I choose to 'co-parent' when it suits me...apparently.

[ISpendTooMuchTimeOnMN]

This is long - sorry!

Split up with ex not too long ago and we share a 10 year old DD.

He kept accusing me of just wanting his money (eye roll), so after speaking to DD who was happy to do 50/50, I don't get any maintenance but he pays half the fees of her hobby. I also do childcare in the school holidays and when he occasionally has to work away, so it's not exactly 50/50.

This hobby is competitive and includes a fair bit of travel on occasion. We had one recently which he had already agreed to drive us to (I don't drive and no, it's not because I can't be bothered learning!)

He told me while there that he would not be doing any more travel to these events because it's not his fault I can't drive and he doesn't want to go to them as he's not interested in the hobby. The problem he has is clearly with me, but he wouldn't be able to take her himself even if he was interested because there is prep work he can't do, and to be quite honest DD would much rather it was me.

DD stayed with me last night because we were late back from an event, and we will have another next weekend. I have TOLD HIM the dates of all these from the start of the season, but we were together then so he has obviously not bothered to remember. I politely reminded him she would be staying here the night before as we have to leave at 5.30am.

He said 'yeah another Saturday, will be the same the next week, you only co-parent when it suits you like you always do'.

I told him he was welcome to drop her off to me at 4.30am if he wanted and he replied he wasn't getting into it as if I was trying to start an argument! It's his Saturday but I can't exactly tell her and her team she can't go when it's been booked for months, is compulsory, and he has already been told numerous times about it. If he was still here these things would still be happening as they always have - nothing has changed except he is living somewhere else.

I actually don't think IABU, but this is just an example of how things go and he is so convinced I am wrong and trying to take his time off him. He could have the Sunday instead, no problem, He didn't ask and I wouldn't even have had time to say as it was straight away 'you choosing as always'.

I'm mostly venting, but happy to hear alternative thoughts because at the moment I feel like I'm going crazy and I have 8 more years of this.

Ha to the kpop! My DD loves this too.

I agree, my son played football for years which I'm not interested in separately, but HE was interested in it, so I stood in the rain most weekends to watch him. Spent a fortune on taxi's to get him there if I couldn't share with another parent.

She is happy for him to go to competitions but only if I'm there too because I know what I'm doing and she knows he doesn't enjoy it so he couldn't take her himself anyway (he can for classes though) it's more he's making out I'm being difficult over things I'm only doing for her benefit. Let me assure you, it's not my preference to get up at 4.30am on the weekend lol!

I understand your frustration but once you’re separated you just have to suck up the fact that your child misses out on loads of stuff because they’re with the other parent….unless you’ve got a co-parent that isn’t a selfish dick; and there doesn’t appear to be many of those.

This is a problem with too many parents. The relationship breaks down and the hatred for each other dwarfs the love you claim to have for your child. If you can’t suffer occasional inconvenience and annoyance to benefit your child’s wellbeing then you’re not the parent you claim to be. That parent who claims they’d do anything for their child. Bollocks!

Keep detailed notes, email or text him all plans even if he doesn't reply, you have a record.
He's an arse and it may go to court if he continues to be an arse.
Well done in trying to keep up what she enjoys.
Perhaps if he sees you keeping note of everything he will buck up as the penny may drop that you may take it to court.

dd will have to suck it up So you refused to take your own DC on your days even though you knew it was important to them?

Well of course they should have a relationship with you, but would they want to long term if you didn't care about what they cared about? I don't NEED him to take me, it was just that time I couldn't rearrange plans at short notice and I assumed parents cared about their children, including NRPs.

She'll have overnights with him on the Thursday and Friday night, just not the Saturday. He could easily have the Sunday night instead but he just went off on one.

I'm very flexible as you can see by me having our DD with me when it should be his overnights, because it suits him for work and saves him money on childcare.

Her practise sessions are on my days, it's just competitions that aren't and he agreed to them in August. Doesn't need to take us and he wasn't going to all anyway because some we had arranged as a group to go together.

Our situations are completely different, other than you also don't support your DC interests.

So he doesn’t want to facilitate the hobby because he isn’t interested in it (great parenting there) but he also doesn’t want you taking her on his time? His solution therefore would be for dd to miss out on her hobby. Has he asked her how she feels about that?

Sounds like he’s just wanting a row. Give him as little response and as little headspace as possible. Is there any way you could get a more formal agreement so that you don’t have to communicate with him at all? That could backfire on your dd I suppose if she ends up missing out on her hobby.

Terrible attitude. She shouldn’t have to suck it up just because she’s got one selfish, spiteful parent who isn’t willing to see past his hatred of the parent who is willing to facilitate it.
My dc does a hobby that takes up a lot of our time and involves travel. Do I always want to drag myself out of bed and drive an hour or more on a Saturday morning? No. But I do it for my dc because that’s what good parenting is.

Thank you. This is what I needed to hear. I've been stewing about it and I know I need to remain calm. I know this is to get a rise out of me.

He hasn't asked her because she knows what she'll say. I think he's just trying to bully me into not allowing it, or to stress me out, or I don't really know.

He's been to court for his other DC, so I'd imagine he knows he's being unreasonable and they will take a dim view on it. He lives 5 miles away, it doesn't have a massive impact on anything and I'm willing just to change to another day if he/she wants to.

Sorry, I know there are other things I could moan about, I just cannot understand putting your ill feelings towards your ex in front of your child's happiness. I feel like all I'm doing is trying to make things easy, being adaptable to change (because life happens, sometimes things come up) and I keep getting shit.

I could honestly cry thinking this is my life for the next 8 years.

Thank you!!

I do the international trips myself. The other ones are 1-2 hours tops and he drives more than that for work stuff once or twice a week, so it's not long drives that are the issue here.

Put in a claim with the child maintenance service tomorrow morning he is clearly not doing 50-50 and therefore he needs to pay his child support

I would just keep his phrase ready. Then every time he asked me to do (free) holiday childcare or do an overnight when he's away on business I would bring it out. 'Oh, look at me co-parenting whether or not it suits me!' Let him be reminded of all the things you do for him if he can't get his head around the fact that you are doing this for your DD.

It won’t be your life for the next eight years. Once the child turns 12 they vote with their feet and believe me they do vote with their feet as to who they spend time with.

Oh just ignore his comments, he is trying to get a rise out of you.

You know full well he has brought the entire situation on himself, so don't feel guilty about it for a moment.

Keep taking DD to her hobby especially if her dad refuses.

Does your DD have to compete so much?
Out of interest, what’s her hobby?

By ignore, I mean literally do not answer. Only answer direct information about arrangements for DD, reply as though the other text was not even in his message. If you find steam coming out of your ears and an angry response forming, put the phone physically face down before you hit send, walk into another room, take three deep breaths (this resets your nervous system, apparently) or punch a pillow or listen to a Pink song or whatever helps you, then either reply to the organisational parts or just close the messaging app, look at it later on. If a message contains no direct question about arrangements for DD, it doesn't need a reply at all.

If he doesn't get a response he will stop sending the shitty messages. (Eventually).

I've thought about this. But I prefer the extra time with her of course and I know how I sound here, but I don't think I can cope with any more hostility. Nothing I do or say ever seems to be right.

I can't tell how bad it was with his ex and the lies she told. I do know a lot were lies for certain, but I also have never thought that he was an angel when with her so there will have been some anger there. Not that it excuses what she said and did re. the DC.

That's what I do not understand. He was civil to her to ensure he saw DC. But with me, he is so nasty even though I'm not trying to cause problems - and I supported him all through court! I still speak to his DC now (they are teens). If he spoke to her the way he speaks to me, he wouldn't have been allowed to see them at all during the court process.

Well because you can’t get there unless he takes you and he doesn’t want to.

That's not true. OP is fine taking her, he's just pissed because he loses one of his days with her, but doesn't ask for a replacement day, and his only reason for not doing it is because the hobby doesn't interest him.

IMO this (tit for tat) is the wrong response. Don't sink to his level - it will just draw him in and validate that he is fair in goading you.

Unfortunately he was probably civil to the ex because as you say, he had no choice. He knows he doesn't need to be civil to you, so he is not being. Showing his true colours. Which means you probably could force him to be civil by being nasty yourself, but I wouldn't sink to her level either. Keep your dignity, and don't get involved in any games.

If he keeps sending shitty messages expecting a response I would send one one time saying something like "I do not want to talk about this, please don't contact me again unless it's to discuss arrangements for DD, if you are unhappy with current arrangements please make an appointment for mediation." If he continues then tell him that his messages are harrassment and you will make a complaint to the police. Then follow it up (but I bet he will stop at that point, if the ignoring and then clear first message don't work).

If it was football I'm sure he'd have no problem going and taking her himself! But I'd still want to go too because it's my child, and did. Anything DC care about I care about too.

But it is dance, which I think might change some responses. Season doesn't start for them until Jan and finishes in June. They don't compete every weekend but she's in a team and cannot miss, nor does she want to. They have qualified to compete internationally in the summer which I am taking her to by myself (which was always the plan).

She also has always done solos, but we have drastically reduced them since the separation. She has done 2 since August and I'm not planning on any more, not even finals that she has qualified for, so I feel we have already compromised.

The opportunity to compete internationally this year at her age is something that I refuse to let her miss out on. She is sooo excited. Being part of the team means she needs to do the UK ones too, of course. They are compulsory and we are given competition dates in the August if they are successful at tryouts in June before we commit. We committed and he knew this, he knew before even tryouts what the deal was because we've been doing it for years.

thats WHY he is being a dick, because he knows that you wont kick off back at him.

His ex said "Carry on being a twat and I will do my best to make sure you dont see the kids" and he was frightened of that. But you are easy to bully, so he does.

Maybe take a leaf out of her book. I am not saying that you should threaten him with not seeing DD but by holding fast. "If you carry on like this then you can forget me having DD on your days when you have a trip, you can forget any favours. I will go by our arrangement and only that. And you can be the one to explain to DD why she is getting kicked out of her hobby group because you refuse to take her to her competitions".

He will kick off, bullies always do, but if you hold the line he has already shown that he will back down.

It sounds like you're being flexible and he just wants to be difficult which is frustrating. I know it's down to him to be willing, but is it possible to plan which days she stays where when you have the dance calendar, so that you get equal time? Rather than it being fixed and him feeling like he's missing out on time?Sounds like he's being quite selfish, although not many Dads are that involved in the dance world and they do seem to feel quite out of place but he should still make sure she can do her hobby.

You are so right, I know you are.

I don't mind him not going to all the competitions, he never has and the ones he has done, he comes and goes at his leisure because it's sometimes a long day and not all the Dad's attend or stay all day. Some do and are just as invested but not all. DD was upset because he never came and she saw other Dad's attending at least some. He would pop in when it was time for her to dance on the rare occasion he hung around, which she was happy with.

It's just that he previously had agreed to drive as obviously it takes far longer on public transport, and while he can come and go, DD is there all day. So public transport on top of that is a lot for her and he told me to cancel overnight accomodation I'd booked as I accounted for possibly having to get the train.

But because it helps ME (by helping her) he is now refusing ever to go which I think is spiteful, but I will absolutely manage to sort this out myself. It'll cost more for hotels, but I'll do it no problem. I also have a lovely friend who will take us with her DD when she can and I'll pay the petrol money.

I know this has turned into all about driving and I didn't mean it to, it's because I do every single other thing for this. Not just competitions for the limited time we have them each year, but the summer and Christmas shows, exams, pay for all the extras like hotels, costumes, make up, accessories, spectator passes (he does pay for half of the normal classes) so if once or twice a year he needs to drive less than he does for work - why would he not do it!

He has always been happy for me to do of all this, but now we're separated he's acting like I'm trying to steal his time - this is what she has always done! She also likes to know he cares by occasionally going. He doesn't go to the Christmas show, but goes to the summer one as a compromise. He did not want to come with us overseas because he thought it was a waste of money even though most of the other dancers are going as a family as it's a big deal for the kids. I know my DD would be heartbroken if I had that attitude, but fortunately he had refused to come even before we separated so she's not bothered about it now.

I am so sorry to everyone for my relentless waffling. I started this threat just because I was annoyed he's giving me crap for a missed overnight when he's not willing to be a part of any of the above. Really this is just one thing I'm dealing with him, and I think it's just the straw that broke the camels back.

I wonder how many lies his ex actually told versus what he told you were lies.

Some people see kindness and cooperation as weakness and he clearly is one of them. So, as I said, maybe channel your inner "bitch ex" and start being a bit less kind.

Even something as small as replying to his "co-parenting when it suits you" message with "And yet you are happy for me to take up the slack when you have a work trip. Would you prefer me not to do that?".

Absolutely I can do that, I tell him well in advance but he forgets then I get all this. It's been the same when she has a sleepover for a friends birthday, he gets annoyed at me then too. I can't choose when her friends have their birthdays, she's not with me either and I buy the present! H never gets annoyed at her or mentions it to her, he just keeps relentlessly going on at me with texts or digs in person when she's out of earshot.

I feel dread running up to when I have to see him or when I get a message because I don't know what's going to be said. I want to just tell him to piss off if he can't speak to me civilly, but he would then just say I'm stopping him seeing her and not change because he knows I'll fold.

Without telling her what's going on, which I obviously don't want to do, I don't know how to navigate this. I feel completely trapped. I'm trying to protect her from all this parental arguing and he knows it. If I do anything he'll say I'm just like his ex and it'll be my DD left confused.