Friend let’s her 13yo son stay out till late.

[Bikergal90]

Ok so I say ‘friend’ but we drifted apart but we still keep in contact.
basically she keeps posting on fbk that her eldest son who is 13 keeps going missing, staying out late.
I never asked what time he was supposed to be in before but last night she mentioned his curfew is 21:30! 😳
Am I the only one who thinks this is too late for a 13 year old boy (who has poor judgment anyway). Last night he was out till 1:30am and that was only because she reported him missing and he got brought home by the police.
I have a daughter who is 12 and she has to be back home for 5:30pm at the latest as that’s when it gets dark. Same in the summer when her curfew is around 8pm.
I mentioned that maybe his curfew is abit longer than it should be for his age, especially if he can’t come home when asked. I got an absolute earful back and she called me a pussy, wimp, gentle parent etc… 🤦🏻‍♀️
so am I the only one who thinks 21:30 is abit late or am I just wrapping my kid up in cotton wool? I know when I was a kid the basic rule was to be back home when it was dark (late 90’s/early noughties).

Is she not allowed out to the cinema or to friends houses ever after dark? Bizarre

9 or 9.30 is fine. 5.30 is bonkers for a 12 year old. The problem is he doesn’t come home at the curfew, not the curfew itself.

I think the curfew is fine. If he is not coming home on time, then there are other issues at play but the curfew itself seems fine to me.

My 11 year old can stay out until 9 in our neighbourhood. Would be later in the summer when it is bright. My 14 year old can stay out later, but again, I expect them to be nearby and not out wandering further afield. This is normal in our area. If my kids had to be in from 5.30, their friends would find it very strange.

I would say 9/9 30 is about normal for a 13 year old at the weekend, it sounds like he is a handful though and his curfew is the least of his mums worries.

The curfew is fine ..if he actually kept to it. As he isn't its obviously not working. So its either come down like a ton of bricks or back off. I wonder why hes playing up. Is there a reason or is he being a little gut.

Personally I have never understood this obsession with ‘curfews’ like they are living in an open prison!

Surely it’s much more important what they’re actually doing and where. Hanging around causing trouble with similar individuals is a problem at any time of day.

I think 9.30 is fine especially coming into the lighter months. I think the curlew for your daughter is ridiculous frankly.

9:30pm is fine on a weekend if you know where your child is, who they are with and what they are doing.

I don't tend to have a curfew for mine as such I ask them 'what time do you think you'll be home/should I collect you?' and if I feel the time they give me is too late we negotiate from there, but rarely need to.

It sounds like this boy has bigger issues going on and wouldn't stick to a curfew whatever time it was.

What is she missing out on? Context is needed . If she is out later for clubs/activities then thats one thing. If she has a event she wants to go to or something similar or sleep over.
But if its just walking around dark cold streets till 9.30 then what is she missing out on??

Just hanging out with her mates @Starlight7080like we all did.

Yes, it’s ridiculous. Being at a friend’s house til 9:30 baking or watching a film, fine. Roaming around town vaping til 9:30, clearly not fine. But some parents are shit. At 16, yes different. But I certainly was not out dicking about in the park til 9:30 at 13.

Dd has a friend who at 12 was allowed to drink at home. Dd went over and she just had empty cans of cider next to her bed. At 12!! 😳 She offered dd one at a sleepover. Needless to say, dd does not go over to said friend’s house anymore.

The problem is not the curfew but the fact he doesn't respect it

Agree 5.30pm is ridiculously early for a 12 year old.

Hanging out with her mates down the park, or at McDonald's, or the bowling alley without parents hanging about constantly.

I feel really sad for kids who never get to experience that freedom.

My ds did all of those things at 12 without needing to be out all evening 🤔

Most schools are out by 4 at the latest, so still time to go to the park with mates on the way home. Saturday afternoons for bowling, skate park, town etc..

Mine isn’t allowed to hang around the streets/park once it’s dark. If they are at an activity/cinema/bowling alley/friends house then that’s fine otherwise home.

Luckily all their friends parents think the same so never been a problem.

Yeh I agree with others. 9.30pm is not late for a 13yo to be out – as long as he is out with some purpose. At that age (and younger) my DC were out till 9/9.30/10pm at Scouts, Guides, drama group, at a friend's house. They never had a curfew as such.

I see that some say 9.30pm is late which surprises me tbh. many many activities aimed at 13yos finish at 9pm or later. Do those who have a "when it’s dark" curfew object to football training or Scouts or similar?

The fact that she has to get the police to bring him home at 1am is a real worry tho.

The 5.30 curfew for your DD is strange – yes does she not do any activities such as Guides or any sport in the evenings?

"Home when it is dark" makes no sense to me as that's 4pm in December but 10pm in June. Being out in the dark is not as such dangerous.

I think if I had a 13-year-old child who stayed out 4 hours past his curfew and had to be brought back home by the police, there would no longer be a curfew anymore as he wouldn't be allowed out unsupervised for about a year.

It sounds like the "wimp" parent may not in fact be OP.

I didn't say anything about "needing to be out all evening" - but when I was 12, I wasn't even home from at 5.30 - in fact, the bus would only just be leaving school at that time.

I have really fond memories of hanging out with my friends and just doing nothing - since when do childhoods have to be so regimented?

Does your DD not have hobbies / go out with friends in an evening??

Why are you judging the curfew and not the fact the child ignores it?

Mine don't have a curfew because their brains would hear that as "go where you like so long as you are back by x time." They are expected to ask if they aren't coming home straight from school, I don't think I've ever said no, although of course I ask follow up questions if I need to. Usually about how they will get home. Their school is massive, and the catchment is quite big, I'm more relaxed about them going to places on the bus route than other places. They do sometimes hang out in the local area, not a house / sport but that tends to be in the summer when it is light outside. I wouldn't be happy about them roaming in a large group.

Well this thread is an eye opener!

I would absolutely agree with OP that a 13 year old doesn’t need the freedom to be wandering about the streets after dark and definitely not 9.30pm at this time of year.

If there is an event or visit to friends house of course they can go but I’d be picking them up if it’s late. Just hanging round the park after dark or walking/cycling home in the dark on their own, not for me at this age.

For the amount of people saying it’s totally normal, I’m surprised because it’s absolutely not amongst my kids friends.

Summer is different with the much lighter, milder evenings but we’re not there yet.

Nothing good comes from wandering the streets in the dark. I’m with you OP.

I think it's very location dependent.

I'm in a small, coastal town and children walk to/from school alone from the age of 9. They also go to the park in groups and will walk to Tesco or the local shop without an adult to get milk or sweets, or to the ice-cream parlour to get milkshakes. Again, no adults. They'll walk in groups or go on their bikes.

You also regularly see them all walking home in groups from the fair when its' in town, or from youth club as well.

Nobody said anything about wandering the streets. Do your kids never go out for milkshakes, or on their bikes, or to the park to play football with their mates?