Some gifts are thoughtless

[Nanbreadd]

It was my son's birthday last week, he turned 13, and he received an online card from my brother.
I am sorry, I think it's such a thoughtless gift. I have always sent his daughter presents and a card for her birthday and Christmas. He didn't sent any presents to my children during Christmas, and I sent his daughter a bundle of toys. I think it's better to go NC; he has zero interest in my family and I am tried of making all the effort.
He has invited us to his daughter's birthday party, out off obligation, but I feel like not going.

i think it slightly confusing because you seem to be calling an online birthday card a gift.

You refer to a thoughtless gift…
Did he get a digital birthday card and no gift - in which case YABU for confusing everyone with the title, because a card isn’t a gift, it’s a card.
Or did he get a gift card that was sent digitally?

I would go NC because of that.

I can understand you being annoyed, however people also don’t give to receive. It’s shit that he doesn’t buy for your family, but you would be punishing his kids by suddenly stopping the gifts.

I would just accept it for what it is, but I think NC is a bit much.

Going NC seems extreme! You could perhaps just send a card to your niece in future, rather than gifts, but at least your brother has remembered and acknowledged the birthday, which is more important than whether he buys a gift.

You want to act as though you no longer have a brother or niece, never speak to them again, make things incredibly awkward for other family members, deny your children a relationship with their cousin, and cause a whole load of drama, all because his idea of gifts doesn't match your own?
Wouldn't it be easier just to give to your niece based on what you genuinely want to do for the child rather than in expectation your brother will reciprocate? Or if it has to be transactional and like for like, just scale down your efforts to match his?

One could argue that a 'bundle of toys' is thoughtless. Do you know if they wanted them, have space for them or are already overrun with plastic tat.

If you only gift to receive then you are inevitably going to feel disappointment at some point.

NC is OTT. Agree not to do presents any more if he can’t be bothered. Just see him as and when on a more casual basis. Some people aren’t that much into family and are more into their friends.

I can't eat milk. Haven't done for 40 years. Still gifted chocolate from people well aware of this. I just hand my husband it. People are often thoughtlesss because everyone can seems to enjoy chocolate.

It would be better to just match his energy with gift giving. Going NC seems a bit extreme at the moment. Dial it back and see how that goes.

Men can be like that. My brother is the best uncle out there, he loves my kids so much but he's not great with gifts on the right day.

Thoughtless if they dont like it though or are dieting

Incidentally, when someone claims that a family member has gone NC with them and they can't understand why, no-one believes them and they're told that "no-one goes NC for no good reason"

Next time there's an OP like that, maybe we should all remember this one.

Thing is, I don't think OP really means going NC. It's a reflex reaction that she hasn't thought through. I doubt it means that she never wants to speak to him again or attend any family events if it means he might be there. Not unless there is way more to the story than she is telling. She might mean LC, perhaps?

Online gift cards are good gifts for teens because they will have particular tastes and can use it when they see something good.

Why are you jumping to NC rather than matching your brother’s energy with regards to gifts and sending a voucher for niece’s birthday? I agree it’s shit that the age is wrong but I’m also curious how close you are to your brother? You probably won’t want to hear this but he probably considers your bundle of gifts as OTT and would prefer you to scale down your gift giving too.

Aside from the fact he doesn't give your kids presents, do you like him and value the relationship?

I think it's better to go NC; he has zero interest in my family and I am tried of making all the effort.

How does he treat you though? It doesn't follow that because (assuming its right because many people, men often but not always, don' t pay much regard to birthdays or birthday cards) he has no interest in your family or children that he doesn't care about you either

I don't understand why people assume that caring about someone automatically means they have to be interested in their family. It's possible to dearly love someone and want the best for them but to really not care about their husband/bf/ or children beyond hoping all is well for them. It's a common complaint on here not just about siblings but friends as well. You need a relationship -by which I mean actual regular ongoing contact - and to like someone in order to care about them. There is no automatic basis on which to insist someone who loves you should be interested in, care about or love your children. They are not actually part of you. They are separate individuals. Same for partners. I'm sure we all know lovely women whose partners you wouldnt piss on if they were on fire.

You'd hope a biologically related sibling would be interested and care but it is only a hope and a lack of interest or care as I've said other than hoping you are happy doesn't mean they dont care about you.

If he's caring to you and loves you going no contact over this is dumb. If he's not nice to you that is a different poing.

Online gift cards are good gifts for teens because they will have particular tastes and can use it when they see something good

@Snorlaxo
But the OPs son didn't get an online gift card.

They just got a birthday card (not even a real one).

This DOES NOT MATTER. Why would you eradicate a core family relationship over this?

Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, this just isn’t a strength of his. To be honest, aunts and uncles miss the mark in gifts half the time anyway, even with the best intentions. Maybe he is a fun uncle in another way. In a way that you are not a fun aunt perhaps. Even if not, you would be cutting your nose off to spite your face to remove him from your life.

In any event, it’s your son and your niece who are the beneficiaries/victims here, not you. So why would you unilaterally make this choice (and leave them without an uncle and an aunt in their lives)? And I bet they don’t care half of much as you do anyway. My kids had loads of rubbish presents from aunts and uncles and just accepted it as part of life’s ups and downs. It’s a useful life lesson in resilience. The children will take their cue from you so if you let it go, they will too. And how do you know your niece liked the toys? Maybe she had them all already, or they weren’t her cup of tea.

Be a bit more chill. And hope your brother forgives whatever your flaws are. Sounds like being judgemental and quick to fly off the handle are amongst them.

There must be SO much more to this for you to consider going NC.
I can’t quite work out if the online Happy Birthday card was literally just a virtual card or was it a voucher to spend somewhere?

Going NC seems a bit extreme unless there is more going on but I would absolutely stop making any effort with your Brother.

Going non contact over gifts is ridiculous. Surely you can just scale back your effort around presents to match his level? It doesn't have to define your entire relationship with him!

That seems extreme. I don’t buy my niece birthday I resent. I buy when u see her (she lives in another country so every other year). Just stop buying his kids gifts. If he has no interest in the family would he even notice if you went NC?

Gosh you sound like my sister. Shes just caused lots of drama because I didn’t get my niece, who I never see, and who has plenty of toys, a birthday present. It’s mainly because I’ve literally just had a baby, the birth had loads of complications, I’ve been in hospital for weeks and I’m going to need more surgery, I also have a toddler to organise and my DH works full time. But apparently I’m thoughtless because I only sent a card and not a gift as well!

I’m sadly NC with all of my siblings nieces and nephews. It’s utterly devastating, you do not want to wish that upon yourself.

just go lower contact. he has remembered the birthday. And for his kids just do a card with £5 in it from now on.

Enjoy your nieces birthday party and please remember many aunts don’t get to see their nieces let alone get invited to their parties.

I think it's better to go NC

Please say what you actually mean. "I think it's better to give him the silent treatment to passive-aggressively prove my point."

Actually going NC is not the same as you sulking.