Why are ppl excusing rude /

[LightCream]

Probably going to get flamed for this but I've noticed a growing trend in awkward / rude / crap behaviour in people and others jumping to their defence saying that they must be on the spectrum and therefore I should be more empathetic and accepting of this behaviour.

I know lots of people with mental health issues, granted they aren't on the spectrum, have never had this type of dispensation to allow rude / crap behaviour. If they are being behaving terribly due to their issues, most often they will have the self awareness and usually apologise after.

Few recent examples:

• new neighbour has moved in. She comes to my house unannounced on an almost daily basis at one point. Initially, I dropped hints to say that I was busy etc but then resorted to being direct. This worked to a certain extent but she still pops in regularly. She stays at least an hour! The worst was when I was very busy packing the evening before for an early morning flight for my family and she turned up when I specifically told her not to come but she still did! My dsis thinks she's on the spectrum as she lacks self awareness, doesn't understand hints, and lacks awareness of the impact of her staying at someone's house for hours on end.

• woman at work- her communication skills are poor. she is junior to us but checks our work, tells us what to do, never speaks to us but sits there earwigging into everyone's conversations to the point it's actually rude - she blatantly stares at you listening in. She asks for updates on our work and where everything is up to when it's nothing to do with her! On the rare occasion we have worked together on a piece of work she only does the bits I assume she's comfortable with ie leaving us to deal with the customers/ clients side of things whilst she just does the behind the scenes work. If an issue is raised / complaint comes in She never deals with it. She has pissed off lots of ppl in the team with the way that she is at work. It is absolutely not a training issue. Colleague of mine thinks she's on the spectrum so I should accept this behaviour.

Ill be the first to say that I'm not very knowledgeable about autism / spectrum stuff and I don't want to be a twat but genuinely am I supposed to deal with this behaviour and accept it. And why are ppl jumping on the spectrum bandwagon as an excuse? Is it a trend? Neither of these ppl have said they are on the spectrum so why have others jumped in with an excuse of spectrum when they themselves haven't?

If you are genuinely on the spectrum, what do you think of this? Do you find it offensive? In theory anyone could act like a dick at home and work and just tell ppl they're on the spectrum!

This is a pretty unpleasant post for someone who works in the field to write.

"If you can get your child a diagnosis" makes it sound like diagnoses are handed out like sweets. In actual fact there's admission criteria to even get on a several year long waiting list. When you finally get an assessment the assessors look for core features of autism or ADHD and you can't "coach" that, and it isn't remotely the same as an NT child "being rude". It's far more subtle in terms of tells. The assessment should include observations in clinic and school and structured assessment as well as a developmental history.

The reason why people sometimes suggest neurodiversity for what neurotypical people interpret as rude behaviour (and that's a vitally important point) is that they perceived that the behaviour could be interpreted as a social or communication misinterpretation. Both of OP's examples could be down to autism. The neighbour is misinterpreting their welcome at OP's house and how close they are. The work colleague is displaying rigidity of thinking around their role and how this should be managed and social ineptness in the way she interacts.

To me, rudeness is in the intent. If you intend to brush someone off, impose yourself on them or dismiss them then that is rude. If you have an interpersonal communication mismatch and there's no intent then that's more likely a cultural or neurodiversity moment. Any one of us could inadvertently be rude if, sat, we went to Japan and didn't understand cultural obligations. Being autistic is sometimes like being in Japan. You don't always necessarily understand unspoken rules properly and so can inadvertently cause upset or offence.

You need to work on your own communication skills and tell people what you want. Why did you let the neighbour hang around in your house for hours when you were busy?
When you're in a group at work, involve everyone in the conversation rather than trying to exclude one person. If they are asking questions you don't want to answer, tell them you don't want to answer.

She only came in anyway because you let her in.

"Sorry Barbara, I would invite you in but I'm far too busy packing".

If you don't take responsibility for yourself, these things will never change.

But you let her in

Just don't answer the door. Get a ring doorbell and ignore her when she knocks or calls. You're reinforcing to her that her behaviour is acceptable because when she knocks, you let her in and entertain her for an hour at a time - just stop!

Neighbour -simple, keep door locked, turn the key on the inside or if it's a Yale lock make sure the snick is down. You can get a very simple turn button for the inside of a double glazed door if you are worried about being locked in with a key in an emergency for example. But however you do it make sure she can't just walk in. Then either leave her knocking or if not comfortable doing that, just tell her through the window with a cheery wave that sorry you're busy atm ,then ignore.

Some things are acceptable, some are not🤷‍♀️ Without rules society would be anarchy. Try reading the original post and fit your response to me to their post 🙄

Which is exactly what OP is calling into question?? Is it being bandied about all too readily?

Is your door open that she can just walk in?
This sounds very preventable if she doesn’t have a key, don’t open the door……
Just say I told you I was packing.

Don’t add to this and say I’ll see you when I’m back/another time as she might take this literally if she is autistic.

They could. They could also be ND…..

If they’re not getting the hint then you need to be even more direct.

Like the First Lady, whether she’s autistic or not she cannot misunderstand ‘I can’t see you right now, please go away.’

The Second Lady you need to bring it up with your manager and say the way she works is having a negative effect on the team.

People on the spectrum can find social rules and normalcies we take for granted to be harder to understand. Generally, unless very severe, they will not misunderstand you saying ‘no, do not do that, go away, stop doing that’ etc.

I do work in a shit primary school
where management use the “maybe they are ND” as a way to get out of actually setting boundaries and putting in consequences.
We had a pupil break a window this week because he didn’t win a game at PE - the consequence was playing on his phone for an hour to help him “re-regulate” then returned to class where he repeatedly swore at other pupils and staff. He has no formal diagnosis and none of the teaching staff or support staff think he shows any signs of ND, but management use the “he could be ND” to not deal with the behaviour. The other line they use is “it’s probably because he was young during Covid” 🤦🏻‍♀️

One of my teens is autistic and the other has a very local friend who is autistic.
Local kid's mum 'warned' me early on that her child might be a bit intense / possessive and for me/my kid to let her know if things gets too much. I've found that setting limits works really well, so I tell my kid they need to be home at a certain time or I tell her kid that they need to leave my home at a certain time. As far as I can tell he's never taken offence at that.
For my own autistic teen, I worry about her overstaying her welcome at friends' houses so we've done some coaching around decoding when to leave and also how. Sometimes I've told her that something is rude and she'll be genuinely surprised.
Sometimes the flip is true, because I'll have told her something broad when she was younger and not all the exemptions, for example after my friend left once she was saying "you and x were talking about money, isn't that rude?" because she can't discriminate between different situations herself.
So, when communicating with the autistic people in your life, communicate very clearly and don't make assumptions that they can read between the lines, because you'll only be disappointed!