I choose to 'co-parent' when it suits me...apparently.

[ISpendTooMuchTimeOnMN]

This is long - sorry!

Split up with ex not too long ago and we share a 10 year old DD.

He kept accusing me of just wanting his money (eye roll), so after speaking to DD who was happy to do 50/50, I don't get any maintenance but he pays half the fees of her hobby. I also do childcare in the school holidays and when he occasionally has to work away, so it's not exactly 50/50.

This hobby is competitive and includes a fair bit of travel on occasion. We had one recently which he had already agreed to drive us to (I don't drive and no, it's not because I can't be bothered learning!)

He told me while there that he would not be doing any more travel to these events because it's not his fault I can't drive and he doesn't want to go to them as he's not interested in the hobby. The problem he has is clearly with me, but he wouldn't be able to take her himself even if he was interested because there is prep work he can't do, and to be quite honest DD would much rather it was me.

DD stayed with me last night because we were late back from an event, and we will have another next weekend. I have TOLD HIM the dates of all these from the start of the season, but we were together then so he has obviously not bothered to remember. I politely reminded him she would be staying here the night before as we have to leave at 5.30am.

He said 'yeah another Saturday, will be the same the next week, you only co-parent when it suits you like you always do'.

I told him he was welcome to drop her off to me at 4.30am if he wanted and he replied he wasn't getting into it as if I was trying to start an argument! It's his Saturday but I can't exactly tell her and her team she can't go when it's been booked for months, is compulsory, and he has already been told numerous times about it. If he was still here these things would still be happening as they always have - nothing has changed except he is living somewhere else.

I actually don't think IABU, but this is just an example of how things go and he is so convinced I am wrong and trying to take his time off him. He could have the Sunday instead, no problem, He didn't ask and I wouldn't even have had time to say as it was straight away 'you choosing as always'.

I'm mostly venting, but happy to hear alternative thoughts because at the moment I feel like I'm going crazy and I have 8 more years of this.

This situation with the hobby does not sound sustainable. Time for a rethink. You are not doing you or your child any favours. Best of luck 🍀 🤞

In what way? She has been doing it since she was 3 and loves it.

His choice not to be involved with the hobby, if he did he would be spending time with his daughter. As he is not then you will be

He’s being unreasonable he’s a parent and this is what you do as a parent. Sadly, there isn’t anything you can do to force him to do it.

I think it comes down to the fact that currently you NEED his cooperation to attend these events.

It sounds as if he no longer wishes to cooperate. Not sure there is anything you can do.

Rightly or wrongly you need a plan B.

He doesn’t want to drive anymore, so how is she going to keep doing it? Unless you can permanently get a lift with someone else in her club?

It might make him a selfish dad, but this is what happens in a lot of households, divorced or not. Kids have to stop hobbies because they no longer fit in with the lifestyle of the family.

Even if he did want to drive, he should only really be doing it in his days. That will get even more important as you both move on in life with new relationships and jobs set around your own days. You can't expect him to be available on your days to do this driving.

That might be but ypu are separated life will be different now you couldn't drive then you cant now life is not the same

I've possibly not been clear as I am frustrated and fed up, but I do not expect him to take her himself and I don't expect him to take me and her as he clearly does not want to do me any 'favours'.

I have alternative travel plans for future, it was just too late in the day to change the last one he drove us to, and he initially said he was happy to do it even though I had booked overnight accomodation in case we had to get the train. So I cancelled the accomodation and without being driven we wouldn't;t have made it in time.

Sorry, yes, I've updated because I realised I wasn't clear.

I don't need him to do anything to do with the hobby now I've had time to plan, last event he had agreed to do was too late to change.

His issue is he's not getting his overnight the night before, but also not willing to attend.

You're going to have to find another way to get her to the hobby events. Are they out in the country or in cities or towns? Train or asking if you can pay towards fuel and car costs of another parent who is driving.

Edit: now read your latest. You'll have to go to mediation or similar I would guess.

He's got a point, if you've agreed 50/50 and you're just telling him your daughter won't be coming on "his" day. There were different ways to word it, and it sounds like you've just decided what will happen.

For instance, you could have messaged him: "DD has a competition next Saturday, I understand you said you didn't want to go to hobby, but she doesn't want to drop out, how do you want to work this out?". Anything that shows cooperation really...

And if you talk to him with the level of sarcasm you put down here, these things will keep happening.

I support OP trying to keep her daughter's hobby going despite the separation. I had to give up everything I did at weekends because my dad left my mum and made it clear me having hobbies was a huge inconvenience to him. I'm still a bit resentful of him for it, to be honest.

No advice but I applaud your care and good intentions OP.

Hi, i wish I could edit my OP!

What I meant was he doesn't want to drive or go to these events, but is also complaining I'm choosing when to co parent because she'll need to stay with me so I can take her.

It is his day the event is on, but he's unwilling to go, can't get her ready, and had already known the dates.

I do all school holidays over his time so he doesn't need to pay childcare, so I don't think changing a night so our DD can still do a hobby she loves is that difficult to get his head around.

Sorry, I'm absolutely fuming at his selfishness.

I agree that you needed a vent

The clear solution is to only communicate via text and not get drawn into any arguments. Insist on the correct split or offer to go to court

Ooh this is a tough one. Basically, your DC has a hobby they love, it requires regular trips away, some of those trips fall on Exs days, but he has said he won't take DC to hobby because it doesn't interest him, but complains if you taking DC interupts his days.
In summary, he is a dick. You could spell it out to him with a few options:
A) Ex takes DC to hobby on his days and sucks it up
B) Ex lets you take DC to hobby on his days and gets an extra day another time
C) DC doesn't go to hobby on Ex's days and fall behind in her competitions

If he chooses C he is a monumental dickhead but sadly theres nothing you can do about that.

Other than back to bc court as it clearly isnt 50/50.

It’s not about what he wants or gets. It’s about what’s best for the child.

Thank you and I'm so sorry you went through that. She has been doing it for 7 years and attends 3 days a week, the events aren't as often but she must go to stay in. She would be devastated to not be allowed to go.

Since we separated I have planned back ups, it was just the last one.

My issue is he is saying I'm being difficult when he has known about this since AUGUST, I have her on 'his' nights when he has meetings away and during school holidays, and now he's being arsey because she will need to stay with me for one night even though if she didn't; he wouldn't take her.

I agree with this. It might be court needed, and to make the case for what is best for her and getting it in writing that he will support her extracurricular activities on his days. Its so unfair for your daughter to suffer because 'he's not interested in the hobby'. I'm not particularly interested watching my DC create a dance to a K Pop song but they will never know that! As far as they are concerned I am deeply fascinated and enthralled!

I have tried to use a parenting app before so there was no hostility and everything could be put into a calendar, but he said it doesn't suit him and he didn't think it would be helpful.

He went through court for years with his ex and treated her better than he treats me, even though she really was difficult and tell lies to stop him seeing DC (I do know this as fact because she tried to lie about me too). Why the heck am I the one always getting the grief when I've tried my best to co-operate!

The only person I care about is my DD whether I like him or not. I am absolutely not obstructive in any way, but he's making me feel like I am being when it couldn't be further from the truth. I had warring parents and I would never do that to my child, it's so damaging.

Completely understand girl - some people dislike kind people, which it sounds like you have been - set boundaries and watch him suddenly stop being a dick, imo x

Thank you. Fortunately this is not court ordered so I wouldn't be sending her just because he's gotten angry over it.

If it was court ordered, I'd have already asked for her long term hobby to be included because it absolutely is in her best interests to continue, and I just wouldn't expect him to take her.

I'm just so tired of all this, and this has really got to me because he knows how important this is to her. He is honestly just trying to get to me because he knows it'll upset me.

The only thing I would do differently is present it to him as a choice, something like "DD has her competition on X day, will you be taking her or should I keep her that day?". Even if you know he's not going to choose to be the one taking her, it avoids seeming to dictate.

Ime a judge would regard a dc's relationship with the nrp more important than a hobby. Exh produced a load of ds's hobby trophies trying to ensure ds was too booked up to be with me. Judge wasn't interested.. With that in mind organising dd's hobby in your time is fine. In her df's it isn't. So if he doesn't want to take her you and dd will have to suck it up.

I didn't say 'his' day to him, I reminded him she would be staying with me the Saturday night as I assumed (correctly) he hadn't remembered. I said it like that here because I actually don't feel comfortable saying 'my' days and 'his' days because it feels strange talking about my child like that.

On 'his' days I may have our DD with me because he's away on business or it's school holidays so he would need to pay childcare (away on business he wouldn't be able to as it's overnight). If I can do it, why wouldn't I? I love my DD and want things to go smoothly. So I don't know why he's not happy to extend the same courtesy when I'm doing something for our daughter that he isn't willing to do. It's not as if I'm telling him to work round me on time with her.

Where is the sarcasm please because I do not feel in the mood to be sarcastic, nor do I feel I have been.

I am just fed up doing everything child centered and been constantly met with opposition.