Some gifts are thoughtless

[Nanbreadd]

It was my son's birthday last week, he turned 13, and he received an online card from my brother.
I am sorry, I think it's such a thoughtless gift. I have always sent his daughter presents and a card for her birthday and Christmas. He didn't sent any presents to my children during Christmas, and I sent his daughter a bundle of toys. I think it's better to go NC; he has zero interest in my family and I am tried of making all the effort.
He has invited us to his daughter's birthday party, out off obligation, but I feel like not going.

Because she titled it "Some gifts are thoughtless", implying a gift was bought but was rubbish. If he only got a card, he didn't get a thoughtless gift, he got no gift.

People say it’s not indicative of anything that really matters but I would argue the opposite - actions speak louder than words and if he really can’t be arsed to get a simple birthday card right, then like a lot of posters here (and my SIL) it shows they’re not really bothered. That’s just shit.

The birthday card is not really the issue. If OP's only gripe is that he didn't send a gift or have the right age on the card, but they otherwise have a great wider family relationship, then you just bring it up with him and move on.

If they simply aren't that close as a family, then maybe OP just needs to accept that, rather than expecting something different.

I found it interesting that in the examples OP did give it was all about performative examples of a good relationship - sending cards and gifts, inviting each other to parties. IME these are the least important things. They were the only things that my incredibly dysfunctional family got "right" - none of us got along or enjoyed spending time with each other, but we dutifully sent cards and went to important family events. I don't think good family relationships is anything to do with this. OP's brother may have only sent a card, but is he there to help OP when she needs it; does she ring him up regularly and have a laugh? These sorts of things are more important than the performative ones.

Some people know what to buy others and some don’t

no matter how much thinking they do they don’t know what the child already has , what other people will buy, and they don’t want to waste money on something wrong. It’s not thoughtless - it’s a different thought process.

people are different

if he has invited you - uou ain’t making all the effort , you are just disrespecting and belittling the effort he does make

How do you "buy what you want" with an on-line birthday card?

The thread title clearly stated a gift, i.e. an on-line voucher.

This can't be real, surely? Someone would cut their niece out because their brother is a thoughtless gift giver? Sounds like lack of care runs in the family.

I agree . Quality over quantity. I like to buy one present I’ve really thought about rather than lots general stuff for the sake of it. Which includes tubs of chocolate unless I know the recipient actually wants that !

I wouldn’t cut a sibling off for that. I would ask why the don’t bother though.

I just don't get why peoples are doing cards ) presents for their siblings offspring in the first place. Lot easier in our family as it's never happened. We just get our own kids stuff

Rather than go NC, just stop buying his kids presents

Go NC, he is notvworth a monent more of your time.

idoubt he'll notice, though, but who cares.

Yes, some gifts are thoughtless. Yes some uncles and aunts don't remember your kids birthdays.
Next!

Well, any gifts you send are for your niece, who presumably is innocent in this. I would keep sending cards and gifts to her.

Going NC over presents is absurd. Just match what he does and give his kids gifts that are comparable to the gifts he gives yours?

Just stop buying gifts for them

Is there more to this story? Going NC based on the information seems like a bit of an overreaction. Just stop sending them presents.

I wouldn't go NC over this, but I would stop sending presents to his children, I'd just stick with cards.

I've had similar with my own sibling, me putting all the effort and cost in and not even getting a polite thank you. If anything, even had a "do you have the receipt so I can change it?" I then had the realisation that she'd never ever bought a gift for my youngest child, who was older than her child who I'd been showering with gifts. Had enough and stopped all gifts, it was kick in the teeth after kick in the teeth.

ETA I know it sounds like it, but I'm not a give to receive type, I just got fed up with the lack of thought and effort on her part, when she was always expecting me to spend a lot of money on her and her child. She had this weird idea in her head that I was rich, which wasn't the case.

Go to the party but don’t buy any present. Just a card. And if he complains, tell him why. If he doesn’t maybe is because he doesn’t want to receive present. I know people that do birthday parties and they are explicit on no presents as they have everything they need.

Allowing a kid to buy what they want is a no brainer. It's not the seventies any more. Even then, we were bought something they knew we wanted.

An online card is not a gift whatsoever, it's an acknowledgement of a birthday but it would only be acceptable for those that don't keep in touch much besides birthdays and Chrsitmases. I make smartshow 3d video cards for distant relatives but that's proportional to the effort we all usually make for each other. In your DS's case it clearly means that part of family isn't really interested in gift giving or birthdays, so I'd stop with gift giving on my part as well. Maybe keep the card exchanging thing still or swap it with calls/Whatsapp messages. Going NC would probably be nuclear, but lowing down the effort would be an entirely fine thing to do.

Oh, and as for the party you've been invited to, does your son wants to go? Does he stay in good contact with his cousin at all? If the answer is no to both questions, I'd skip it and wouldn't bother inviting her either. Being relatives doesn't mean you have to stay in contact a lot or be friends, not having a lot in common and just be cordial is fine.

I think yabu if you go NC without having a conversation with him like an adult, so you can align your expectations on gifting and spending on the kids.

When I was 13 I loved getting gift cards or cash.