Why are ppl excusing rude /

[LightCream]

Probably going to get flamed for this but I've noticed a growing trend in awkward / rude / crap behaviour in people and others jumping to their defence saying that they must be on the spectrum and therefore I should be more empathetic and accepting of this behaviour.

I know lots of people with mental health issues, granted they aren't on the spectrum, have never had this type of dispensation to allow rude / crap behaviour. If they are being behaving terribly due to their issues, most often they will have the self awareness and usually apologise after.

Few recent examples:

• new neighbour has moved in. She comes to my house unannounced on an almost daily basis at one point. Initially, I dropped hints to say that I was busy etc but then resorted to being direct. This worked to a certain extent but she still pops in regularly. She stays at least an hour! The worst was when I was very busy packing the evening before for an early morning flight for my family and she turned up when I specifically told her not to come but she still did! My dsis thinks she's on the spectrum as she lacks self awareness, doesn't understand hints, and lacks awareness of the impact of her staying at someone's house for hours on end.

• woman at work- her communication skills are poor. she is junior to us but checks our work, tells us what to do, never speaks to us but sits there earwigging into everyone's conversations to the point it's actually rude - she blatantly stares at you listening in. She asks for updates on our work and where everything is up to when it's nothing to do with her! On the rare occasion we have worked together on a piece of work she only does the bits I assume she's comfortable with ie leaving us to deal with the customers/ clients side of things whilst she just does the behind the scenes work. If an issue is raised / complaint comes in She never deals with it. She has pissed off lots of ppl in the team with the way that she is at work. It is absolutely not a training issue. Colleague of mine thinks she's on the spectrum so I should accept this behaviour.

Ill be the first to say that I'm not very knowledgeable about autism / spectrum stuff and I don't want to be a twat but genuinely am I supposed to deal with this behaviour and accept it. And why are ppl jumping on the spectrum bandwagon as an excuse? Is it a trend? Neither of these ppl have said they are on the spectrum so why have others jumped in with an excuse of spectrum when they themselves haven't?

If you are genuinely on the spectrum, what do you think of this? Do you find it offensive? In theory anyone could act like a dick at home and work and just tell ppl they're on the spectrum!

YANBU, you see it on MN all the time too.

Someone acts like a twat, and everyone says ‘oh they might be autistic’.

It’s get out of jail card for knobs and offensive to people with autism too.

It's not about excusing poor behaviours, it's about being understanding of others circumstances.

Those people seem to struggle with social interactions. The same way you're clearly struggling with setting boundaries, and this is impacting your daily life.
Some could tell you to get your act together and that you're just doing this to yourself (why letting your neighbour in for an hour? Why paying attention to a junior giving you instructions? These are choices that you make).

The thing with your neighbour is on you, why are you letting her in? Not answering the door would solve the problem.

I'm autistic and I don't pop to people's houses habitually. I do have certain behaviours which may well be considered rude by others though. One of them would be speaking out of turn. I am aware that I sometimes cut people mid sentence. This is because it is difficult for me to judge where the natural pause in a conversation is and I generally found that if I don't jump in, then I miss it entirely and end up not being able to say anything at all.
Another one is absolute directness, although here I generally try to mask and fluff up my speech with words and phrases that I hear others use to at least pretend to sound diplomatic.
I definitely don't get hints though so my question to you would be why do you let your neighbour in? Why not say at the door that you can't host her right now?

You're not making any allowances are you? So why do you think others are?

Why don't you directly address people and instead just quietly seethe? You don't think that's an issue with you?

You can't choose how others show up but you can choose how to react.

I can think someone's probably on the spectrum and have compassion for it but protect my own peace by not taking on their stuff too much, I have 1 mum friend I immediately think of in this.

YANBU. Try working in a school at the moment...

I've never seen it used as an excuse, just a reason as to why someone might be more clumsy socially. Why do you let your neighbour in? You colleague needs to be managed and/or coached by her manager. If they're autistic, that coaching may look different than it would for someone not autistic.

A thought: set your own boundaries and educate yourself on neurodiversity instead of making assumptions and moaning about it.

YANBU, I see it constantly on here and it's ridiculous. Firstly, its deeply offensive to suggest that any time someone is a rude arsehole its because they must be autistic. Thats really bloody offensive to people who are ND.

Secondly, why is it so hard to believe some people just arent very nice- I mean, have people never experienced someone like this in real life?- it's really bizarre.

If its a person over age 40 the other excuse that gets trotted out is dementia 😂

So with my neighbour - I absolutely agree that I have boundary issues - and I have made an effort to being blatantly direct and as I said that has made an improvement. I don't like being direct like this as it's rude and I wouldn't normally be like this with others as I don't want to offend them! However, I am making an effort which I can't see the other 2 ppl in my example really doing well maybe the neighbour is as she has improved but that might be because of me?

In addition, I think pp are gaslighting me, someone is being rude to me so I should just deal with them and get rid of the problem myself. Sorted!
Would you say that to someone experiencing abusive behaviour? Well, you're letting them abuse you? Just dump the bf, friend etc and you're sorted. If only life was that simple.

It sounds like you were raised to believe being assertive is rude. You have poor boundaries as a result.

You can’t change other people’s behaviour, only your response to it.

No honey because noones abusing you, if they were I'd suggest you find support to leave.

Someone being rude to you is them living their life how you dislike but not about you really. You can choose not be around them. Noones gaslighting you

There is quite a bit of difference between being a victim of abuse and having someone pop on your doorstep. For once abuse is not really about a physical, verbal or emotional act. It's about control and power. And, by definition, someone who is not in a position for power has fewer opportunities to stop or prevent abuse.
In your situation, you are not stripped of power at all. You are standing on the doorstep of your own house and you neighbour is not pushing past you to come in. You have all the power in the world to say "I don't have time to talk right now" and close the door. It's not rude to be direct. You are not telling her "I'm fed up with you coming over every day, you horrible inconsiderate human". That would, indeed, be rude. You must, surely, see the difference.

You letting a neighbour monopolise your time and home is not the same as someone being abused, you have and always have had the power to not answer the bloody door.
You aren't here to fix her.

To be clear, I don't think these ppl are ND. I think this is who they just are, nothing to do with ND.

Hmmm the first woman is very rude even if on the spectrum. You need to be really blunt with her. The second woman also rude but not such a big deal. I would be clear with her too "we do not need you to check our work Gladys - that is rude and unnecessary. Please stop doing it".

However, you can't stop her listening to your chat though or make her join in. That is where you are being a bit U if that is seriously your complaint. If you chat in front of someone, they may hear. If you work with someone it doesn't mean they have to be your buddy.

When people "excuse" behaviour, and let people continue behaving badly, whether or not that person is on the spectrum, they are not being kind or doing the right thing. You need to let them know you do not like their behaviour. Don't be a people pleaser or expect them to pick up on social cues. Tell them directly.

But sometimes ASD does explain behaviour. It doesn't mean unwanted behaviour is ok though. How do you think children with ASD get on in schools? Do the teachers just say "oh autism" and let them do whatever? No, they do not. They (ideally) make reasonable adjustments and also correct behaviour without getting all bosom hoiky about Gladys listening to their conversation without joining in.

So there is a balance to be had I think

It’s because most neurotypicals are people pleasers so don’t say exactly how they feel. Most neurodivergents can’t read between the lines or interpret hints.

This is on you to be clear with your expectations. NDs may not understand boundaries and may be more direct with their feelings, that often comes across as rude but that’s not the intention.

If it’s not convenient for your neighbour to come in, then tell her. If your colleague wants to look at your work, then ask why.

I agree, adults should be able to be pleasant regardless of autism. My sisters BF is autistic and he is nasty to us and ruins family events. This isn't an autism thing, its being a massive prick thing but of course my sister makes excuses for him because of his LDs.

@ClaudiaWinklemansFakeTan I'm sorry but it's absolutely socially not acceptable to stare at ppl having a conversation so you can figure out what they're saying. This is 2 ppl having a conversation with lowered tones where noone can really hear unless you strain your ear / stare where you might get the odd jist of the conversation. She is absolutely well out of order with picking and choosing work she is comfortable with. Management don't want to know when we have raised it. I have taken a massive step back from her and she has cut down on the shitty emails to me but is still like that with others in the team.

Given you said you know very little about ASD, your opinion on whether or not these people are NT holds very little weight indeed.

In the same vein, so are all the other pp advising me on the assumption that they are ND.

Why would you even care what the neighbour thinks - she clearly does not give a shit about how she comes across to you!

But generally I do agree with your point - some people are just absolute twats and nothing else

Agree with the poster who said about schools. Every bit of bad behaviour is put down to possible neurodivergence. In my school we do have people (children and staff) who are genuinely neurodivergent and there are accommodations made for them. There are also children with no diagnosis or any of the main traits who swear at people, attack people, smash windows, rip wall displays and management simply say “maybe they are ND?” There seem to be no repercussions for appalling behaviour that distracts others from learning, leaves people scared/upset and leaving the impression that all ND people are thugs (when I find that generally the opposite is true).

I'm/he/she/they are ND/on the spectrum/neurospicy I would go out on a limb to say is almost always complete bullshit.

People just can't be arsed to put the effort in these days to be decent members of society, and it's a handy get out of jail card.

Compounding that, if you can get your child a diagnosis you are eligible for a pretty high rate of DLA, so those parents of 'ND' kids will fight tooth and nail to keep it. I have personal experience of an ex friend who 'guided' her children's behaviour in such a way to claim full DLA for both. They were ill mannered shits, but perfectly normal kids.

I volunteer in the sector and meet lots of genuinely autistic children. It is a huge insult to these kids and their families when little Timmy throws his water bottle at a teacher's head, but it's ok because he's ND FFS.

You are being rude.