them.

This poster has helped for as long as they have been able to.

These people are why I no longer strike up one to one friendships with people until I know them well. I have a "tell me all your problems" face, and they do. And then you are left with the horrible problem of letting them down or leaving every meet-up emotionally drained by their issues.

The flip side is that I don't think that it's wrong to take a risk when a person makes friendly overtures. If we all thought "nah too risky, they might just be looking for an emotional outlet" then there would be less opportunity to build connections. I don't think OP has done anything wrong, it just hasn't worked out well for her.

Yes it’s not your problem but that’s not being much of a friend, ditching them simply for having a metal health issue. I used to think like you until my mental health suddenly took a decline a few years ago. I never expected it to happen to me, it was so isolating. It showed me who my true friends were during this time and I had someone drop me which was so hurtful. It’s a hard thing as you don’t want to be a burden to anyone, but having a support network is so important too.

It doesn’t sound like it’s her necessarily, just that you don’t have the capacity. It’s ok, you’re not well and you need to put your needs first. Just explain that you’ve found your health issues all consuming and that you need to take a step back from all friendships while you focus on yourself. That you will be in touch when you’re feeling like you have more bandwidth for social interaction. Some people will understand, some won’t. If she doesn’t get it, then she’s not a friend worth keeping anyway.

A slightly different suggestion: how would you feel about deciding to meet her for coffee once a month for an hour or so and just listen to her, not pretending to be her friend but just a listening ear? If she asked for more contact you could say kindly that you aren't very sociable and this is what you can manage.

So I’m guessing you were polite/friendly in your role she has taken that as friendship and then made you her emotional support u have done this to be nice and probably hoped it would help her.
Now you don’t have emotional capacity to be her support due to your own issues and your meeting hasn’t lead to a equal friendship it’s still for the most part you supporting her which isn’t how friendships should be.
it’s reasonable to not want that, she has to be responsible for her own mental health and taking steps to work on it.

i would step back, say you can’t meet - too busy/ life’s hectic. Hopefully she will respect this.
If she pushes you to meet regardless be honest and say you have been happy to support her and be a person she can talk to about her issues but now you have a lot going on and you can’t be that person anymore and wish her well.

You won’t ever go far wrong if you approach potential friendships by asking ‘Do I like this person? Do I want to see her outside of work? Having seen her once, do I want to see her again?’ If the OP has listened to her own original reluctance to meet this woman for coffee, and honoured it, she wouldn’t have spent a year dreading and resenting this ‘friendship’.

I’d fade it out slowly. I’d meet up for a quick cuppa. Like for an hour and leave then try and space out meet-ups further apart. I completely sympathise with you, my MIL is the same, you talk to her and it’s all doom and gloom. What new symptoms you have etc. however, if you’re not overcome with concern she’s offended. Despite in the last 12 months having 2 ct scans, 3 mris, a colonoscopy, endoscopy and countless blood tests to have them all come back clear she will still say they’ve said it’s all clear but my symptoms are a worry. She went to the drs because the weight was dropping off her. I hadn’t noticed so when asked how much weight she’d lost it was 10ib in a year! I said that’s less than a Ib a month. That’s not dropping off you. Turns out she’d had to get off a bus stop early than normal due to road works. Which is likely the cause of gradual weight loss. You can’t change the conversation. When we see her it’s hours of the same thing & it leaves you deflated & guilty. It’s so self absorbed and I know she probably can’t help it. Health anxiety is awful but it’s become a habit. They don’t seem to be able to stop themselves & even though they asks how we are it’s only performative.

Chit chat, sure, but I don’t think it’s normal in any shop or bank or whatever for a customer to seek out a particular cashier so they can tell them about their difficulties.

This isn't true. My hometown is the kind of place where this would happen and I'm sure it happens in lots of similar communities. I moved away to a city where everyone ignores each other, but have seen enough across the whole spectrum, from proper friendships through to idle chit chat to ignorant AF, to know there's no normal per se.

I live in a small rural area, it’s actually extremely common robe sought out, we see the same faces day in and day out. I agree I need to stop being a people pleaser, I do find it hard to say no.

Haven’t RTFT so someone might have suggested this already, but you could tell her that your work have said you’re not allowed to socialise with customers anymore. Cite GDPR or some such reason.

I hope you get your health problems resolved soon OP.

Im the opposite i have bipolar and bpd i can't have mentally ill people relying on me its to triggering

You've done nothing wrong, you gave it a go and now realise she wears you down. She's not adding to your life. I would tell her you're struggling with everyday things and have cut back on all socialising etc. If she messages you send polite, delayed replies, and don't ask questions, she should take the hint. When she comes in work be friendly but make excuses that you need to get on with work. I feel bad for, not a nice situation to be in

I would just use your health condition as an excuse to slowly fade her out. You are exhausted and undergoing medical tests. You will be in touch when you feel a bit better. She will most likely have moved on to someone else by then. You need to be more professional in work though and not get into that situation again. Do not let people dump all their woes at you at work.

Are you male or female op? I ask because you clarified friendship not relationship in your op, and (rightly or wrongly) on here the default view is that a poster is a straight female unless they specify otherwise.

Do you think this woman might have considered you a potential romantic partner? I’m asking because I feel that the way to handle it will be different if you are male or female, and if you think she was purely after friendship or if you think she’s after more.

We all do. It takes practice. None of us learn to be assertive over night. You don’t need to feel bad about having boundaries. You don’t need to feel bad about saying No. It’s ok not to want to do things with people. It’s ok to create distance and back away.

I don't know why people are guilt tripping you for not being a good friend to her.

She clearly isn't being a good friend to you, if you've told her you've been ill and she's still nagging you to meet up to trauma dump all her issues on you.

You're not psychic - you first got to know her open to becoming perhaps friendly acquaintances who met up occasionally to chat. You didn't go in promising to be her BFF and have now gone back on that. She's the one who has 'broken' the informal contract as much/more as you by not reciprocating the friendship - you supported her for a year, if you were 'real' friends it would be her turn to support you now. I bet if you did meet up and monologued at her about all your issues and worries for an hour you wouldn't see her for dust! So don't feel guilty!