To feel awkward asking family for a loan in my 30s?

[TheCleverLemur]

I’ve always been financially independent and come from a family where money just isn’t discussed. No one asks for help.

I’m in my early 30s and for the first time I may need to borrow some money from family. I feel embarrassed even typing that.

For those who’ve done it, how did you ask? Did you agree repayment terms upfront? Did it change anything in the relationship? Not looking for judgement, just interested in how others handled it.

Just ask. We have plenty of money, now and again our children ask for help. Id rather give it to them than it sit in the bank.

@Bjorkdidit Yes, my FIL charged interest because he has four children and needed that money for retirement.

Personally, I wouldn’t charge interest unless I had to, but everyone has different circumstances.

I would want my dc to ask me before getting into debt but would be unhappy if they already had debt.
I haven’t loaned money to dd but have given her money to help with situations such as new car or deposit for renting her home. I asked her not to pay me back. I don’t want her to struggle and at the moment her circumstances won’t change.

Definitely discuss the terms of repayment and keep to it. Once everything is in place and both parties know when and how money will be repaid there should not be any kind of awkwardness left... unless you dont pay it back. Then yeah... that might create awkward family relationships

The family dynamic gets awkward when the borrower doesn’t stick to their repayment plan, or has a tendency to always repay a few days later than agreed. It would get very awkward if they failed to repay. That all just makes you feel like you’re being taken for granted. As the borrower, it’s in your hands if the family dynamics become awkward.

I was in a very similar situation to you last year. Never asked for financial help ever before, but good relationship with parent ( who clearly has money ) I took a deep breath and made the call. Explained how much I needed, by what date, what it was for and how I intended to repay. I reiterated it wasn't a problem if they couldn't/didn't want to. I said please don't answer now on the fly and could we talk tomorrow. Then went into a regular catch up call. It did really throw my parent to be honest, as it was such a surprise. The next day they ok'd it, and explained how touched they were to be asked and pleased they were to help. So it was actually a really nice moment, dynamic remains the same as always

If you’re asking if you are unreasonable to feel awkward, no of course not. Anyone with an ounce of integrity/ pride would feel the same. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask, if it’s for a good reason, it’s a manageable amount of money for them and you can manage a decent repayment plan.
They can only say no, which of course you must be prepared for.
We’ve borrowed from parents before, but only really when we’ve had cash flow issues or an unexpected bill. Fairly small amounts and generally have been able to pay back in full by next pay day or a couple of pay days. It might help if you have a clear idea of a repayment plan. Be upfront if it’s really a gift you want and realistically can’t commit to a repayment plan right away, as I imagine could happen if someone loses a source of income for example.

With my second baby we went into our £500 overdraft so only needed £1000. I cried when I asked. This was around 14 years ago now. But it was a tough ask. We’d lost our way with a massive reduction in income to maternity pay. My lovely parents understood and refused us when we tried to repay. Now I pay for them to share my Netflix and Now account so I think we’re fair 🤣

Depends on the dynamics, my family are more open about money so recently my brother called and was like "I'm up shit creek, can I borrow 3 grand? Don't tell mum please and thank you." I lent it to him, no repayment terms, he'll pay me back as soon as he's got it I'm sure. There's a whole backstory about his car getting washed away in a storm (he lives in Texas, the storms have been ridiculous this year). Equally if I really needed it I could just ask him or my mum, if they had it, they'd say yes.

Dhs family are far more structured and formal, his parents recently borrowed a fairly substantial sum off us to help his brother put a deposit on a place as he was getting divorced and needed somewhere appropriate for his kids to live. They didn't even ask us outright, fil called DH for advice and talked him through the problem, at which point DH offered the money. There's also a signed agreement with defined repayment parameters.

It sounds like that's more like your family so maybe that's the way to go, explain the problem and see if they offer rather than asking for it upfront?

@Swissmeringue I think the amount and how much the lender needs the money repaid are also factors. As I mentioned upthread, my FIL lent his children money that he needed for his retirement. I don’t know the exact amount among all the children but I think it was tens of thousands- so he definitely needed a repayment schedule.