To feel awkward asking family for a loan in my 30s?

[TheCleverLemur]

I’ve always been financially independent and come from a family where money just isn’t discussed. No one asks for help.

I’m in my early 30s and for the first time I may need to borrow some money from family. I feel embarrassed even typing that.

For those who’ve done it, how did you ask? Did you agree repayment terms upfront? Did it change anything in the relationship? Not looking for judgement, just interested in how others handled it.

How you approach depends on the reasons. ie making a payment plan depends on how are things going to change in the future so you can pay it back. Do you have a plan? If so work the calculations and explain them.

Also be prepared for family member to say no. Have you got a plan B for if they do?

Yes, I do have a plan and I’d only ask if I was confident I could repay it. The emotional hurdle feels bigger than the practical one for me.

Why family? If you have means to pay it back, why not just borrow it yourself?

Not everyone has access to borrowing on good terms. I was more asking about the family dynamic side of it than the financial mechanics.

My sister asked my parents for a loan once and my parents decided to gift all the siblings the same amount so no repayment was needed but it was fair as all their children received the same Maybe your parents would do the same if they knew you were struggling?

If you have never been in debt before and good credit history - then getting a bank loan shouldn’t be a problem.

So if you’re not able to, does this mean you’ve had past issues with debt?

Does the family you plan have the money to lend you? Do you generally have a good relationship? Do you think they consider you a trustworthy person to lend to?

Most people will help someone they love. The way to go about it is to ask without expectation and with a proposal that ensures them that they will get it back. And then not be annoyed it the answer is no.

I think the amount depends

are we talking a few hundred or few thousand

is it for a good reason - like car broken

have a payment plan to replay in 6mths or longer depending on the amount

Weirdly enough recently had this convo with my sister. She was taking out a 9k loan for a car think it was 3k interest though. I suggested she ask our parents. Like yours they NEVER discuss money but we know they have it (both still work on their own business, and mortgage free on house worth over 1mil, fancy cars and expensive holidays) they've never offered us kids any financial help but we've also never asked.
Anyway she just text them saying she'd looking into the loans and could do it herself but was wondering if she could borrow from them instead as wouldn't have the interest. She said what she could afford to pay back monthly and said not to worry if it was a no. My mum just replied with a thumbs up and she had sent her the money by the end of the day. Been no kickback about it since don't think they've even talked about it in person.

If you can't borrow then that would suggest that you will have difficulty paying it back. Are your family aware of previous debt problems?

That’s really generous of your parents. I think every family handles these things differently though, it’s not always that straightforward.

I’m not looking to get into my financial history on here. As I said, the question was about the family dynamic side of it rather than the borrowing mechanics.

This is important. also if the family member can comfortably afford to lose that amount of money.

my sister is always asking for money. She doesn't pay it back. People don’t take her on as they consider her irresponsible.

people knowing you cannot manage your money will make them think differently towards you.

unless it is for an investment:

I guess it's relevant because your ability to pay it back does impact the dynamics.

Anyway, you can only ask and see what happens.

FWIW my parents have never lent me money, but I know they have to my siblings so probably would if I had asked. I only know because my sisters have told me.

Thank you, that’s really helpful to hear.

I asked my parents to help when I needed to buy my exh out. They lent me £50k so I could get a mortgage on my own.

no interest, but I do pay back as much as I can each month.

but…. My parents can afford it (they brought down £50k in CASH from their safe)

only downside….. if done without legal evidence it becomes tricky if you’re on UC as won’t be seen as a debt/loan

I’m not looking to get into my financial history on here. As I said, the question was about the family dynamic side of it rather than the borrowing mechanics.

As no one here knows your family, we can't say how they would react but we can make a reasonable prediction based on relevant facts such as:

The amount you want to borrow
What it is for (ie is it to pay off other debt)
How you plan to pay it back
Whether you have history of unpaid debts
Can they afford to lose it

These are all important to take into consideration before you consider asking them.

We borrowed 2k from dh mum in January.

it really rankled me, as we could afford to save it quite quickly, but as it was for a new boiler in January, waiting three months wasn’t great.

husband has a good relationship with his mum, I don’t really.

we are paying £500 back per month, so only own her £1000 now , and obviously very grateful that we didn’t have to wait/ use expensive credit.

she did tell him he had to keep it a secret from his siblings which is a bit odd.

I hate owing her anything and will be glad on the last day of April when it’s over.

mainly cause £500 is had to find !

Yes, of course, financial situations do vary but hopefully they would prefer to know about it and help you out if you are struggling. Good luck.

I'm early 30s and was in the same situation last year OP. It's tough I know, you feel all sorts of difficult emotions.

I spent AGES (too long) worrying about what to say then I sat them down and explained my situation. They immediately wanted to help and asked for a figure so I'd make sure you have that figured out. They didn't care about any kind of repayment plan but I have since got a job that has eased the pressure and amount they're giving. You'll feel better once it's done and this is just one hard moment in your life when you need help (in the context of a long life hopefully!)

We borrowed money off family a few years ago. We were very direct, explained how much we needed, what it was for and how much we could afford to pay back monthly/how long before it would be paid back.

Good luck op

Explain why you need it, what’s happened to make you need the loan.
go with plan! So for example I have lent £9k of my mum. I said I could afford to pay back £250 per month and the reason i needed the money off her is because in paper I didn’t earn enough to get a personal loan.

It’s a really tricky subject and I think each family is different, I approached my mum for a loan and she sent it to me no worries and stressed there was no rush for repayment but I will of course repay it once more financially stable. I think most parents are happy to help if they have the means to? I had the payment plan all worked out so told her how much I could repay and by when which I think helped. I think you build it up on your head about the awkwardness of asking and quite often it’s nothing like that! Good luck OP