Am I in the wrong?

[YourKeenOpalMember]

So been with DH for 12 plus years. When entertaining DH’s family have always made lots of effort, spent a fortune catering etc.

In the past when entertaining DH’s family either pull out on the day, have to be chased for a response. Even made me switch the days only to tell me a day before they had plans after I had made everyone change their plans. Then one Mother’s Day, I decided to host for both sets of family, I made a ridiculous amount of effort and gave plenty of notice and no one on DH’s side confirmed until just before. It appeared at the time they were waiting for a better offer.

Things like Christmas etc, they will offer to entertain a few weeks before hand which by then we have already made plans, ordered food etc.

Every year, I always invite MIL round on Mother’s Day as I entertain my side plus brother’s family and MIL. Every year she declines.

Last year, SIL and BIL who leave even talking about Mother’s day until the week before decided that they should spend Mother’s Day all together, DH included. DH said no as we already had plans which MIL was invited to. A joke was made stay why was he spending it with me as I’m not his mum (we have kids together). DH done something with MIL day before.

This year, same as above, MIL was invited, said would let me know. Now SIL has booked a table, ages away from us, for her, MIL, DH, BIL, his wife and their kids. Table booking would mean husband is out of the house for 12-4. I feel incredibly hurt. DH has declined the offer. Little side note, DH did say to SIL they could all do something together day before which was declined as she had plans, also said he wouldn’t take our kids (hence why they weren’t included). Extra points, I have very serious food allergies which aren’t taken serious by his side hence why we always entertain at home. We probably see MIL once a month and I generally get on well with everyone.

I’m not sure if I’m being overly sensitive

Do you really get on well? They sound rude and self centred

Just stop inviting them.

Bollocks to that! I would stop bothering all together. You dont have to go NC with them or extremes, just stop with all the invites. If they ask just explain they never seem to want to come anyway so you wanted to stop making things awkward for them.

It’s a bit crap that MIL never gets to spend Mother’s Day with all her children as you host and only invite mil so probably puts her in an awkward position. Otherwise it just sounds like different personalities, you like to plan they don’t…

I understand why you feel hurt, but at least DH is backing you up. It would be worse if he'd said yes.

Stop inviting them. Go for a lovely meal with your family.

It does sound like you are quite determined to do things your way at your house. Then maybe because you are an organised person who plans early, you don’t really leav much room for anyone else to initiate a plan. Now that they have, I think you should accept it graciously instead of acting all hurt that you aren’t having it your way again. Your DH has gone alone with what you want every other time. Being considerate of other people means more than just planning what you want and inviting them.

Just to add it’s only been the last two years that anyone has ever suggested MIL spending the day with all her children. Both SIL and BIL would do stuff with their own husband/wives and kids. We would all invite her to our own Mother’s Day and she would usually just go to whatever child was going out to restaurant etc. I was the first one to suggest doing something all together years ago but it was very awkward as no one was confirming whether they were coming until just before (which was a pain as I couldn’t order food etc) and DH was getting angry. I didn’t want any family drama so I never done it again. SIL’s husband doesn’t make any effort, nor does BIL make effort for his wife on Mother’s Day but my DH really goes out of his way to make the day special for me and our two daughters.

Op they just want to do something just their family. You do amazing by including them but you’re including them in your plans, Id get why they want to make their own plans too. On mn people act like once you have kids that’s it but the very odd time it’s ended up just me and my family we’ve had such a laugh reminiscing about old times etc. dh lives near to mil so I always tell him to spend more time with his family as if mine were closer I would. Let them have their day together

Probably to add context. If we were all to go out for dinner we would be looking at table for over 20 people so it would have to be booked in advance. From previous experience with going out, it’s left to a few days before hand which leaves barely any restaurants to choose from, I have serious food allergies so can’t eat at many places so I have to be more organised. We personally don’t book a table as no one will confirm until last minute. Also there is a massive difference in disposable income so where people want to go can be very different. But yes I am a very organised person, always have been. I probably started organising Mother’s Day about a month ago.

It sounds like you want to make a really big deal out of mothers' day while they're not overly bothered. In my family it's always been a 'send a card' thing as opposed to something akin to Christmas where you need to keep score of who's been where each year (and get all aggrieved at any perceived imbalance). I can well understand why they don't want to attend a state banquet hosted by and at the house of somebody who sounds quite stressy, but because you invite them long in advance every time you put them in an awkward spot. They do sound a bit flakey but take the hint - they're not that bothered and don't want to spend all day at your house for mothers' day.

Is there an element of doing the same thing yet expecting different results here?

What different things could you try? Would something more casual that doesn't need planning as far ahead work better if they can be flaky?

They don't sound like they want to go along with your plans so I would just stop inviting them and making so much effort.

I voted yabu because yabu to have made SO much effort for so long for these knobheads.

I suspect others voted yabu for this reason too.

Insanity is doing the the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.
DROP THE ROPE.

It sounds like you want to plan things and host because of your food allergies as it makes things easier for you. While this is understandable, you can't always expect DG's family to want to be at yours every special occasion. However, they shouldn't accept then pull out last min or mess you about. They should politely decline if they want to make other plans.

As hurtful as it can feel to be left out, it doesn't feel unreasonable for MIL to want the occasional Mothers Day just her and her children. If it was expected every year and meant you didn't get to have MD with DH and kids, that would be unfair.

I think every family has their own way of doing things, and obviously yours is very different from his family. If you already had plans with your family, that sounds like why they didn't invite you - not because they didn't want you there? But I also don't think they're necessarily wrong for not wanting to come to you every single time, some people just prefer a casual lunch out or something rather than making and hosting a big event, which is your preference. your dh turned them down to stay with you, which is good.

We do generally get on well, wouldn’t say overly close but I think there is respect on both sides.

Your food allergies aren’t a reason for your mil and her other children to never have the Mother’s Day celebration that they would prefer. I feel sorry for your MIL that you can’t spare her son for four hours on Mother’s Day without it becoming a drama where you are ‘incredibly hurt’. Your DH would still have plenty of time in the day to support his children in celebrating you for MD if he was allowed to spend a little time with his own Mum. You are being very controlling.

You should also consider the fact that maybe the don’t want to spend the day with your family (your mum, etc). I’d find what you have described as full on and overwhelming. Even with people I have no problem with, it’s just all too much. You might like it but it all sounds quite controlled (even if you don’t think it is) and I couldn’t relax and enjoy something like that.

I have in laws like this. They are actually genuinely really wonderful people but their concept of planning and organisation, especially for 'big' days, is just bizarre. The best/worst year was when we had mentioned Christmas back in August, they'd murmured about going away by themselves. We said well let us know, heard nothing. On the 22ND DECEMBER!!!!!! they sent a text to the family whatsapp group asking if we wanted to go out for dinner with them for christmas day lunch?!?! Firstly no weve had plans for months.... secondly where would even be available on 3 days notice?

Over time I've had to just stop getting upset about it. You, like me, wont ever truly know their reasoning. Maybe they're waiting for a better offer. Maybe they think youre an awful cook. Maybe they don't like something about your house. Or maybe, and much more probably, theyre just flawed weird individuals like the rest of us and this is their flawed weird thing. Set some boundaries about response times and planning, then just let them be their own unique weird selves and you do you.

I don't think youre unreasonable but it sounds like you like to plan everything very far in advance. I know people like that too, they think they are being organised but it can come across as controlling.

Often people don't want to commit to plans weeks in advance and are happy to see how their weekend/Christmas/Mother Day etc works out closer to the time. This might be why you end up having people cancel because they had to say yes too early before knowing how everything else they have going on would work out.

You sound like you are trying to organise and take over quite a bit of their family socialising. It sounds like they like to do their own thing last minute and it doesn't fit with your formal, well in advance approach. Sending an invitation for something they usually organise amongst themselves does give them a dilemma. I would say it is kind of a hierarchy issue - you are assuming that you are of equal status in their family hierarchy and that if you organise and invite first that gives you some kind of first dibs claim on the event. But that is not the case - they like to discuss and decide rather than one person taking charge with an invite. You should let them take the lead and stop trying to arrange things, then either fit in with them or not, as it suits you.

I understand they are being difficult, but does DH need to be with you every Mothers Day, can’t he have a year with his mum? He could spend the day before with you?

I voted YABU as this sounds like you are verging into martyr territory.

Stop hosting and organising things for people who are flaky and treat you badly.

You aren’t responsible for maintaining a relationship with ILS, just drop the rope.

What a load of hassle! I wouldn't bother from now on, it all seems a bit forced and unpleasant