To say that when dating, you should never tell a man you’re alone is this world?

[WaryLilacRaven]

Whether or not it’s true, don’t say you’re estranged from your family or that you don’t have a strong support system. It may sound like honesty but it can paint you as vulnerable and easier to manipulate.

If you don’t have a present father figure, invent one. A watchful uncle. A retired pastor. A protective godfather. Someone whose name you can casually drop in conversation. Not to deceive but to protect.

AIBU to think that for women especially, perceived aloneness can be a liability when dating and sometimes a fictional father figure is safer than telling the truth?

This makes no sense. Plenty of women who have men in their lives are vulnerable, and many women who don't are not especially vulnerable.

Of course it's a bad idea to appear lonely, desperate or naive but I don't think that has a single thing to do with having a man in your life or not.

You want me to pretend my dad didn't drop down dead suddenly when I was a child and both my siblings didn't die in childbirth and that my male family members all give a shit about me?

In order to avoid dating an abusive twat? I'd rather tell the truth and if someone's a twat I'm perfectly capable of telling them to use the door.

Well I wouldn't blabber on about being alone and without family or friends, and would be cautious at first meetings, but inventing a male () protector is just weird and, as per a PP, a bit sexist.

Having a large family didn't prevent my DD becoming entangled with an abuser, whom she ended up being with in a cabin in an isolated spot in a foreign country, where he further tried to isolate her from family and friends.
It was her sister and I (a middle-aged, female non-pastor) who gave the loud and constant LTB message, and me who flew out to rescue her.

They were absolutely no use when my ex boyfriend tried to murder me, in the house that they didn’t live in so obviously weren’t there.
It was also my mother broke his nose, in fairness.

@SleeplessInWherever I'm so sorry you went through this -except for your mother. She's badass!

If only it were the 19th century, rather than the present day America it clearly is (men as protectors, retired pastor - what?).

Well, present day American AI slop.

this sounds absolutely nuts to me!
What happens if the relationship becomes serious, at some point you have to admit you completely made up an 'uncle' because you thought your partner might be abusive - that's hardly going to go down well!

I wouldn't go around announcing that I was all alone in the world anyway - it's hardly fun first date conversation is it? By all means take sensible precautions - things like telling someone where you are going and what time you expect to be back, meeting in busy places at day time in an area you know well, etc. but better advice would be to actually build a real safety network (of people of either sex) than invent one.

I agree with you, and have been thinking a lot about this recently. If you are vulnerable and tell a new partner about any ill treatment from other men without really knowing them then you are telling them what boundaries you have ignored in the past and showing them what you will put up with.

Side point to this, I've noticed men from other countries often treat you better. And it's not because they are from other countries, its because they don't know how men treat women in yours so they are more likely to er on the side of caution and assume they should behave like gentlemen.

For example I've heard American women say they want to date englishmen for their manners (lol) but I've dated three Americans in some way shape or form and all of them paid on the dates and generally behaved super respectfully. And I'm under no illusion that all Americans are like that.

Men are influenced by how they perceive other men treat you. If they aren't sure, they are cautious and treat you better. They assume your standards might be higher if you're from a different country.

How do you know he's a decent man? There are plenty that aren't and he's not going to announce it on the first, or even third date.

Yes, let's all speak to decent men only, why hadn't we thought of that?!

(hint: it's because not-decent men don't go around advertising it, and some are really very clever at hiding red flags)

Or a predatory paedophile whose past is just about to catch up with him.

Having male relatives doesn’t stop someone from being abused by their partner. It just doesn’t.

Yes, very threatening 🤣🙄

I'm not saying it does

But its true that when people see that there is no man to protect you, they think they can take the pics

Having a man doesn't automatically mean you have 'protection' though does it?

What if he's built like a twig and suffers from social anxiety like so many seem to nowadays?

Or do you think his penis is going to rise up like a lightsabre and fend the nasty men off?

It's very obvious that you should never let strangers (whether that is men you are dating or anyone) know that you are alone and vulnerable. I think it is also true in dating that you should not tell men that you have been treated badly by men in the past. There are some real shits out there in the dating world including scam merchants who see someone who is alone and vulnerable as an easy mark. These kind of men also see a woman who has been treated badly in the past as someone who will tolerate bad behaviour.

It's more important in dating because it takes a looong time to get to know a total stranger you meeting cold via online rather than someone who is known to friends and in your network.

That is different from making people up though. Say you have parents who are estranged or deceasd you don't need to tell someone that. It's easy to skip over or tell a white lie if you need to at that point. That's much easier to explain if the relationship goes the distance than invented people. Most relationships and dates don't go anywhere long term - the long term one is the exception - so you lose nothing by being cautious.

That's clearly not what I'm saying?

I'm saying that when people think that you have men in your life who will protect you, they are less likely to see you as someone who they can bully and abuse.

I'm not saying it stops them. But I am saying that when someone you're dating sees that theres no-one there to defend you or look our for you, they will give them the green light to take advantage.

All of society is like that tbh

As a woman who is on her own, I've learned that its best to invent someone so that predators are warned off.

Its an awful truth 😓

And yet you're saying 'I'm not saying it stops them'? 😳

Since when has starting a relationship on a lie been a good idea?

@WaryLilacRaven

Where do you live, OP? What you have written suggests a very rural area of the States, as someone has suggested.

Yes. Also I think that a lack of family puts decent men off.

I like this idea. Will my imaginary uncle be able to give me away, or buy me a house?

I don’t assume every man is some sort of manipulative abusive creep. Most are good. I’m not going to start lying - and not sure some uncle is any sort of protector anyway!

"If you don’t have a present father figure, invent one. A watchful uncle. A retired pastor. A protective godfather. Someone whose name you can casually drop in conversation."

This is surely the best ever Top Tip from Viz.

Any Mumsnetters looking for a side hustle? How about some kind of online matching service for women and father figures? RetiredPastors4U? PlentyMoreUncles?