To say that when dating, you should never tell a man you’re alone is this world?

[WaryLilacRaven]

Whether or not it’s true, don’t say you’re estranged from your family or that you don’t have a strong support system. It may sound like honesty but it can paint you as vulnerable and easier to manipulate.

If you don’t have a present father figure, invent one. A watchful uncle. A retired pastor. A protective godfather. Someone whose name you can casually drop in conversation. Not to deceive but to protect.

AIBU to think that for women especially, perceived aloneness can be a liability when dating and sometimes a fictional father figure is safer than telling the truth?

I don’t require a man to ‘protect’ me and therefore I wouldn’t invent one. It’s fucking weird.

Thats crazy! I agree with the general point about not making yourself appear vulnerable to a man but inventing a male protector and dropping his name into conversation is absolutely batshit!

Nonsense.

I’ve got a wonderful stepdad, and a particularly protective brother.

They were absolutely no use when my ex boyfriend tried to murder me, in the house that they didn’t live in so obviously weren’t there.

It was also my mother broke his nose, in fairness.

All well and good having protective people around you, unless they follow you everywhere you go, they’re not going to save you.

Ah yes, because every true love story is built on the immediate lack of trust and make believe "protectors"

This.
Painting an "I'm alone in the world, there's only you, you're my everything" picture is vulnerable and dangerous.

Being alone but perfectly self sufficient is fine.

Inventing random protective men is nuts.

The problem is being vulnerable and easy to manipulate. Women with poor self esteem and who can’t identify early red flags will be vulnerable to predatory men regardless of whether they make up a protective figure to name drop, because they can’t (or don’t want to) recognise when a man is showing poor behaviours or is just a bit of a bum and not somebody she should be continuing to date. It’s why it’s so important for women with a history of abusive or poor relationships to work through these and identify what it was that led them to those situations and why they weren’t able to leave, and spend some time single learning to be happy with themselves, before they begin dating again.

Women who have 'father figures' in their lives still get raped, murdered and abused by men they date. Inventing an uncle isn't going to achieve anything except making everyone think you're insane.

OP, how are you able to post from the 19th century?!

Don't be daft, you can't invent people. I agree that appearing vulnerable at the start of a relationship can be a problem. I also don't think women should tell new partners about any ill treatment from other men. That's completely different from inventing people, though. Do you realise how crazy that sounds?

Yes, an isolated, lonely woman with no support network is easier prey for a predatory or abusive man.

But you don't need an imaginary man.

You need real friends (women) and a real network of people.

And in any case, I'm not sure telling a man you are dating that you are isolated and lonely is very attractive and wouldn't suggest you say that in any case.

So I recommend not dating at all until you've built up a real life set of relationships and don't need to make up an imaginary uncle.

If the relationship goes anywhere, when do you explain he was imaginary anyway?

This

If you think of yourself of some sort or damsel in distress then I can fully see why this might be problematic- most grown ups don’t.

Yes, everyone knows that abusers tremble at the thought of retired pastors.

This is a bit batshit to me.

When I first went NC with my family there was a lot of shame and guilt around that decision - it wasn't normalised like it is now. Beginning to tell people (including men I was dating) felt very freeing, and also deepened several friendships - and it was also a reason DP and I bonded, as he also had a difficult relationship with his parents. We instinctively knew how that had shaped us both.

Being estranged from my family has never meant that I'm vulnerable or easily manipulated (frankly, a lot of the people I've known who are like this have had what I'd describe as cosseted upbringings and are naive because of it). Firstly, I've always had a strong support network of friends. Secondly, having a lone wold mentality meant that when dating I was crystal clear that I did not need a relationship, nor even want one in many cases - I was very content alone and if a man didn't enhance my life then what use did I have for him beyond sex?

I think inventing a fictional person that is close enough to be protective of you is setting yourself up for relationship failure, because sooner or later it's going to come out that the fictional protector is not real. It's never good to start a relationship with a lie.

I agree with not pointing out your lack of support system, but an even better move would be to cultivate one. I know that is a LOT easier said than done, but if I were alone in the world I'd be putting my effort into cultivating close friendships, and probably developing a long term relationship with a counsellor who can help me work out any red flags in the men I'm dating. burnt Haystack Dating method is excellent for that, by the way.

Why would anyone want to tell a pack of lies, rather than just not mention they're estranged from their family?

I can't say I've ever been on a date where I've been asked whether I'm still in touch with my uncles or male cousins.

I think if you lack support from friends or family then it can make you more vulnerable. But it doesn't need to be a man. Just some kind of support system. A good female family member eg mum, sister, aunt, cousin is better than a man in my opinion. Far more supportive.

I think it would be wise not to let it be known that you don't have a support network. I don't see why that has to mean a supportive man. I don't think abusers would latch on to a woman because she had no father figure, but he might if she seems to have minimal support network in general. An abusive man can just as easily alienate you from a male or female supporter.

Exactly this.

And given some of the wet lettuce men being posted about on MN, I don't understand why the OP thinks the 'retired pastor' is automatically going to conjure up an image of Dwayne The Rock Johnson and not Kevin from Motherland?

Like pp I agree with not painting yourself as lonely or alone , inventing someone is strange , how far do you go ? Their name, address , job , judo status,are they married, got dcs? You could get very tied in knots with lies.

I think it's much better to be self assured ( not easy for everyone I know ) and don't tell them everything all at once , I am not saying lie or invent stuff , just don't give them your whole life history within the 1st 2 moths of dating.

Honestly - it sounds mad but lots of men and people see a lack of family as means to treat you like shit.

So, I completely understand why you'd tell those around you that you have a father somewhere, even when its not true

Men fear other men

So on a date I would always make it known someone is waiting on me, maybe say a friend is staying with me or something. Doesn't have to be a guy, just someone so they know I will be missed. Horrid to think about really.

Fuck that nonsense.

I think if you get to the point you're dropping in made up men then your gut already knows he's a wrong'un. We can pick up predators sniffing the water sometimes.

But yes it's wise to do certain things to protect yourself. For example, never mention past abuse.

When it comes to exs make it 'oh we just drifted apart and decided to go our seperate ways/were no longer compatible'. Make it clear you have no time for nonsense but not in a way that implies you ever did. Because they'll always think 'oh maybe she will tolerate it again'

I think if you are speaking with a decent man then none of that stuff matters and you don't have to invent any bullshit.