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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I choose to 'co-parent' when it suits me...apparently.

60 replies

ISpendTooMuchTimeOnMN · 01/03/2026 21:10

This is long - sorry!

Split up with ex not too long ago and we share a 10 year old DD.

He kept accusing me of just wanting his money (eye roll), so after speaking to DD who was happy to do 50/50, I don't get any maintenance but he pays half the fees of her hobby. I also do childcare in the school holidays and when he occasionally has to work away, so it's not exactly 50/50.

This hobby is competitive and includes a fair bit of travel on occasion. We had one recently which he had already agreed to drive us to (I don't drive and no, it's not because I can't be bothered learning!)

He told me while there that he would not be doing any more travel to these events because it's not his fault I can't drive and he doesn't want to go to them as he's not interested in the hobby. The problem he has is clearly with me, but he wouldn't be able to take her himself even if he was interested because there is prep work he can't do, and to be quite honest DD would much rather it was me.

DD stayed with me last night because we were late back from an event, and we will have another next weekend. I have TOLD HIM the dates of all these from the start of the season, but we were together then so he has obviously not bothered to remember. I politely reminded him she would be staying here the night before as we have to leave at 5.30am.

He said 'yeah another Saturday, will be the same the next week, you only co-parent when it suits you like you always do'.

I told him he was welcome to drop her off to me at 4.30am if he wanted and he replied he wasn't getting into it as if I was trying to start an argument! It's his Saturday but I can't exactly tell her and her team she can't go when it's been booked for months, is compulsory, and he has already been told numerous times about it. If he was still here these things would still be happening as they always have - nothing has changed except he is living somewhere else.

I actually don't think IABU, but this is just an example of how things go and he is so convinced I am wrong and trying to take his time off him. He could have the Sunday instead, no problem, He didn't ask and I wouldn't even have had time to say as it was straight away 'you choosing as always'.

I'm mostly venting, but happy to hear alternative thoughts because at the moment I feel like I'm going crazy and I have 8 more years of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
ISpendTooMuchTimeOnMN · 02/03/2026 01:21

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/03/2026 00:52

I wonder how many lies his ex actually told versus what he told you were lies.

Some people see kindness and cooperation as weakness and he clearly is one of them. So, as I said, maybe channel your inner "bitch ex" and start being a bit less kind.

Even something as small as replying to his "co-parenting when it suits you" message with "And yet you are happy for me to take up the slack when you have a work trip. Would you prefer me not to do that?".

Show quote history

I know, you're right. I am going to try that. Don't think it'll make much of a difference because when I've ever said anything he'll usually just laugh at me or telling me I'm manipulative.

I do know the ex definitely told some awful, awful lies. I have proof of that, not just what he's told me. She also used to tell the court we didn't live together so he had nowhere to take DC overnight despite us living together and having proof of shared council tax, unfortunately they didn't look at any evidence because it wasn't a proof hearing so it was all he says/she says at point. She doesn't have a good relationship with her sons now because of the lies she's told. But he also wasn't particularly a nice person to her at times either when they were together. We used to have them 2-3 overnights a week until we had DD which I think was the catalyst.

OP posts:
Original poster
ISpendTooMuchTimeOnMN · 02/03/2026 01:27

Myfridgeiscool · 01/03/2026 22:15

I understand your frustration but once you’re separated you just have to suck up the fact that your child misses out on loads of stuff because they’re with the other parent….unless you’ve got a co-parent that isn’t a selfish dick; and there doesn’t appear to be many of those.

Fortunately there's no court order so I won't be making my DD miss out or suck up anything. By the time he would get us to a proper hearing she will be old enough to give her opinion that they will take seriously. Even now they would listen to her to an extent.

He doesn't have to miss seeing her on these days, he just doesn't want to go, so they wouldn't side with him as it's about her best interests and not what he can be bothered doing. He lives 10 mins drive away. She would never forgive him if he didn't allow her to do this, he's just trying to make my life a misery.

OP posts:
Original poster
ISpendTooMuchTimeOnMN · 02/03/2026 01:40

@Eenameenadeeka also to this

Sounds like he's being quite selfish, although not many Dads are that involved in the dance world

I totally understand this, I hope I managed to explain properly up thread. We have some Dad's who go to everything, and some Dad's that go to the odd one. He's never had to go to everything or even drive us to everything, it is genuinely less than a handful of times a year when it's really bad for public transport that he was needed for driving. He doesn't have to stay for the full comp and never has, he goes off and does his own thing and only comes in to watch her. Totally fine as long as she sees he is coming to some because it really upset her before that he wasn't even bothering to come to local showcases that last an hour. Prearranged plans when we were together and now refusing is bad enough, but to then give me all this shit because it's 'his' day is too far. He doesn't want to go and he doesn't want to miss seeing her. Makes zero sense to me, but this is our life now!

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99bottlesofkombucha · 02/03/2026 01:45

Absolutely you need to hit back .
’ I thought we had a mutual agreement to put dds needs first but I understand you don’t see it that way. What arrangements are you planning re your next work trip? You are also welcome to make time up in the holidays too if you can get the leave, if you feel you are missing out on quality time with Dd. You’ll have to confirm holiday dates by x if you want to change them so I can book something.’

im going harder on the away with work bit as there’s no easy overnight childcare and he needs you and he knows it. Holidays I’ve offered more as long as he’s home, because he won’t take it. What a dick, I’m sorry you have to put up with him.

Francestein · 02/03/2026 04:01

Time to tell him to start planning childcare for half the holidays then…

CombatBarbie · 02/03/2026 04:10

90sTrifle · 01/03/2026 23:07

Does your DD have to compete so much?
Out of interest, what’s her hobby?

Show quote history

Im going to hedge a bet with cheerleading or street dance

Eenameenadeeka · 02/03/2026 04:18

ISpendTooMuchTimeOnMN · 02/03/2026 01:40

@Eenameenadeeka also to this

Sounds like he's being quite selfish, although not many Dads are that involved in the dance world

I totally understand this, I hope I managed to explain properly up thread. We have some Dad's who go to everything, and some Dad's that go to the odd one. He's never had to go to everything or even drive us to everything, it is genuinely less than a handful of times a year when it's really bad for public transport that he was needed for driving. He doesn't have to stay for the full comp and never has, he goes off and does his own thing and only comes in to watch her. Totally fine as long as she sees he is coming to some because it really upset her before that he wasn't even bothering to come to local showcases that last an hour. Prearranged plans when we were together and now refusing is bad enough, but to then give me all this shit because it's 'his' day is too far. He doesn't want to go and he doesn't want to miss seeing her. Makes zero sense to me, but this is our life now!

I hear you. You sound like you are doing an amazing job at putting her first, and you can only control you. I do kind of get dads feeling a bit awkward, but you never see Mums who just don't learn about their child's hobby because it doesn't interest them. Keep putting her first, and try not to let him get to you. She will see, in time, who supported her.

Original poster
ISpendTooMuchTimeOnMN · 02/03/2026 08:51

Eenameenadeeka · 02/03/2026 04:18

I hear you. You sound like you are doing an amazing job at putting her first, and you can only control you. I do kind of get dads feeling a bit awkward, but you never see Mums who just don't learn about their child's hobby because it doesn't interest them. Keep putting her first, and try not to let him get to you. She will see, in time, who supported her.

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Thank you so much. Not awkward really, just not his thing. A few go semi regularly and 2 go to every single one. Just don't not go then complain you won't see her!

I feel much better this morning. He wants to talk on Friday, although I'm not sure exactly what he's specifically wanting to talk about. Would I be ridiculous to suggest a cafe instead of one of our houses? Thinking it'll need to be calmer that way, but equally don't want people overhearing.

OP posts:
ManukaMoneyMaker · 02/03/2026 09:10

ISpendTooMuchTimeOnMN · 02/03/2026 08:51

Thank you so much. Not awkward really, just not his thing. A few go semi regularly and 2 go to every single one. Just don't not go then complain you won't see her!

I feel much better this morning. He wants to talk on Friday, although I'm not sure exactly what he's specifically wanting to talk about. Would I be ridiculous to suggest a cafe instead of one of our houses? Thinking it'll need to be calmer that way, but equally don't want people overhearing.

Show quote history

Cafe a good idea, if you're only talking about the hobby, keeps his unreasonanle behaviour in check. But if you think it might be a wider conversation about custody arrangements that could be a little more uncomfortable in public

Original poster
ISpendTooMuchTimeOnMN · 02/03/2026 09:37

ManukaMoneyMaker · 02/03/2026 09:10

Cafe a good idea, if you're only talking about the hobby, keeps his unreasonanle behaviour in check. But if you think it might be a wider conversation about custody arrangements that could be a little more uncomfortable in public

Show quote history

Yes that's what I'm thinking. He just said 'we'll discuss on Friday' when I asked, so who knows!

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