Am I being delusional?

[sillygoose111]

I feel like I know the answer but I need a word of encouragement and maybe someone else to share their experience.

I’m 28F who’s been very independent since I left home at 19, I have a child who’s soon to be 5.

Unfortunately life has been lifing and I’m left in a situation to decide what to do next after a breakup to make sure I can provide the best life for the both of us. I’m down to two options and I guess I want a positive perspective to feel that I’m not absolutely failing as a mother.

1. I could stay were we live now and keep her in the school were she started in September (she’s in reception) and claim UC. However although I’d have more independence, my own space, this option would limit my ability to save and overall it would be harder to move on in life.
2. Move in with my grandma and uncle who’s looking after her (we are similar age with him and have a good relationship). I’d be able to save as much as I can as majority of my earning will go to savings. But that means changing school for the little one. I’m so scared she will have a hard time. I know that I would be doing this for our future but still I feel so much guilt and as if I’d fail her.

It wouldn’t be permanent but 1-2 years for me to hopefully to be able to save for a deposit and buy something for ourselves. Until then we would share a room.

As I said before I just want some advice/encouragement or for someone to tell me if I’m being completely delusional.

Thank you!

Option 1.

I would move a 5 year old I think. Friendships are made quite quickly at that age. It would be different if she were in her teens

2 she will make new friends and honestly if i had done this when dd was that age I wouldn't be stuck in rented at fifty still on UC panicking about finding work at my age future proof yourself ASAP

Moving her in reception is fine, she will make new friends.

However if the grandma is so unwell uncle has to live in to care for her, is it fair on her (and child) to bring a 5 year old in to her space?

I would move with a plan of when you are moving out again and a savings goal. At 5 she will easily find new friends, anything up to around 9-10yo I would say is fine before they move into puberty and all hell breaks loose 😆

I wish we had moved house when DD was younger but now we are stuck here until she finishes school as her entire social life is here and as a teen it would be a much bigger deal to be starting again at a new school.

Option 2. Kids are very resilient and will adapt to a new school

Take my advice with a pinch of salt because I come from a culture where multi-generational living used to be quite normal. We moved with my grandparents in similar circumstances after my parent's marriage broke down. My mother really struggled with loss of independence but, as a child, I had absolutely amazing time. There was unlimited childcare, I grew very close to my aunt who lived with us for a short while after similar troubles. Granny has been my absolute rock for the last 30+ years and I don't have a single bad thing to say about living with family. We are very very close.
Even now, I'd move in with my granny or my aunt in a hearbeat.

Option two so long as it works well for uncle and Grandma too and you won't end up unexpectedly homeless.

It depends on your housing situation. If you're in social housing then you don't want to lose that. In fact if your housing is decent it would be foolish to forgo it as if it goes tits up at GPs you may not find somewhere else of a comparable quality.

Also can GPs really cope with having you and child living there?

The OP says her uncle lives with her grandmother as her carer, so I'd have thought it's unlikely that there is going to be 'unlimited childcare' or that the grandmother is going to be playing much with a five-year-old. If she needs live-in care, she's not going to be the sort of granny who is going to be able to do much with the child.

Why does your grandma need care? If dementia is in the picture, steer clear, for both your sakes.

What security of tenure would you have at your Grandma's house? What would happen if she dies sooner than you expect? What would happen if you fell out with your uncle?

Also, what is your living situation now? Without that info, we can't really advise.

She’s got cancer that is under control, however she’s got quite a lot of appointments and since he was able to move in and live with her, it made sense for them to do that. She cooks, cleans and moves around the house, but yes she would struggle by herself.

What is your current living situation OP?

I was describing my experience, not suggesting OP's situation is the same. Having said that, my great-grandmother was bedbound after a stroke and we spent many hours together playing bingo in bed or her reading to me. Just because someone needs care, doesn't always mean they can't engage with children.

@SincerelyDoubtIt we rent privately with my now ex. Thinking about it, I do have some savings now if something happened. If I move in my them and anything goes wrong I could go back to option 1. But I’m eager to save as much as I can and O feel option 2 gives me that opportunity..

Also there’s been comments about childcare, I’m not looking for that. I’ve been juggling all of that myself and I am fine with it all, it’s not the case for me trying to have some help with my little one. Thank you everyone.

No issues at age 5 to move school, only just started her school journey. I say that as someone who moved a lot as a child, not only school but countries. It's fine at this young age.

What space would you have in the house? Is there enough room for you child to play, maybe eat separately, have play dates there without it having a detrimental effect on your grandma and uncle?

Is there outside space. How would finances be worked out?

@Happyjoe thank you for sharing. I think I’m seeking that reassurance that she will be ok.

Option 1. I wouldn't lose my independence by moving in with relatives. They'll have their own routines and it will be disruptive to all of you. Also I'd be worried about falling in to a caring role.

I don’t think there’s any harm in giving Option 2 a try, whilst acknowledging that living with other adults can be hard and being prepared an ready to move elsewhere if the arrangement began to show signs of damaging what are currently good family relationships.

@Whatifitallgoesright we would have to share a double room with her plus there’s living room for everyone’s use. Not a huge amount of space but we would have our one space.

Although they say I don’t need to worry about financial aspect, I’d say I’ll take on some of the bills/food so it’s all fair, at the end of the day I’m a working adult.

Sorry, you say "we would have to share a double room with her" Is that a typo? You're not sharing a bedroom with your grandma are you!?

@TittyGajillions I’ve acknowledged that as well and explained that I’ll be working full time and will not be able to do that, I’m happy to clean around the house/cook occasional meal for everyone.