Friend let’s her 13yo son stay out till late.

[Bikergal90]

Ok so I say ‘friend’ but we drifted apart but we still keep in contact.
basically she keeps posting on fbk that her eldest son who is 13 keeps going missing, staying out late.
I never asked what time he was supposed to be in before but last night she mentioned his curfew is 21:30! 😳
Am I the only one who thinks this is too late for a 13 year old boy (who has poor judgment anyway). Last night he was out till 1:30am and that was only because she reported him missing and he got brought home by the police.
I have a daughter who is 12 and she has to be back home for 5:30pm at the latest as that’s when it gets dark. Same in the summer when her curfew is around 8pm.
I mentioned that maybe his curfew is abit longer than it should be for his age, especially if he can’t come home when asked. I got an absolute earful back and she called me a pussy, wimp, gentle parent etc… 🤦🏻‍♀️
so am I the only one who thinks 21:30 is abit late or am I just wrapping my kid up in cotton wool? I know when I was a kid the basic rule was to be back home when it was dark (late 90’s/early noughties).

Yes that’s probably correct. I live in a town bordering a big city. It’s generally pretty middle class/safe but there are some robberies and anti social behaviour.

Why in god's name would they be "wandering the streets"?

9:30 is fine for watching a film with a mate. Or a gaming evening. Or Scouts, which finishes at 9:30 around here. Or at the badminton club that runs on Thursdays between 7:15 and 9:15.

As long as they have lights on their bikes and reflective patches on their coats for cycling back home again I don't see a problem.

My boys had rugby training 2 nights a week from age 11 and they went to and from on their bikes. If they’d had a 5.30pm curfew they couldn’t have gone.

scouts on a Tuesday til 9.30pm. Again they went on their bikes.

Yeah, the worst thing you see here is people not putting their rubbish in the right bin, or not picking up dog poo, lol.

You can leave your bike out on the street and it won't get nicked, and people leave their houses unlocked all day so they can get parcels delivered while they're at work. Everyone knows everyone and we all look out for each other.

The downside is that there's not much privacy but it's such a safe place to raise young children.

He's breaking the curfew regardless of when she sets it to I'd imagine. But it's really not something for you to get involved in.

It seems you're just being critical of her parenting as you've fallen out. Obviously the son is playing up but being judgemental from afar about it isn't helping. It would be easier to just not look at her Facebook posts surely?

@CarlaLemarchant I for one am not talking about wandering the streets at night. I am talking about organised activities (which at 13yo my DC were fine to walk home from without me picking them up; yes even in the dark!) such as Scouts (9.30pm finish), Guides (9pm), panto rehearsal (9.30pm), dance class (8.30pm), football practice (8.30pm), or doing something a bit more freelance with friends such as going to the movies, going out for Starbucks, going to their houses.

If needed I would pick up but they were also more than capable of getting the bus home. Do your DC not do this? Didn't you?

Who is calling you pussy, wimp? That's a weird issue for me.

5.30 is pretty early tbh.

It's not your business re the friends approach. Id keep out of it.

My kids do plenty or of organised activities but if it’s an after dark one during the colder months, they get collected. As do all the other kids. During the day, my 14 yr old Ds can largely come and go as he pleases.

I had plenty of freedom during the day as a teen but didn’t go out alone after dark until mid teens and I’ll be honest, it wasn’t without incident.

If my boys couldn’t get there by themselves, they couldn’t go. So they went on their bikes. As did their mates.

So they are out after dark – which is what most people are saying. I guess most of us agree that 9.30pm is Ok for a teen to be out, but not to be wandering aimlessly about the streets.

I don’t think anyone is defending the mum needing to contact police bc the DS is still out at 1.30am. Obviously that is not OK, but I think it’s a separate issue.

Tbh if I had not been allowed to be out after dark as a teenager I wouldn't have been able to go to school! I had a long commute to my grammar school and lessons finished at 4pm, so I came home in the dark for about three months of the year. 4pm btw is the finish time of a secondary school local to me and the DC come from a wide area, so I imagine some of them are in the same position.

FWIW I feel very strongly that we do our DC no favours by demonising the dark and saying it’s safe to be out in daylight but not the dark. Firstly it restricts them hugely in terms of independence in the winter; secondly when will it be safe? Is 22yo DS at uni OK to be out after dark? But not when he was 14? Thirdly it suggests any behaviour (even unsafe behaviour) is OK if it is daylight; and fourthly it’s luckily just not the case that as soon as it is dark, there is a murderer looking to leap out from behind every tree we pass. We need to assess risk and be realistic IMHO. OK end of rant.

By organised activities I mean sports training or a friends house. I don’t mean unsupervised after dark and I think many of the early comments felt that was absolutely fine. And maybe it is, every parent makes a judgement call but it’s not common around here for the better behaved non-asbo children.

I don’t really get the “dark” argument. I wouldn’t have wanted my child hanging around anywhere deserted in the light. But spending time with friends in a well- lit and busy part of a town after dark would be ok. It’s where they are, who they’re with and what they’re doing that matters rather than how light it is surely?

Have never heard of a curfew. Like other pps my DS13 is out till 9 with scouts. And about 8- 9pm finish at sporting activities.

but it very much depends on what he is doing. He wouldn’t dream of just being out wandering with friends. And I’d usually collect him from friend’s houses.

Not for us, I mentioned further up I live in a pretty nice area but it borders a big city and our local shops/ park/ streets definitely get a bit ‘moodier’ after dark. Non local teens hanging around in groups. There’s been a couple of high profile recent incidents.

Not every day and not every road but enough to make parents think twice about letting kids go completely free range.

No I don't think a 930pm curfew is far too late for a 13 year old.
Perhaps it depends on the area you live in. Wandering round with friends (where we live) does not mean 'up to no good'.
Her problems with her teen aren't about his curfew time anyway.