To feel awkward asking family for a loan in my 30s?

[TheCleverLemur]

I’ve always been financially independent and come from a family where money just isn’t discussed. No one asks for help.

I’m in my early 30s and for the first time I may need to borrow some money from family. I feel embarrassed even typing that.

For those who’ve done it, how did you ask? Did you agree repayment terms upfront? Did it change anything in the relationship? Not looking for judgement, just interested in how others handled it.

I have lent money to my adult children and they have set up a standing order to repay each month.

Then if you have a history of debt problems, I’d say no.

I wouldn't make a big deal about it, but do be prepared if the answer is no, and don't make a thing about that either.

Weirdly, I've been on the other side. I out salaried my parents in my early 20's so my mum would occasionally ask to borrow money from me if she got caught short some months. She told me it made her feel terrible, but when I explained to her that I'd always help her if I could and would rather she came to me than get into more debt with interest things became easier.

I would say, if you repay it in monthly installments, keep the payments on time/regular and if you cannot for some reason, let your parents know before hand. Missing payments is much worse than the asking originally, for both sides.

I do think it matters how much you want to borrow, what for and what your family dynamics are like but here’s my experience anyway.

We borrowed money from DMiL to buy a car She offered without us having to ask because she didn’t want us having to pay interest on a bank loan or car finance scheme but we did talk quite openly about needing to find the money somewhere so maybe they’d take a hint if you’re scared to ask directly?

We discussed what we needed to borrow, when she wanted it back by and how much we could pay each month. We signed a contract she’d made online and set up a standing order before she sent the money.

I was very uncomfortable with it at first. My main concern was being able to do things like go on a nice night out or have a holiday or decorate the house whilst owing DMiL money. She said she didn’t care what we did as long as the agreed repayments were made and we just have to trust her on that. Obviously there’s the worry that we might not be able to pay her back some months for whatever reason but that’d be a concern if we took out a bank loan or car finance agreement anyway. It is a bit awkward but if the family member can afford it and is happy to lend it it’s a good option.

When I was moving into my first flat (unfurnished) I asked my grandmother if she would lend me the money to buy the basics. I made out a list of what I needed with approximate prices and told her how much I could pay each month with interest. She absolutely refused the interest and offered to give me the money. I told her I would prefer it as a loan. I always felt the obligation to keep up the payments even if I was a bit short. As soon as I was paid each month I transferred the agreed sum to her, even before I paid my rent or other bills. When I had paid back half she absolutely refused to accept any more. She said I had kept my word and she was allowed to treat her grandchild. She also said she would be extremely angry if I tried to sneak it into her bank account. One did not argue with my grandmother. That was back in the 1960s. I never again borrowed money from a relative.

Is it to repay existing debt OP? Is that why you don't want to say what it's for.

I’d feel ashamed to ask so would never do it under any circumstances. There’s always an alternative.

Presumably you have a good relationship with said parents or you wouldn't ask them.
When we bought our first home my dad had been made redundant and willingly lent us the money towards the deposit.
We knew we could pay it back in one go and he never queried it, bless him he waited until we had the funds which was in a few months.so it really depends on the relationship you have I think.

I don’t think that’s very helpful to the OP

I've never borrowed off family since I was an adult. Parents would probably lend me some, but I don't want to ask. I've had bank loans for a car and a new boiler when I needed one.

I would feel uncomfortable asking people I know if I can borrow money from them because it puts them on the spot and makes them feel obliged to say 'Yes' whether they want to/can afford to or not. Either that or they say no and then they feel guilty, you feel embarrassed or resentful.

Either way, I prefer to keep finances on a non personal level - ie with the bank or a credit card.

My PIL have loaned their children (I believe all of them) money at various times. When my DH borrowed some at university, his Dad set up a spreadsheet with a repayment plan but was always willing to be flexible if DH had an unexpected bill, for example.

Once he was working, DH wanted to repay him as quickly as possible and did so. I think one of his sisters is still repaying a parental loan she needed during a period of unemployment in her 30’s (she’s now late 40’s). She had a mortgage and she told me that the loan enabled to keep the house/maintain a good credit rating so it has made a big difference to her life. I would certainly help my child in that situation.

I think it’s fine to ask as long as you genuinely intend to repay it and don’t mess them around.

I think the OP has said she can’t borrow it from a bank or a credit card though

@AmberDreams So if your child was made redundant, for example, and it took a while for them to find a new job, you wouldn’t want to loan them money to pay their mortgage or rent?

I would! I would hate to think of my child losing their home because they were too proud to ask me for help.

I would hate hate to have to ask my family for a loan.. think I'd really have to be on the breadline but that's more because all our family are good with money and totally wouldn't understand. Having said that I would absolutely have no problem giving a loan to a sibling if they needed it and I could trust they would pay it back ( and I had it of course)

I'd say ... ive something g to adk but I dont want you to give me an answer straight away as you'll need to think.it over. If tge answer is no, that's fine, I understand. I'd then say I need to borrow x for y and will repay it monthly by z amount per month.

If you could let me know within a week of your decision id really appreciate that.

I’ve never asked my dad because quite frankly, he hasn’t got a pot to piss in.

If I knew he could afford it and it was genuine need, I’d ask.
We have a good relationship and I’d like to think he’d help me in a time of need.

I'd go to them with a plan of how much you need, what it’s for and how much you can afford to repay.

Of course you must agree repayment and interest up front!

That is important. If there is a history of debt the OP needs to disclose it to the family member OP is asking for a loan. Otherwise if they find out at a later stage and consequently ask for all the money back OP would be in a worse financial state.

Also depends on what the loan is for. House needs an urgent rewire goes down better than a holiday.

Would you charge your adult children interest?

I mean, kind of understand if you’re losing out on interest if taking out of savings or something but personally couldn’t imagine charging my child interest.

Unless it is an urgent repair, might be better just to save up for it. No awkwardness or disclosing information or embarrassment.

I have loaned and given my daughter money several times over the years, we only have the one and can afford to do it. I’d hate to think of her worrying about money or paying back interest when I can help her out. It’ll all be hers anyway one day. I’m not at all wealthy, but have spare money and remember what it was like to be skint.

I've lent all of my adult children money over the years for various reasons - house deposits, legal fees, holidays, business loans, food.
Like other posters, my DS was looking to buy a car last year. He had arranged HP from the garage, but when I found out he'd be paying £3k in interest, I offered to pay. Now he makes his monthly payments to me instead and will pay it off 16 months earlier.
My eldest sent me a text message the other day saying 'Mummmmmmmm'. I replied with 'How much?' and just sent it. He'll pay me back when he can.

They're my children. I love them. If I can help them out in any way, I will.

Well be thankful you're more fortunate than others.

Lots of people rely on savings income to top up small pensions so can't afford to not have the money.

If you can’t even get approval for an interest free credit card then you obviously aren’t great with money op and it would be risky to lend to you surely

My sister, who was very proud of being self made and very wealthy, told my dad that she had plenty of money and if he ever wanted to borrow some - just ask. Dad did ask and without discussing it with anyone else but Dad she gave him £10k - he used it for a very dodgy investment(scam) and couldn't pay it back (he'd borrowed loads from other people too), so she thought all the other siblings should pay her back instead. I said a flat no, I was offered all sorts of payment terms to help pay off my Dad's debt but I still refused - she hasn't spoken to me since (8 years ago!).

I think if you are lending a friend/family member money, consider it a gift - if you get it back it's a bonus but if you can't afford to lose it - don't do it - if your parents can't afford to lose it - don't ask them.