Some gifts are thoughtless

[Nanbreadd]

It was my son's birthday last week, he turned 13, and he received an online card from my brother.
I am sorry, I think it's such a thoughtless gift. I have always sent his daughter presents and a card for her birthday and Christmas. He didn't sent any presents to my children during Christmas, and I sent his daughter a bundle of toys. I think it's better to go NC; he has zero interest in my family and I am tried of making all the effort.
He has invited us to his daughter's birthday party, out off obligation, but I feel like not going.

I think it's better to go NC

How very scorched earth!

he has zero interest in my family

If that were true, he wouldn’t have sent a birthday card. Why not just match his energy?

He's not good with presents, it's rude, yes. Simply accept this or if you want to do tit for tat stop buying for your niece. I see no reasons here to cut him out your life and refuse to speak to him, unless he's abusive in some way. This is a minor "my brother is a bit crap" issue not a "I should not have to deal with having this person in my life" issue. People can be annoying and a bit rude and still be a loved fanily member, I'm sure you're not always perfect, it's life.

My DD has had a jewellery box from FatFace for Christmas & Birthday every year for the past 5 years. DS bern given colourful balls and DS a beard grooming kit!

It’s not worth going NC over that. Personally I’d still give your niece presents, as it’s not fair if she misses out because her dad is lazy.

You don't sound particularly close and I think you are missing his hints that he doesn't want to send gifts. He has sent a card so has remember the day (even if the age is incorrect) so there is some thought there.
I think maybe he realises at 13 he wouldn't know what your son wanted and maybe he finds the gifts you sent aren't liked. It would be better if he did say he didn't want to do gifts but maybe he is trying to give you the hint.

🤣 WTF?!

I wouldn’t go NC over this but I’d definitely match his energy by just sending his kids a card . You’re right to be upset if he can’t even get their age right .

re the birthday party (out of obligation) i think you need to ask your self do you want a relationship with your nieces and nephews ? That is different to being p!ssed-off at your brother. He is being though-less. Can you see nieces & nephews on their own. Or just tell him your unhappy with him and his behaviour and it should be about the children being close and cousins

Go no contact?? Wow.

Does your brother have money issues? If he does just let it go, he thought enough to send a card. If he doesn’t have money issues and couldn’t even buy a 10 quid online voucher then I think that tells you everything you need to know about the relationship.

You'd go non contact BEFORE you have a conversation with your brother about it?!

Send him a whatsapp "hey, thanks for the e-card for (son's name). Just wanted to check in whether you wanted to stop doing birthday presents and cards for our kids? I sent cards and a gift through the post for (niece names) but if you wanted to stop because it's expensive or whatever I just wanted to check before the party!" or something like that. Or "I know it's tricky knowing what to get him these days, if you're stuck for ideas let me know".

How old are the nieces? 13 year old boys are very different from 8 year old girls. Maybe he's remembering back to when he was 13, boys stop doing cards and presents for each other much younger.

And when it comes to Christmas, just TALK WITH EACH OTHER BEFORE! So you know - are you doing a secret santa, are you getting just gifts for the kids - make a plan so everyone knows.

That’s a pretty sick comparison to make.

In this situation yes I’d be annoyed. I’d start just giving an e-card too. But I wouldn’t go no contact over it unless there’s a back story not shared….

There is sometimes a learning point around "some people are just a bit crap" that serves us all well in later life.

My late Dad was one of those, he loved my sister and I and his grandchildren dearly and would happily hand out cash but only rarely bought a card (I used to buy him one to give to me 🤣) and I don't think every bought a present.

I used to get cards and presents for everyone from him as well as me for birthdays and Christmas when the kids were little but it all got quite complicated so once the kids got old enough they all learnt that Grandad loved them and was open to being fleeced for cash (nicely) but he was crap at birthdays and Christmas and there was no point expecting much else from him. It saves a lot of disappointment and his grandchildren have fantastic memories of the time they spent with him 💕

I'd have loved that - to buy what I want instead of what an uncle thinks I might want.

I think more people need to be more willing to say, “shall we stop doing reciprocal gifts?”

I don’t see my own aunt often at all. Every Christmas she sends me stuff I don’t want and now a sack full of stuff for my kids that they don’t want (and that I don’t want to find space for!) and my mother does the same on reverse for my cousins and their kids. None of whom she sees!

My sister bought me a bath set for Christmas. I am disabled and don’t have a bath. You might even call it deliberate. I don’t think a voucher is that thoughtless. Low effort maybe but the thought was there. Oh I’m sorry it was just an ecard? Yeah that’s a bit shit but not worth going NC over, it’s not a capital offence. You stop doing gifts because they aren’t reciprocated!

Well I’m with you OP. I has this for years with my sister in law. Never sent my kids cards or presents but would remind me when it was her kids’ birthdays. I stopped sending anything. Made me feel so much better.

Why it shows the seriousness that going nc should be based on and what people agonise over. Not something done on a whim, this is why there us so much judgement around people who choose to go nc

He didn’t send a gift card, he sent an online birthday card.

OP Ive been in this situation, I just matched efforts in the end. Just do the same going forward.

I’m unsure why everyone here thinks he received a voucher? OP stated an online card, she doesn’t say gift voucher and also confirms this further down.

No contact is a really extreme measure and ime NC with family is usually for reasons of this like child abuse history, narcissism, financial abuse, prolonged fuckery or other really major and prolonged issues that make a relationship impossible. If we all go NC whenever someone does something irritating and thoughtless we’d be completely isolated. There has to be some imperfection tolerance in all relationship. So yes YABU unless there is some backstory you are not disclosing.

Probably bc the thread title is rather misleading!

Get over your own narcissism. You'd be cut your niece off for some he's done?

Yanbu to be angry. YABU to go NC.

My SIL repeatedly ‘forgets’ certain birthdays and has always been sporadic about gifts and cards. Whereas we never forget her child and always make sure he has something on his birthday and at Christmas. And yes, as a one off it seems no big deal but if this is a general attitude I’m not surprised you’re hurt. It shows such little thought and care.

People say it’s not indicative of anything that really matters but I would argue the opposite - actions speak louder than words and if he really can’t be arsed to get a simple birthday card right, then like a lot of posters here (and my SIL) it shows they’re not really bothered. That’s just shit.

But equally I wouldn’t go NC. I’d ask him why he doesn’t give a shit and whether that’s how he wants his nephew to think of him - as the uncle that couldn’t be bothered? Have a conversation about it.