To change school for friendships

[Catherine468]

My daughter is in year 5, aged 9. She’s been in this class with these classmates for several years but doesn’t have a reliable friendship group. She’s the odd man out in a group of three, the other two often whispering to each other and telling her if and when and how she can play.
im wondering if it would be totally mad and unreadonable to consider moving her to another local school, primarily for reasons of friendship. Our school is average and the ones around are similar.
it feels risky and could go either way I guess, she could be the new kid in a class of established friendships who can’t break in, or she might find some better friends.
Aibu to consider it?

why would you not encourage friendships within her current school and have you spoken to her teacher.
Seems drastic so are there other issues

It’s a small group, there are only so many girls in the class and she doesn’t seem to gel with anyone else.

I wouldn’t move in year 5 unless she was really unhappy. The remaining time in primary will fly by.

Is she unhappy?
These friendships will all change once at High School anyway. I'd concentrate on fostering friends elsewhere - clubs etc, from areas likely to be feeders for High School. Make transferable friendships.

She’s not miserable, but she is struggling a bit with it. She says most days she doesn’t want to go to school, but she comes home happy enough, although will tell me that the girls weren’t playing nicely. She always has to ask to play, ask if she can do x y and z, they go and have a private chat to decide. All that bitchy stuff.

I know a few people who have done this (moving from our dcs school and to it). If your dd is unhappy it's worth exploring. Has her current school done anything to try and help?

I just feel that she has no ‘place’ in this class. She has some lovely friendships in clubs with girls she really gets along nicely with. It’s just sad that she doesn’t have this at school. If I could guarantee it for her I’d move her in a heartbeat. But she might like it less than we are really screwed.

Either you move her and she makes friends or she stays here and doesn’t. I was moved at age 8 and hated it and moved back to my old school so I’d say it’s not an ideal age to move a child.

Parents eve they always say everything fine.
The school did invite her to some specual lunchtime club three days a week where you can do crafts and thing but didn’t tell me about it, which I think might be related to friendships perhaps. But I don’t know as they haven’t said anything about it,

Have you arranged play dates?

Yes, we’ve done some play dates although not loads. We’ve always done parties and had girls round.

She did have a closer friend but she moved schools.

Are there regular play dates though?

Lots of play dates with the girl who then moved away.

That’s a shame about that girl.

Yes, it’s definitely had an impact.
she’s had a couple of play dates with other girls at their houses. One I tried to reciprocate but they had then fallen out over something. Another, the play date at her home involved a very large uncontrolled dog and I didn’t want my daughter to get invited back so I didn’t reciprocate.

Forgive me for being so blunt, but are you sure you’re not the problem? Any time I see girls without friends, Mum is usually part of the dynamic. The fact that you’re contemplating changing school with just four terms to go is a sign that you’re not comfortable with the natural ebbs and flows of friendly relationships - you’re seeking to avoid rather than resolve differences.

Avoidance is a good strategy for dealing with playground bullies but it won’t help you make and maintain friendships.

You need to prioritise playdates doing a side by side activity rather than simply being expected to play together. It’s less involving so less high stakes. Then you progress to playdates at home, and then parties. So often parents throw their friendless kid an epic party but don’t realise that’s the cherry on top of a friendship, not its building blocks.

You also need to gel with other parents - primary school friendships are very much dependent on whether other parents like you as well as like your kid.

Are there only 2 other girls in her class? I’d encourage her to go to the lunchtime sessions the school is putting on and/or speak to other girls in the class. She may be getting upset as she continues to try and be friends with the two that are excluding her. Try and move her away from doing this.

Having said all that one more year and she’ll be in secondary school. For both of mine I was amazed at the shift in friendship group and the change from being in a popular group to not and vice-versa. You don’t want to have to think about moving schools as this may happen again. Teach her resilience and to make friends with the other kids in her class! X

I wouldn't bother unless she was seriously upset, avoiding school etc. Not long to go now and everything changes when they move up to secondary. Far more kids to "choose from" friendship wise.

Also I speak from experience when I say that often these things bother us (mums) more than it bothers them (kids)

Ok, having had 2 girls recently go through year 5 I would say year 5 is by far the worst year for friendships and although it can seem so unfair and stressful, these things often do resolve over time. My eldest had exactly what you’ve described in year 5 but things levelled out in year 6. My youngest was low-level bullied by another girl in her class in year 4 and 5 but we chose not to move her as she managed to make other friends and actually didn’t want to move. She’s in year 6 now, things are a lot better and we are just hoping the larger pool of children at secondary school will allow her to find her people. Good luck, I know how tough it can be.

Will she go to the same secondary school regardless of which primary school she attends?
We moved our ds in y4 (we moved house). He could have stayed at the same primary but would not have moved to the same secondary school as those class mates as we lived in a different LA although schools are only a mile apart.

Have you discussed the problem with the teacher apart from at Parents’ Evening? Before moving her, I would make an appointment, which is only about this (PE tends to focus on academics). It does sound like it’s only been mentioned in passing - and it sounds quite serious.

It’s only really become an issue this year because she had the old friend to play with all years before this.
I’ve tried to move her away from these two girls but she says all the others are playing football and she doesn’t like football. So it’s sort of these two or nothing.

I haven’t raised it with the teacher because I know friendships at this age are so up and down and one minute they fall out and the next minute they are fine. I pretty laid back and don’t generally get involved in school stuff.

I think once this sort of power dynamic has started, it's very hard to disrupt and I can understand why a new start may be best.

In the meantime, I'm sure there are skills you could practise with her, like not asking to play and just joining in.
I've just done a quick Google and there are lots of books on how to support and coach your child with social skills for friendships. - I'm not suggesting your child lack skills, far from, but it takes a particular skillset to disrupt that sort of catty girl behaviour from peers.
You could practise some strategies with her and if they don't help, they'll be useful in avoiding that sort of dynamic beginning at the next school.

The teacher might have some ideas for managing this situation too that they can bring in, so I think it is worth a chat.