Friend let’s her 13yo son stay out till late.

[Bikergal90]

Ok so I say ‘friend’ but we drifted apart but we still keep in contact.
basically she keeps posting on fbk that her eldest son who is 13 keeps going missing, staying out late.
I never asked what time he was supposed to be in before but last night she mentioned his curfew is 21:30! 😳
Am I the only one who thinks this is too late for a 13 year old boy (who has poor judgment anyway). Last night he was out till 1:30am and that was only because she reported him missing and he got brought home by the police.
I have a daughter who is 12 and she has to be back home for 5:30pm at the latest as that’s when it gets dark. Same in the summer when her curfew is around 8pm.
I mentioned that maybe his curfew is abit longer than it should be for his age, especially if he can’t come home when asked. I got an absolute earful back and she called me a pussy, wimp, gentle parent etc… 🤦🏻‍♀️
so am I the only one who thinks 21:30 is abit late or am I just wrapping my kid up in cotton wool? I know when I was a kid the basic rule was to be back home when it was dark (late 90’s/early noughties).

Her curfew doesn’t sound that bad to me. The fact that he doesn’t come home and has to be brought back by the police, however, does.

At 13 my kids often took themselves to sports training/scouts/cadets which usually finished at about 9 or 9:30 and they’d walk home usually getting back for 10.

5:30 is quite early for a 12/13 year old - does she not do guides/cafets/egc?

it sounds more like the issue with your friends child is him staying out until 1sm not the curfew

The curfew is fine.

Lecturing a worried parent in that moment is not.

9:30 is a bit on the late side but nothing crazy or neglectful. It doesn't sound like he'd come back whatever time his curfew was anyway.

I think I'd be a bit annoyed if I was your friend and you started criticising when you knew everything else that was going on. His curfew is really not the issue here.

My 13 year old has a curfew of 9 on a weekend. All his friends have similar time. Hes never once been late. I dont think 9.30 is the issue, but him taking the piss is.

9:30 on a Saturday night is not "out until late" for a 13 year old. It's about right.

It doesn’t matter what the curfew is really as he doesn’t come😂 Its not really any of your business

I’m actually thinking your curfew is rather early. Doesn’t your child do any activities?

21:30 sounds fine to me.

It’s fine but his behaviour re police is not.

Your child doesn’t get out past tea time.

I think you are the outlier and not your ‘friend’.

There are two different things here. One is the curfew time. For what it's worth, 9.30 doesnt sound that late.
But then he's missing his curfew and she's calling the police. That's the bit to focus on.

But if you're not friends then it's really nothing to do with you anyway.

I'd say year round 7.30/8pm is more reasonable for an 13 year old so I don't disagree that her curfew is a bit late but yabu because it's not your place to comment and you commented at a time she was worried sick as her 13 year old had not returned home til.1.30am so you deserved the earful you got. She's got bigger problems than the time of curfew right now.

Depends where my kids are and what they are doing.

I'm happy for them to be out around our local area until after 9:30 and don't mind them being out round here after dark with friends

If they want to be further afield, then the general rule is at a friends house or an activity once dark and I'd usually pick them up

But seems this kid doesn't respect boundaries if they keep going missing until early hours so thats a whole other conversation and issue

9.30 curfew is fine. 5.30 is not. What does your DD think of thar curfew?
The missing episodes are very concerning but it won't be due to a 9.30 curfew.

9.30 for a 13.5 year old seems ok to me, whereas 5.30 seems very early.

My dc never had curfews but I did insist I knew where they were and who with, they never pushed it too far (before tracking apps existed too). Trust is so important

Yep the curfew is too late but he’s ignoring it anyway so that’s by the by. She’s got problems with parenting her ds, I hope she seeks help.

I’m with you OP and wouldn’t want my year 8, 13 year old wandering around out and about after dark. I’m surprised by the number of posters happy to have their kids out in the dark. We don’t really have a curfew as it depends where he is, what he’s doing and who he’s with but generally DS and all his friends have to be home for dinnertime and in our area they’re quite spread out and don’t live that close to each other so it never occurs to them to go back out after dinner. If he had friends nearby and they were going to the local park to play football or whatever I’d definitely want him home about half an hour before dark.

*edited spelling mistake

My son will be 13 this month. There's no way he'd be out just kicking about that late, particularly when it's dark.

I never understand the cool parent responses on here! Would you really be OK with your 13 year old wandering the streets in the dark with a 9.30pm curfew he ignores?
Sports clubs etc are not comparable.

Who is he hanging about with? I doubt it's all kids his own age.
The Police are aware of this now so social services will be too. I'm sure they'll take a dim view of this, particularly if it keeps happening.

I think the context is important.

walking back from scouts at 9pm - fine

hanging around with no one knowing where he is / older kids - absolutely not fine.

This is why blanket roles don’t work, you need to understand the lifestyle and context. Same as if my 14 yo spends 3 hours on laptop building a website it’s absolutely not the same as 3 hours watching shit on you tube.

If he is the type of child you describe then 9.30 is fine. It is a compromise, it isn’t easy dealing with a wayward teenager so I wouldn’t judge harshly. Some teenagers hate restraints, they make terrible choices and believe they’re older than their years so compromise is important.
I am grateful mine are natural home birds.
He’ll get worse before he improves IME.
The only advice I’d give her is to contact youth services see if they can get him into a club.

5.30pm for 12 year old is absolutely ridiculous.

If a child isn't coming home for a 9.30pm curfew what on earth makes you think he'd respect an earlier one?

I think it is on the late side but not concerningly so, yours is extremely early.

She must be missing out on so much.