Am I being delusional?

[sillygoose111]

I feel like I know the answer but I need a word of encouragement and maybe someone else to share their experience.

I’m 28F who’s been very independent since I left home at 19, I have a child who’s soon to be 5.

Unfortunately life has been lifing and I’m left in a situation to decide what to do next after a breakup to make sure I can provide the best life for the both of us. I’m down to two options and I guess I want a positive perspective to feel that I’m not absolutely failing as a mother.

1. I could stay were we live now and keep her in the school were she started in September (she’s in reception) and claim UC. However although I’d have more independence, my own space, this option would limit my ability to save and overall it would be harder to move on in life.
2. Move in with my grandma and uncle who’s looking after her (we are similar age with him and have a good relationship). I’d be able to save as much as I can as majority of my earning will go to savings. But that means changing school for the little one. I’m so scared she will have a hard time. I know that I would be doing this for our future but still I feel so much guilt and as if I’d fail her.

It wouldn’t be permanent but 1-2 years for me to hopefully to be able to save for a deposit and buy something for ourselves. Until then we would share a room.

As I said before I just want some advice/encouragement or for someone to tell me if I’m being completely delusional.

Thank you!

@Whatifitallgoesright sorry I meant my daughter!

Definitely option 2 as long as you all get on well. It gives you the best long term security if you can save for a house deposit.

Option 2. Seriously, living with loving family whilst also managing to save for your futures - you’re very lucky to have this as an option.

I think while your dd is young, option 2 is a better choice. She will cope with moving school and the short term disadvantage of sharing rooms etc is easier at this age. Then you can plan to move out having set yourself up in 2-3 years. You are also preserving what savings etc you have now so that if things go wrong wjth the set up, you can pivot.

I would say the key is to have a timeline in mind and work towards that.

Option 2 without question.

I think you're going to have a 50/50 split on responses here OP.

I personally think option 1 as I wouldn't want the pressure and expectations which come with living under someone else's roof. Especially not someone who is elderly and with an illness which could deteriorate.

One other thing, there would be a possibility of changing schools again once we move.

As you probably can tell my main worry in this situation is my daughter and her wellbeing. I had a really messy childhood/teenage years and I might found like a complete control freak but I’m trying my hardest to give her the best I can.

Sound*

Option 2 definitely.

We moved countries when DS was 5 and had spent two terms in reception. He settled really quickly in the new smaller school and had a much better childhood in my opinion.

This!

I think it's better to live with other grown ups, whether that is a partner or other family, when you have a young kid because they could help in an emergency, and give her different ideas and perspectives. It also means you won't be the only adult (outside school hours) that will be permanently responsible for her, and you could get a tiny bit of time for yourself.
She will quickly get used to a new school, and will have different adults to play games with.

There are good sides you have not considered for option 2, Your little girl will probably love sharing a room with you. My nine-year-old still asks daily if you can sleep with me And to be honest, I love it when she does ❤️

Option 2

@babasaclover we are doing it now as well, we both love it!

Moving schools in reception would be absolutely fine. Kids change friendships and groups all the time at that age. I wouldn’t worry about that part at all.

The main concern would be being absolutely sure that you will all get on ok living in the house together. People forgot how hard it can be having a small child in the house. How often do you visit / stay there at the moment. Does Gran get tired easily, do you all have places to chill / watch TV without being in each others space. If you can truely answer yes to this, then I’d go for it for a set time to build your secure future. (I’d probably try and avoid a second school move though).

I would not want to share a room with a child who could be 7 by the time you move again. Will you disturb her sleep every night when you go to bed? As someone who moved schools every 2 years throughout primary / juniors I was OK, however my sibling was not, hating every move. Yes children are resilient but losing all your friends and having to make new ones (especially aged 7 when friendship groups are usually well established) is hard.

Changing schools should be fine with authorities, people move all the time. Personally speaking, I found changing schools fine and did so until I was 11, changed 6 times. Much like you, dad was building a secure future for the family.
My eldest brother though changed just before his final qualifications and found that more of a struggle but he did still do well with grades.. The nice side of changing schools for me is that it made me fairly confident, as had to keep making friends. That's no bad thing, having a bit of confidence.

Personally speaking, I think it's ok until secondary school, when they're starting to head towards qualifications.

Sorry, meant to add, good luck for the future :-)

Option 2

My mum was in this situation when I was little too. Insecure housing meant that I went to 14 schools. As an adult, I have no friends from school, but I’m good when meeting new people.

We lived in one room with a stranger we rented from, share houses and eventually, also in one room with a grandparent. Mum did eventually save that deposit for her own place too, it was her greatest achievement. It provided secure housing for both of us and a great place for her in old age too. She didn’t have much money, but she had her home and I inherited it.

I’m also a teacher and sometimes moves can’t be avoided. Now, while your daughter is small, will be much less disruptive for her.

Good luck with getting that deposit together, it will be worth it.

Thank you everyone!

You don't sound like a control freak at all, OP, you sound like a good mum who's taking your daughter's happiness and future stability seriously.

I'd also say option 2.

I would go for option one just because I can't stand to live with anyone except my kids and dh(well tbh it's hard with him at times).

But if I was a more social open human being and gp and uncle are nice then option 2 would make sense.

As for school- no problem at all changing at that age!

Thank you all once again.

Critical thinking really does come out once you’re in a difficult situation. After reading everything I’ve came up with an idea of keeping her in school at least for now to reduce the amount of change. My office has got a meeting point next to her school that I could use for my WFH days, although it’s a bit further down for us to drive to but at least I don’t have to make any huge changes for now.

What a bloody horribly ignorant comment about dementia!!!!
sorry op - to butt in - but thats a horribly ignorant and ableist comment,

imo - option 2.
what a lovely gift to give your child to have two more amazing people to help raise her!

Benefits (potentially for the long term) vs living with family and saving is a no-brainer.

The fact that you are even considering a life on benefits (or certainly for some time) because you don't want to your child to move schools or have the discomfort of living with other relatives is whack.