Why are ppl excusing rude /

[LightCream]

Probably going to get flamed for this but I've noticed a growing trend in awkward / rude / crap behaviour in people and others jumping to their defence saying that they must be on the spectrum and therefore I should be more empathetic and accepting of this behaviour.

I know lots of people with mental health issues, granted they aren't on the spectrum, have never had this type of dispensation to allow rude / crap behaviour. If they are being behaving terribly due to their issues, most often they will have the self awareness and usually apologise after.

Few recent examples:

• new neighbour has moved in. She comes to my house unannounced on an almost daily basis at one point. Initially, I dropped hints to say that I was busy etc but then resorted to being direct. This worked to a certain extent but she still pops in regularly. She stays at least an hour! The worst was when I was very busy packing the evening before for an early morning flight for my family and she turned up when I specifically told her not to come but she still did! My dsis thinks she's on the spectrum as she lacks self awareness, doesn't understand hints, and lacks awareness of the impact of her staying at someone's house for hours on end.

• woman at work- her communication skills are poor. she is junior to us but checks our work, tells us what to do, never speaks to us but sits there earwigging into everyone's conversations to the point it's actually rude - she blatantly stares at you listening in. She asks for updates on our work and where everything is up to when it's nothing to do with her! On the rare occasion we have worked together on a piece of work she only does the bits I assume she's comfortable with ie leaving us to deal with the customers/ clients side of things whilst she just does the behind the scenes work. If an issue is raised / complaint comes in She never deals with it. She has pissed off lots of ppl in the team with the way that she is at work. It is absolutely not a training issue. Colleague of mine thinks she's on the spectrum so I should accept this behaviour.

Ill be the first to say that I'm not very knowledgeable about autism / spectrum stuff and I don't want to be a twat but genuinely am I supposed to deal with this behaviour and accept it. And why are ppl jumping on the spectrum bandwagon as an excuse? Is it a trend? Neither of these ppl have said they are on the spectrum so why have others jumped in with an excuse of spectrum when they themselves haven't?

If you are genuinely on the spectrum, what do you think of this? Do you find it offensive? In theory anyone could act like a dick at home and work and just tell ppl they're on the spectrum!

Neurodivergence is literally who someone is.

Teachers cannot diagnose neurodivergence though.

Behavioural issues can appear in NT children as well as ND and schools cannot just chuck them out of school at the drop of a hat in either case, much as I am sure they would like to sometimes. I work in a secondary school and ND children do indeed face consequences for disruptive behaviour. They are not allowed to do whatever they like and say "but ND". Maybe in an utterly shit school they are but it shouldn't be the case

I have aspergers.

Directness works for me every single time.

I’m 47 and only in the last four years have I got to grips with when somebody says we must catch up/do something together They don’t always mean it😆🙈

Knowing peoples boundaries and rules actually make life easier for me.

I get what you mean I was talking about the benefits of breastfeeding very factually on MN and somebody came on and said what happens if someone who can’t feed reads this and gets offended. The thread was literally about why you breastfed so I listed the scientifically proven factual benefits. As if we must censor ourselves to allow for others who might take offence/have a problem.

With your neighbour Simply say I’m sorry it’s not convenient right now and close the door.

You are part of the problem if you actually let her in…..

Your colleague, I’m not so sure you should give the benefit of any doubt. If she’s junior, then she should be managed accordingly and given the work she is required to do.

You are being ignorant

Isn't being a dick literally who some people just are too?!.

Just a thought. Reading your further posts, have you ever considered that you might be neuro divergent or have ASD?

Your inability to socially navigate the situation with your neighbour.

Your belligerence about your colleague and being bothered by something so minor as her listening to a work conversation?

you seem holy unwilling to take any criticism andAutistic individuals often experience
intense sensitivity to criticism (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) due to brain differences,

Just a thought.

You seem to be strongly suggesting it is indeed who 'some people' are

Thank you for giving me some insight.
So with the neighbour's example I actually said. Dont come in on X day as I'm busy packing. I don't know how I could have been more direct but she still came in anyway.

Your neighbour is an easy one to solve, just tell her to bugger off.

Should sort it.

Some of these could be covered by social anxiety, low self esteem issues, anxiety.

I read comments all the time and make bets with myself that the word ‘neurodivergent’ is going to appear.
All the time we make excuses for people’s behaviour, they’re never going to change 🙄

Exactly. You can’t control other people’s behaviour, only your own. Both the things you complain about could be resolved by you acting differently, rather than speculating about the possible neurodivergence of the people doing them.

But you didn’t turn her away at the door!

So when you saw her at the door, did you say "hey neighbour, I told you on Monday that I will be packing today, can't talk. Have a nice day" before closing the door? If not then you set the boundary but didn't follow through and now your neighbour knows that she can come in regardless of what you said.

Autism is difficulty with social interactions, communication, rigid thinking etc etc so if you have difficulties across all areas covered by an autism diagnosis then it's likely you'd be diagnosed with one if tested.

Being so caught up on what is rude may be because for years you've been 'performibg socially' to a set of learnt rules, something autistic people do to mask their social difficulties and now be upset that those rules are changing. That shows difficulties with social communication and rigid thinking

People don't have to change to fit your personal set of social rules. You realize that?

Oh Lord yes. Nobody can be just lazy, selfish, rude, or just downright unpleasant any more - they must have autism/ADHD or be a narcissist.

Might add that I have known one true narcissist, but didn’t realise until after he’d died, when other aspects of his carefully concealed behaviour came to light, and it all suddenly made sense.

I have ADD and well aware of my issues and actively have worked at my behaviour.
I actually read a thread here and know one of the first few replies will be ‘could they be autistic’ it infuriates me as it is becoming an excuse for poor behaviour in especially children and men.

You'll come across people to don't gel with in life. I can agree with you that that is not particularly polite behaviour but so what, how does it help? It sounds to me like you need better strategies/skills for navigating these relationships.

It's your front door to your home. She didn't (hopefully) threaten you with knives to gain entry. So why can't you keep her out of your house? Being blunt to the point of rude is fine when warranted and can be much more ND-friendly than not being direct enough to get your message across. With your colleague keep note of her inappropriate behaviours and bring them to your line manager. Also if she is demanding to check your work and that is inappropriate to her role then as a professional you need to be effective in telling her "no". Keep complaints about her behaviour to your manager factual and not based on feelings or interpretation - list actual things she did that impacted on your work, rather than saying she was annoying. You could also ask your manager to suggest strategies for you to use. Focus on what you can control and what you can't. You should be able to get a good degree of control in batting away a junior colleague and in stopping someone entering your home against your will.

@Barnbrack
People can and are able to curb rudeness and offensive behaviour, it’s not about changing it’s being aware of how you affect others.

you invite your neighbour into your home and then don’t say anything about how you don’t like it?

is she supposed to read your mind?

your junior colleague is there to learn from you. So teach her that her - explain to her that you don’t accept her behaviour.

and you admit that you know nothing about neurodiversity but are comfortable writing an ableist post.

the person needing excuses made for them is you.

What if changing some of those behaviours has a more negative impact on the person 'changing' than the original behaviour had on the person they offended? Who is more important? And why is it the offended person?

Not at all. Sometimes people are rude or whatever, why is anyone letting that effect them to such an extent? It's a busy world filled with lots of people, of you're not being actively damaged by something can no one just be annoyed anymore and move on?

Because if we went around induldging people in their arseholery because 'thats just who they are' the world would become highly unpleasant.

I don't think it really matters if they are or not in these examples. You don't have to let someone into your home because they are autistic. OP needs more effective strategies so she can hold boundaries with these individuals.