I feel like I'm not my partner's true love

[ForSpryPeachWasp]

Posting from outside of the UK, I hope that's not an issue... Anyways, I'm 30 years old, a FTM (baby is 19 months old), and have been with my partner (29 years old) for 5 years now. Our relationship has been good for the most part, despite our rocky beginnings. I mention the way our relationship started because, being totally honest, this may be the main reason for some of what I'm about to describe. We met on a dating app when he was still in a relationship with his ex. I didn't know when we met but found out very quickly and decided to carry on seeing him anyways. Not proud of it to be clear. They broke up eventually after six years together.

From day 1 I have felt like I found 'my person' in him. He's smart, ambitious, handsome, has a lot of values and interests I share. Along with our baby we have built a beautiful life together. And yet despite all of the good things I can't describe the way I feel the lack of... intimacy (?) from his side. I don't mean purely in the physical sense. It's more like something I'm missing from him? I've thought a lot about this over the years and the only thing I can come up with is a feeling of him being reluctant. It doesn't feel like he's curious about me at all, or at least, not anymore. He doesn't put in effort to get me to open up or understand where I'm coming from when we're going through something. For example, I went through a rough patch with my mental health after my mom passed last year, and have honestly been needing quite a bit of support emotionally. I've tried to talk to him about this but he doesn't really engage or understand. Or bother to ask me what I'm experiencing. It's like he doesn't care enough to put in effort. And I've always felt like, for true love, you put in work and effort. I know I have...

I suppose his ex comes in here as well. She's been a bit of a third factor in our relationship since the start. The first year and a half of our relationship was filled with ups and downs as he clearly hadn't moved on from one relationship and was already starting a new one. We did work through that, he went completely no contact, and for a while it worked. Until about a year ago, shortly after I gave birth. We hti another rocky patch, one thing lead to another, and by his own confession to me he started slipping and making 'contact'. Meaning saving her social media pictures to his phone and DMing her when he drinks, begging her to take him back, asking for nudes. He showed me the messages he sent and they were....... not good.

Now, I've chosen to trust him and his word because he was transparent about it and seemed sincerely apologetic, and so far he has kept his promise to me and our child. But combined with his general reluctant attitude towards me sometimes, it just makes me feel more and more unwanted. I've expressed that I'd like to get married soon since we've been together for 5 years, had a baby, and are financially stable. Even though I try my hardest not to come off desperate (which is really difficult when you've dreamt of your "happy ever after"), he dismisses the idea anytime I bring it up and says that there's no rush. Knowing full well he proposed to her at one point. She rejected him but still. It hurts.

Sometimes I feel like what we have has all been in my head, built up and imagined because I want him so badly to be my happy ending. Does he even want this, does he want me, or does he want her? What am I missing? What does she have? This is all very hard to write to be honest. Makes it too real. But I don't have any friends or family to talk about this with irl, so reaching out here felt like my only option to get some perspectives on this and see if anyone can relate. Thank you in advance.

Im sorry OP and i cant beliwve 55% think yabu!
Trust your gut. You deserve more.
Requesting nudes from his ex! He clearly would sleep with her given half the chance.
I realise you must be feeling very vulnerable and fragile having such a young child and being a SAHM but I think you need to think of and prepare for a future without him before he destroys all if your self esteem.
You may have a romanticised version of "true love" some men arent emotionally intelligent but the issues you describe go way beyond that

YABU to keep doing this to yourself and your child.
Do you want DC to grow up thinking that this is how partners/ spouses are treated?
He has showed you who he is. Any sign of trouble and he looks elsewhere for comfort.

He sound pathetic. Cheats on his ex, dumps her (or she dumps him?) has a baby with OW who he doesn’t love, in a revolting moment of self pity sends wank video to ex, tells OW all about it and shows her. Why on earth are you so desperate to keep him and where is your self respect. He seems hooked on making the women in his life utterly miserable. Dump Mr Drunkenwankvideo fgs.

What is it you can't let go of? Were things really incredible at some early stage and you're trying to get back to that? He sounds like an absolute dick.

Please stop changing yourself for him. This needs to stop now.

Please end the relationship. You are losing yourself. You’re going to make yourself ill the longer this continues.

No one is ever quite a cheater's true love. The grass is always greener on the other side for cheaters.

Well he laid his cards on the table from the start didn’t he? He’s a cheater 🤷‍♀️ Good luck getting 100% emotional commitment from someone like that.

I understand, up to a point, why it might matter for you to feel this relationship hasn't "failed."

I had a friend who would begin to talk about going off her BFs, but, as soon as they moved first to end it, she would go into overdrive trying to rescue it.

As much as I would say to her "but isn't this better: you were tiring of him anyway", she became obsessed with reigniting the relationship. It was simply because she didn't want to feel she had been rejected, so she would hang on the the dead corpse of the relationship and get dragged behind him as he moved on to the next.

In many ways I can understand why you would not want to feel you have "failed" to secure him: you have a child with him, and that complicates things beyond the reaction of my friend. But I do feel there is an element of just not accepting "defeat" here OP.

So this guy has cheated three times that you have accepted - once when you met - he was dishonest and was actually cheating on you until he bothered to tell you he was in a LTR. Then there is the first set of texts (emotional affair - because they were discussing you) then the third batch of sexting. How did you find out? Did he ‘fess up (because he wants you to dump him)?

You said you don’t feel loved - you are very astute - you are not loved.

What was your upbringing like OP? What was your blue print for relationships between parents and also between child and parent?

I am going to guess one of neglect, possibly abuse - because your self esteem and boundaries are so low.

The most important thing you can do now is focus on some intentional personal growth to fix the emotional deficits that your parents left you with - so much so that you have walked into this situation (after many similar experiences) and stayed when someone has opening cheated on you (at least 3 times) and you know doesnt love you.

This is destroying you. Your baby has already had a rough start because his mum isn’t happy and she’s preoccupied and prioritising her finite energy, time and thoughts on this dreadful man. Even if you are with your baby 24/7 they will sense your sadness and distraction. They will internalise this as distress and fear and you will create a child with poor emotional foundations which often leads to chronic MH in teenage years.
This is all time critical - the first 3 years are crucial and it’s time for you to pivot your headspace to attuning to your baby - but you will also need to re-parent yourself during this time. Your skanky boyfriend in the picture will drain your finite precious emotional time and energy. You have the gift and honour of being a mum now - seize that with both hands - these days are critical and so rewarding down the line - don’t give a drop of it to the skanky man - your child needs you emotionally fit and focused on them.

I'm beginning to think you've had a baby for that reason too. You say the baby wasn't planned...do you mean by him? Honestly, your comments just boggle the mind. Get yourself a good therapist and try to move on with your life. You have a lot of self-respect and confidence issues to work through.

I think only you can know deep down what you are willing to put up with and what risk you are prepared to take gambling your future happiness. Are you happy to stay with him, feeling insecure or are you happy to roll the dice and see if you can find happiness elsewhere or on your own? It depends what you can be happy with.
People comment on here like life’s a fairy tale but most relationships aren’t perfect and have their ups and downs, and sometimes the downs can make you stronger as a couple.
The fact he told you everything is a good sign but I am not sure I could be ok with the messages and videos, it would take a lot of apologies and reassurances to help me move past that. Has he done anything to show that he is worried about losing you because of all this? He should have really to make it worth you sticking around in my opinion.

I have had circumstances years ago where I questioned my partners fidelity due to a medical result, it could have been an error or he could have cheated but the circumstances meant I could never know if he was lying or not, and had to decide whether I was happy to take his word or leave. I chose to stay and trust him.
I must admit sometimes doubt nags at me a tiny bit now and again. I have had no reason to doubt him since but my mind drifts back there occasionally.

I actually came on here for advice and got mostly terrible feedback but it did help to clarify my own feelings. Be careful taking advice from people who don’t know or care about you.

Luckily I had people to talk to and my sister just said, you will never know so you just have to choose. It’s not the same as your situation but I do think you have to just make a choice.

Maybe I was an idiot or maybe I did the right thing but it was my choice to make. I know me, I know him, I know what makes me happy and what I can and can’t live with.

I would try to talk to him more though, let him know how YOU are feeling and ask for him to consider your feelings, maybe get him drunk first so he loses those inhibitions!

I do think he should be making a fuss about making you feel better about the whole situation, that to me would show he cares about you at least.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you. I think you are just going to have to trust your gut.

btw I don’t think it’s Karma, I would stop torturing yourself with that, Men do have free will and situations are rarely black and white

I can see you have low self esteem to be saying this. He knows that you'll pretty much accept anything from him, because the masterbation video would absolutely be a dealbreaker for so many.

The relationship is imbalanced in terms of feelings.

This man actively went on a dating website when he had a girlfriend. He didn't just meet you by chance.

I'm not sure if you're a thrill to him and a fantasy in some ways. He now feels obligated to stay with you for the baby.

When looking at good He feels about you, does he instigate affection? What little gestures does he do to show he cares?

You choose a cheat and you are wondering if he is actually that bothered by you. Truth is he will always be looking for the next thrill.

Tbf, a man I'd ended a relationship with did that to me once. In slow motion. Not something anyone ever wants to see! 🤮🙈

It didn't work either and I blocked him.

I just need him to love me and put me first at all times.

That's not going to happen because it isn't happening. If it were going to happen, it would be already happening. You are waiting on a fools errand here.

Can i ask, is there a part of you that feels the need to hang on to him because you are worried he will go back to her if you end it?

I guess it's her baby's dad. That does count for something.

But I agree, it is just not salvageable. An isolated, clean affair might be one thing but this guy is an inveterate cheat.

OP, kindly. You are the only one of the two of you who needs to 'see someone' here. You need help with your boundaries and self esteem. He is playing you, messing you around. He's a dick but he's not the victim here, he's in control. You are playing the pick me dance, you have zero self esteem, you are letting him walk all over you, you are not even earning your own money so you and your child are reliant on him. You've been VERY foolish and naive, but what's done is done and you need to move forward now. Get rid and get therapy NOW, for your own and your child's sake and one day, you'll hopefully find a love that is worth something. This one isn't EVER going to be that. Raise your standards. You have a child, you need to step up, both for yourself and for them.

Agree. It shows how central in his mind his own arousal is to any "relationship."

Oh sorry, you said you were a FTM, which implied you didn't work?

It's not rude at all of people to assume that, based on the info you've given.

That's a SAHM. A FTM is normally a First Time Mum.

A first time mom? My child is my first and only. I work.

So stop. You're like living proof of how pointless the sunk cost fallacy is.

I've read many comments and am going to talk to him tonight and tell him how I feel. Maybe I'll show him this post - I hope it'll get through to him. The comment suggesting trial separation made me think, too. Perhaps it'd be good for me and my baby to have some time apart. I can afford it, so it's an option I'm not ruling out as opposed to leaving him straight away, which I won't do.

Why not? You're still doing the 'pick me' dance, and there's nothing more unattractive than that. I mean, he's shown you over and over again that he's not interested in how you feel. He's presumably aware of it, it's just not a priority for him.

This has put 2 questions in my head -

1. who are you trying to look like for him? I do hope you aren’t styling yourself on his ex.
2. More importantly, what effort is he putting in to keep you? Because as far as I can see it is nothing.

As I said in my first post, if you talk to him he will play a blinder and you’ll just feel daft to doubt him. Mine used to say ‘if I make you feel so bad then perhaps it’s best we don’t see each other anymore - I don’t want to make you feel bad about yourself, I’m causing you upset’…… Obviously I panicked because I didn’t want him to go and the thought of not seeing him filled me with dread so all the talking in the world wouldn’t have solved anything because he was better than me at ‘talking’. What do you need to talk about? He’s done it he damage and it’s up to you if you let him damage you, and eventually your child, even more.