Page 8 | To think in the past people had more stoicism and resilience and it’s a shame we’ve sort of lost that?

Carrotted · 2026-03-01T12:18:57+00:00

Towards the end of the battle of Waterloo, the Marquess of Uxbridge, a British general, had part of his leg blown off by a French cannonball. He was sitting atop his horse next to the Duke of Wellington, to whom he turned and said “By God, sir, I think I’ve lost my leg”, to which the Duke of Wellington replied “By God, sir, so you have”. He then went to the field hospital where the remaining leg was amputated without anaesthetic, while he joked with the surgeons. Thats one individual and the story is probably elaborated for effect, but AIBU to think people in previous generations tended to be more stoic in the face of adversity. To have a “get on with it” attitude? There are obvious downsides to that attitude, but it can have lots of benefits to have that approach to life. AIBU?

godmum56 · 01/03/2026 16:06

GaIadriel · 01/03/2026 15:49

The British are outstanding soldiers though. Possibly the best in the world.

Despite the US having vastly more military power they're generally not even close lb for lb. Part of this is apparently because they specialise a lot more whilst our engineers, for example, will still be infantry trained and be expected to defend themselves as well as do their task.

We dominate the Sandhurst Military Skills competition with 15 wins to the US's two in the same time period, and in the Green Dagger desert exercise designed to trial new siege techniques we forced the US Marines to surrender and request a reset less than halfway through the five day exercise despite being outnumbered. Not bad when you consider the defending side is usually at an advantage.

Despite some countries seeing us as tea sipping gentiles we really do get shit done when we need to.

Edited

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did you mean to say "gentiles"

godmum56 · 01/03/2026 16:07

Blueyrocks · 01/03/2026 15:18

Some people definitely lack resilience in some contexts. Most people probably aren't resilient across the board. @Carrotted could you give an example of what you'd consider resilience? Something you've survived in a way you'd consider resilient? Or maybe you're not of a "previous generation" and perceive yourself to be lacking resilience?

My DF survived a horrendously violent childhood and joked about it. But would be reduced to frothing, helpless rage by a slow driver on the motorway.

My DB also survived a violent childhood and never says a word about it. No complaints, no diagnoses, just "gets on with it". Very resilient. But he does tend to expect other men to have the same response to violence. In fact, he thinks being hurt or affected by it is a sign of weakness and would agree with you @Carrotted . Not with the implied generational difference - he sees plenty of emasculated snowflakes across all generations - but with the implication that "getting on with it" is better.

I wonder, @Carrotted whether you think getting on with it, when "it" is abuse, is still preferable? If not, what's the threshold after which hardship has caused suffering?

I also wonder what evidence you have for the suggestion that previous generations "got on with it" more? And what generation you are of? Do you see yourself as more resilient than someone specific who is younger than you, who you believe has had an easier life? Or have you not coped with something in a way you're proud of?

And I wonder, too, what you mean by "getting on with it". My view is that both DF was and DB is in fact carrying their abuse into the present in harmful ways. (DF dead now, as a result). They didn't acknowledge harm done, and as a result the harm continued.

So, I suppose, I'm maybe saying that you're being quite hard on yourself, OP. I'm sure you're coping really well, and sometimes the more explicit, direct coping behaviours are actually the bravest and most effective.

I don't see this as being resilient, more a result of the damage he suffered.

Aphroditesangel · 01/03/2026 16:07

I agree. Resilience/ stoicism seems to be in short supply these days within westernised countries.
For example, people seem so easily offended and take pride in their sensitivity and parade it like a badge of honour (and write about it on Mumsnet).

There is a balance but it does seem that the pendulum has swung as far as it can from your battle story op.

Thechaseison71 · 01/03/2026 16:08

MrFluffyDogIsMyBestFriend · 01/03/2026 13:46

Not at the time but you can't deny that many have made hundreds of thousands of pounds from property price increases.

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How does it benefit them though? My mum was a boomer. Yeah her house went up from 20k when she bought it to 200k when she died.

But I don't see how she benefited from it really

Blinkingbother · 01/03/2026 16:12

I used to have ooodles of resilience but I seem to have used it all up and am currently really struggling with anxiety about everything from teeny things up... In fact, I wish I’d had less resilience - maybe then I would have reported and sought help for things such as the assault I suffered while pregnant rather than tell myself to get over it…. If I’d sought help then I reckon I would have been in a better place now!!

Lifeomars · 01/03/2026 16:12

ThreeTescoBags · 01/03/2026 13:11

Thats fine, but the bloke never had to try and log into a website, with a password he knows is correct, to be told he's done it wrong and will be locked out, to then try and reset it to the password he thought it was but was told it was wrong, to then be told he can't use that password because he's already used it. All whilst standing at the counter of the shop of the website he's trying to log into because the thing he wants is only available to order online?

I'd like to see the fucker be stoic then

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😂And I'd like to see him buy some scissors to replace his broken scissors take them home and realise that the only way to open the thick plastic packaging is with a pair of scissors. It would break his soul!

Thechaseison71 · 01/03/2026 16:14

TheChirpyReader · 01/03/2026 15:28

I read a book recently about the Victorian era which said exactly that and apparently Charles Darwin and many members of his family suffered from 'nervous complaints' when they'd take to their beds to avoid obligations or social interactions they didn't want to engage in.

With lots of peers at the time thinking it was all rubbish and avoidance with modern viewers wondering if they had auto-immune disorders or whatever.

With another theory being that middle-and upper-class women and to a lesser extent men, just couldn't be arsed with all the expectations placed on them to correspond with numerous family and friends, host daily visits from the same and host dinners just because it was socially expected.

I know now a lot of people would think it was privileged nonsense but the amount of expectations placed on middle and upper class women in those times were insane. Even just the constant outfit changes through the day which were laborious and time-consuming and attending all the meal times, hosting visitors through the day even if the standard was 15 minutes per visit and planning and hosting dinners and parties.

It was relentless, they never could just 'be' or relax.

And I know people will say boohoo at least they weren't worrying about feeding their DC but still, you can see how it would create anxiety and low mood.

And coming from a working class English/Irish family my Irish Nan frequently took to her bed when expectations were high. I don't think there was a Christmas in the 80s or 90s when she was alive when she didn't go to bed on Xmas day with a headache and leave all the cooking and cleaning up to her 5 daughters. After they had spent weeks putting up her tree, shopping, decorating, wrapping her presents etc.

Emerging in a lovely outfit around tea-time to put out some cheese and pineapple already prepared by her daughters and have a few drinks and a sing-song :)

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Your nan sounds a clever woman. Good way to ensure that others took a turn at doing stuff

The women you read about in books " fainting away" or needing smelling smalts are never working class women who've spent 12 hours on their feet at work on the factory though then come home to house stuff strangely. They were always the pampered middle and upper classes

BigAnne · 01/03/2026 16:15

Dappy777 · 01/03/2026 15:40

You assume that life today is softer and easier and better. I don’t think that’s true at all. OK, our houses are warmer and we don’t have outside loos, but in other ways life is much harder.

For a start there are too many people. In 1900 there were a billion human beings. By 1960 that had trebled to three billion. It’s now eight billion and we’re heading for ten. That means more noise and more stress. It also means less time and space. The traffic is hell, and every other car seems to have a modified exhaust that backfires. Plus we live in rabbit hutch houses with hundreds of other rabbit hutches jammed on top of us. We didn’t evolve to live like this. By the end of the week, most people’s nerves are shattered. And when a tragedy hits, we haven’t the time or space to recover. In 1910, if your mum died, you could walk in the woods and cry and be alone with nature. Now, those woods have probably been replaced by houses and roads. Then there is 24 hour (bad) news, venomous social media, awful processed food, polluted water and air, etc.

Life in the past may have been physically harder, but it was calmer and quieter. Things moved at a slower pace. You had room to move and breathe. And you weren’t surrounded by ugly houses and buildings. My grandparents were born in 1920, and looking back they seemed to speak in a much calmer, softer and more refined way than people do now. In comparison, people today seem so loud and aggressive and vulgar. If you brought someone back here from, say, 1900, they’d have a nervous breakdown within a week.

I was born in the 50's. Four of us in one room with an outside toilet shared with 2 other families. Regular smog. People were definitely not quiter.

Nannyfannybanny · 01/03/2026 16:19

Kidsarekarma, you are correct. How was life calmer and quieter..my late Dgm born in 1900 left school at 12, in service, then when she married fruit picking. DM born 1923, yes, in the blitz,worked all her life.. cleaning when I was little, then ft days, plus an evening job till gone midnight in a local pub kitchen to buy a house. I got married in 1970, no fridge, washing machine. 3 rooms rented in London,share a bathroom. Then a caravan for 5 years. Then bought our first house,2 up 2 down victorian..we always bought doer uppers. In the 1980s when DS was born mortgage rate went from 12-16% in 18 months. You couldn't add many years then,so you had to find the extra money..in 1988 when I got divorced my £64k mortgage was £997 a month..the whole of my take home pay..I worked nights after that nursing,so I didn't have to pay childcare.
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TheChirpyReader · 01/03/2026 16:19

Thechaseison71 · 01/03/2026 16:14

Your nan sounds a clever woman. Good way to ensure that others took a turn at doing stuff

The women you read about in books " fainting away" or needing smelling smalts are never working class women who've spent 12 hours on their feet at work on the factory though then come home to house stuff strangely. They were always the pampered middle and upper classes

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Well yeah, I did say that in my post that 'nerves' were afflicting the middle and upper classes who could take to their beds.

Iworkmiricles · 01/03/2026 16:20

Part of the problem is a lack of community. It's all about the individual, what one person does or does not do. The amount of people who blame their autism, adhd, anxiety, mh, what ever, and expect special treatment, are looking for reasons and a label for their behaviours, instead of accepting who they are and learning to manage it.
If we all start working together, are less isolated from families and communities, look at supporting each other instead of looking for blame things could be a lot better and people could cope with challenges, and be more resilient.

Echobelly · 01/03/2026 16:23

I think TBF there is a degree to which some of the 'lack of resilience' isn't that but is the refusal to accept situations which shouldn't be acceptable, eg extreme stress from others, mistreatment etc. And yes, some of it is casting things that should be manageable as 'trauma'. For example, people don't automatically need counselling or therapy when something difficult happens - it's fine to need it, but most people can recover from most challenges with the help of family and friends and it's only if that isn't helping, or if you don't have that support, that you really need to seek further help.

Some of what some people see as 'snowflakiness' is actually small, sensible responses to help reduce stress and recover from difficult situations. My oldest is involved in protest groups and after a protest that might be stressful, involve lots of adrenalin etc, they will take time as a group to relax and come down from it afterwards together rather than just going home. Which strikes me as eminently sensible and giving time to process what could have been a difficult day.

Nannyfannybanny · 01/03/2026 16:24

DH born in 1957, when his parents divorced (mother ran off with another man) he had to move in with his paternal gm for child care. Him, his brother and df shared a double bed, not a bedroom. Sister and GM shared the other double bed. "Kitchen" facilities was a cooker on the landing. His grandparents lived in Norfolk, their cottage on the dunes,had no bathroom and the "kitchen" as it was was in a shed.

Thechaseison71 · 01/03/2026 16:25

TheChirpyReader · 01/03/2026 16:19

Well yeah, I did say that in my post that 'nerves' were afflicting the middle and upper classes who could take to their beds.

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So it's not biological. Maybe because in general people have a much " softer" lifestyle these days hence why not building the resilience. There's no need. The wc women HAD to be resilient to survive in those books whereas most of the other women " married well" or had a rich father to support them so the survival need wasn't there

godmum56 · 01/03/2026 16:26

Echobelly · 01/03/2026 16:23

I think TBF there is a degree to which some of the 'lack of resilience' isn't that but is the refusal to accept situations which shouldn't be acceptable, eg extreme stress from others, mistreatment etc. And yes, some of it is casting things that should be manageable as 'trauma'. For example, people don't automatically need counselling or therapy when something difficult happens - it's fine to need it, but most people can recover from most challenges with the help of family and friends and it's only if that isn't helping, or if you don't have that support, that you really need to seek further help.

Some of what some people see as 'snowflakiness' is actually small, sensible responses to help reduce stress and recover from difficult situations. My oldest is involved in protest groups and after a protest that might be stressful, involve lots of adrenalin etc, they will take time as a group to relax and come down from it afterwards together rather than just going home. Which strikes me as eminently sensible and giving time to process what could have been a difficult day.

I put "be more resilient" into the same fuckit bucket as "can't you take a joke" "suck it up" and "just bantz"

transitvanwoes · 01/03/2026 16:32

Blueyrocks · 01/03/2026 15:47

The Anxious Generation argues that young people today are navigating a landscape that is catastrophic for their mental and physical health. Not that they're lacking resilience. You're reading mental illness as a lack of resilience i.e. an individual shortcoming/ failure. I think that's a deplorable view.

Btw, who are your "younger generation"? Presumably your own generation is, in your view, not lacking resilience? What generation? What has it endured with more resilience?

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Anxiety and resilience can go hand in hand. Anxiety is a normal response, it isn't a mental health condition necessarily. We have medicalized this word to the extent that the vast majority of young people are suffering from anxiety as a condition.
By young people I mean those under 25. My sister is an academic and said the amount of students with anxiety as a disability is huge, the 'quiet' exam room for medics had more students in it than not, so from next year they are overhauling the criteria. This is not normal or healthy. Teachers are saying the same thing, anxiety is at an all time time and resilience very low. Parents contacting teachers to say their DC are devastated they didn't get a main part in the play (this thread appears every year) and insinuating there is some sort of vendetta. School refusing due to 'mental health' is at an all time high. Life is stressful, anxiety is normal and for most people they should be able to push through (resilience), but that does not seem to be encouraged now.

PullTheBricksDown · 01/03/2026 16:37

HoppityBun · 01/03/2026 14:14

I have always enjoyed this story, but, having checked Rory Muir’s biography of Wellington I can’t see that it is mentioned at all. I’ll have another look but if there were a reliable record of it happening, I’m sure it would be in there.

On the other hand, there is this about the Duchess of Richmond‘s ball finishing prematurely: ‘Lord Uxbridge came to the door…[and] said, “you gentlemen who have engaged partners, had better finish your dance and get to your quarters as soon as you can.”’

Finishing one’s dance just before a battle is admirable sang froid, it seems to me.

I have no doubt that were the young people of today called upon to make the sacrifices that our forebears did, then they would do so. I earnestly hope that this is never needed.

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I have no doubt that were the young people of today called upon to make the sacrifices that our forebears did, then they would do so. I earnestly hope that this is never needed.

Covid is where we saw this. The vast majority of young people gave up their everyday freedoms to protect older generations far more at risk than they were, and are still feeling the consequences now. Let's hope we can avoid them having to do this in an actual conflict too.

LeftieRightsHoarder · 01/03/2026 16:50

lazyarse123 · 01/03/2026 13:01

Wtf does this mean?

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*lemonandlimes2 · Today 12:24
*boomers are the worst generation for petulance and having everything handed to them so maybe it started with them

lazyarse123
Wtf does this mean?

Just a routine snipe at old people. Apparently we created all the problems in the world, with our efforts to build a better world for the next generation.

TheChirpyReader · 01/03/2026 16:51

Lolling at life previously being calmer and more quiet.

My 2x Great Grandmother got married while pregnant in 1884 and had 9 children in 16 years, all of which lived to adulthood.

9 children with no electricity in the home or hot water. No dishwasher or washing machine or dryer. No disposable nappies. No supermarket. No calpol or other medicines. No TV or tablets to distract the kids or her. No pre or post-natal care. No NHS.

I don't want to imagine the dark winter nights she endured with several kids just a candle to light when she's trying to breastfeed one or probably more, change nappies full of shit with several kids in bed with her and others sharing beds in the same room if they were old enough and if there were other beds. Most of them snotty, ill and crying because no vaccinations, no NHS, no calpol, no Tv or tablets to amuse them.

Then get up in the morning and try to heat the room and cook with a coal fire which probably went out overnight or just not enough coal anyway. Try and feed them all with whatever food she had. No supermarket so she has to buy whatever she can from street vendors or local shops if she has the money. If.

Shitty nappies/cloth everywhere that she has to wash and dry which takes hours at best in the summer, days in the winter. And in the winter you have just a few hours to get everything done because of light.

Our generations romanticise candle-light and candles are seen as home decor which often smell nice. If you've ever actually tried to do anything you need to, by candlelight, its really fucking shit. Unless you can afford many, which she wouldn't.

It wasn't 'calmer and quiet' because of no TV, smartphones, 24 hr news and social media, it was relentless labour.

And in all that her body was likely damaged by 9 births in 16 years, could have had miscarriages in between too. Let alone the mental and emotional toll.

transitvanwoes · 01/03/2026 16:51

PullTheBricksDown · 01/03/2026 16:37

I have no doubt that were the young people of today called upon to make the sacrifices that our forebears did, then they would do so. I earnestly hope that this is never needed.

Covid is where we saw this. The vast majority of young people gave up their everyday freedoms to protect older generations far more at risk than they were, and are still feeling the consequences now. Let's hope we can avoid them having to do this in an actual conflict too.

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They didn't "give up their freedoms" as some sort of heroic act of self sacrifice, we went into lockdown as mandated by the government. And don't forget it was to protect the vulnerable, all of whom were not elderly.

RhaenysRocks · 01/03/2026 16:59

SnoreyCat · 01/03/2026 12:45

You’ve picked an extreme example but I’m with you in principle. Atm our society encourages a can’t do attitude and teaches people they can’t possibly cope with anything slightly outside of their comfort zone. Damaging to society and individuals. It’s lazy and drives me insane.

Definitely this. Leaving aside battlefield heroics, I do think that people now will claim to have suffered trauma that impacts on them decades later or are 'triggered' by hearing or seeing really very normal, everyday things.

I teach teens..our school is covered in posters about mental health, anxiety, signposts to four different routes to report or talk about anything. I have students turn up daily in floods of tears and unable to go to lessons because of perfectly normal friendship glitch, or they haven't got their book and can't face a negative comment or interaction. After school detention is quite rare but I'd say 75% of those we do issue are challenged by parents because their child is so upset, or did whatever it is because they are upset by something really very ordinary. I have two ASD kids, I completely get the need for flexibility and different ways of processing things but we have gone way too far down the route of introspective naval gazing at every moment.

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 01/03/2026 17:05

I've had to be stoical since birth. I was nearly not here, born 3 months prematurely, weaned off heroin, fought to survive weighing the same as a bag of sugar.

My life has been very blessed in many ways but health wise, yes I am very stoical. I've had 3 concussions, the first gave me a terrible breakdown and then I had an awful adverse reaction to an off label antipsychotic prescribed for the severe anxiety and insomnia. It gave me a permanent neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia that is a bit like Tourette's and Parkinson's disease combined.

God knows what the next 30 odd years are going to be like as I progress through perimenopause into menopause. At times, I curse my body, my brain, my health. But, for all the truly dreadful and frightening periods I've had when I've been very busy trying not to decide to end things, I've reminded myself why I need to stay here for my children and my family.

Having to go through all the shite really does make you empathetic and so grateful for the smallest things, as clichéd as that is.

Randomuser2026 · 01/03/2026 17:06

lazyarse123 · 01/03/2026 13:01

Wtf does this mean?

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It means that the generation of Baby Boomers were the generation who “never Had It So Good” for the whole of their lives and if they had a modicum of self awareness would know that it has been progressively worse for those coming after them.
Largely they don’t have that self awareness though, my guess is that the closer to 1946 they were born the more insufferable they are in their lectures.

Hoardasurass · 01/03/2026 17:13

Thechaseison71 · 01/03/2026 16:14

Your nan sounds a clever woman. Good way to ensure that others took a turn at doing stuff

The women you read about in books " fainting away" or needing smelling smalts are never working class women who've spent 12 hours on their feet at work on the factory though then come home to house stuff strangely. They were always the pampered middle and upper classes

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No it was the rich women in corsets who couldn't fucking breath who were fainting and passing out, poor women did wear corsets hence could breath properly.

transitvanwoes · 01/03/2026 17:18

RhaenysRocks · 01/03/2026 16:59

Definitely this. Leaving aside battlefield heroics, I do think that people now will claim to have suffered trauma that impacts on them decades later or are 'triggered' by hearing or seeing really very normal, everyday things.

I teach teens..our school is covered in posters about mental health, anxiety, signposts to four different routes to report or talk about anything. I have students turn up daily in floods of tears and unable to go to lessons because of perfectly normal friendship glitch, or they haven't got their book and can't face a negative comment or interaction. After school detention is quite rare but I'd say 75% of those we do issue are challenged by parents because their child is so upset, or did whatever it is because they are upset by something really very ordinary. I have two ASD kids, I completely get the need for flexibility and different ways of processing things but we have gone way too far down the route of introspective naval gazing at every moment.

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Baby mental health awareness is now a thing. If you think the posters for teens are bad, imagine being a new mum and seeing posters that might indicate their newborn is mentally unwell!