To change school for friendships

[Catherine468]

My daughter is in year 5, aged 9. She’s been in this class with these classmates for several years but doesn’t have a reliable friendship group. She’s the odd man out in a group of three, the other two often whispering to each other and telling her if and when and how she can play.
im wondering if it would be totally mad and unreadonable to consider moving her to another local school, primarily for reasons of friendship. Our school is average and the ones around are similar.
it feels risky and could go either way I guess, she could be the new kid in a class of established friendships who can’t break in, or she might find some better friends.
Aibu to consider it?

I've got to say - I do kind of agree.

the play date with activities and being friends with other mum's is so helpful. I know my DD was invited to lots of things as I was on good terms with the other girls' mums. We all got on fine and and this helped play dates and parties and activities - even tho we never stayed at them it just seemed to ease stuff x

Definitely move her.

The reason I say is because this will be affecting her confidence and understanding of herself. If she moves and has a good end of year 5 and year 6 then she'll be in a much better place when she moves to secondary which can be pretty brutal.

New girls tend to be quite popular and it'll give her a new start.

I don’t think it’s me 😂
I’ve got good mum friends in the class, albeit more boy mums than girl mums. It’s my second child whilst most of the class it’s their first so I think that changes the dynamic a bit, I’m less keen for really close school mum friends possibly as I have them from last time.

See there’s a little piece of me thinks… what if….
what if she joins a class where she can make lots of new friends and find some who are a good fit. She’s chatty and bubbly.

She'll be more aware of friendship dynamics having had this problem and with a little guidance she might build her confidence back up and get her ready for senior.

Worst case scenario she is in the same boat and then maybe it could be time to do a little reading about friendships before secondary.

A year and a half at 9-10 years old is a long time.

My daughter was in a similar boat at one point. After trying, she moved away from the dynamic and made plenty of new friends. She sees both girls on each their own from time to time and they get on. It was that particular group of 3 that stopped working as I think one was trying to impress the other. One of the girls has gone on to struggle with friendships so I guess whatever was behind her strategy for trying to curry favour with the other girl wasn't helpful to her in the long-term as girls mature.

The suggestion of structured playdates is excellent. One at a time or with a different child in the mix other than the two that are being controlling.

She has some lovely friendships in clubs with girls she really gets along nicely with
Which school do these girls go to?

I think in your position I would start looking at potential schools and ask if they have places and if you can go and visit.
You don't have to decide right now whether to move her or not but if you spend some time getting a feel for what is available then you have more information to make a decision with.
I often do this when I'm struggling with a big decision. I check things out, gather information, have a look around and in the process of doing that things become clearer and often the decision is to leave things as they are. .
You won't be able to decide until you've looked at what the possibilities are.

What if she moves school and doesnt make friends there i would assume friendship groups would have already have formed and she will be the new kids at a new school which could be difficult

How big is her class versus different school?

Her friend who moved schools. Did they move to the school your thinking of

I know someone whose child had friendship problems in primary school, then had friendship problems in secondary school, moved schools, then had friendship issues in 6th form and is now at Uni and is having the same problem. There’s a common denominator there! The child! You are better teaching her how to maintain or create friendships.

Friend moved her child but did 2:3 taster days at the new school to get a feel
for the cultural fit. Would that work form your daughter?

I also know a girl who had friendship problems around year 5 moved schools and never looked back.

Yeah - in response to the poster who said ‘just move her’ I’d offer the opposite advice! We moved dd in year 5 because she just hadn’t found her tribe and it was out the frying pan into the fire!….new school was far worse: established friendships since reception and Mum’s completely not interested (I offered play dates, tried really hard to be friendly but nothing broke the ice). It’s only 18 months till secondary…I’d stay put!!

If your daughter is having problems being the third girl to an established pair, what makes you think she will feel more comfortable starting afresh in a school year in which the pairs are also established, and complete strangers to boot?

You need to teach your daughter how to make friends and keep them. It’s an essential life skill.

When you wrote you hadn’t made such an effort with the parents as you did with the parents of your older child, at least one of the problems became really obvious. Remedy that now.

Also, why is your DD fixating on a friendship pair who are already so closely bonded? She needs to look elsewhere, not guilt trip or coerce them into befriending her.

I socialise with school mums from her class regularly, we have WhatsApp group etc. I don’t think this is an issue.

I wouldn’t say she is a third wheel trying to cram herself into a bonded pair, so much as one of them plays the other two off against each other. Some days my daughter is the chosen one and the other one feels left out. But this week she has been the odd one out. They aren’t particularly desirable friends so I’d rather she left them alone and found someone else to play with.

And why would you assume a 9 year old to be guilt tripping or coercing someone to be her friend. What a strange thing to suggest.

I’m in the same position op. 9 year old but in year 4. Iv tried play dates, literally never reciprocated and lots of tears about not being allowed to play at playtime.

I work full time, I try my best but I’m clearly an outsider and my daughter has suffered as a result.

Tried clubs but now considering a school move. It’s heartbreaking not being able to help.

But there are other girls in her class. It’s not these two or no one.

I honestly wouldn't unless she is actively unhappy. If she's always been at this school she's had 5 years to form good friendships already and hasn't, so I doubt she will in the time at a new primary school. It's 18 months. Taking out holidays that's 9 months. 9 months to form good friendships is an enormous ask, especially for someone who sounds like she's not formed lasting friendships over 5 years.

No I don’t think so. Children in year 5 at any school will have well established long standing friendships she would struggle to integrate

This is interesting, I didn’t know this is an option.

She’s got a massive school move in a few years which will create the same opportunity for new friendships.

I’d move her. I should have moved my eldest for year 6, and she spent the year unhappy because I didn’t and friendships were not working out.

Ask if she wants to move or stick it out.

No chance would i risk it the new school could be worse

If my child was desperate to move and old enough to be aware of the risk yes then it is up to them but no way would I make the decision for them

It’s so tricky isn’t it. If there was some way of knowing age would make better friendships I would move her but if it’s worse then we are stuck there. I don’t think it’s quick or easy to move back or forth.