To be discontent in my marriage because DH never takes the children out?

[bigcitykitties]

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

DH just doesn’t take the children anywhere. He’ll sometimes take the older one to something prearranged like a swimming lesson but he won’t take them both out to the park or soft play or anything like that.

It is starting to get to me a bit as I feel really stifled at home. AIBU?

What does he say is the reason when you point this out to him?

Mine rarely does either. So… i just insist he comes with us. 😂

YANBU. Absolutely not.

He should take them out, he should find activities and sports they can all do together, he should take them away for weekends, visit his family for example and basically just be a good role model of a man to them.

What reason does he give for not doing so?

This would bother me too. It's disinterest and laziness. How can you not be interested in your kids having fun? Giving your partner a break?

It's just bone idle.

Well, if he's just not interested, show him the door 👍🚪👋

What’s his specific issue.
Does he just not care if they get taken out?
Does he think it’s important that they get out and about but expects you to do it while he stays home?
Does he think it’s important that they get out but wants to do it all together, not on his own?

Have you asked him too?

They need to be told. Probably had a dad that didn't do it either.

Well, I don't disagree, but I know someone who was married to someone who never took the children out, and created great outcry about having to take them swimming once a week, and when his wife, who did literally everything for the children and the household as well as working in a demanding FT NHS role, finally got sick of it and divorced him, it took him almost eighteen months to have their children overnight in his new home because making them dinner and supervising homework and getting them to bed and up for school in the morning was just too much for him.

I feel so sorry for kids with disinterested fathers. Why did they even have kids if they just want to ignore them.

Can relate. It is worth hammering away at this imo because it’s not good enough, and because there is potential for it to get a lot better as the kids get older, but that will happen much more naturally if the hours get put in now.

In general, I’d say it’s better if they do it their way. If they hate soft play, ok. Does he do anything himself? What are his interests? Obviously he should be able to initiate getting children involved with his interests himself, but you are where you are. It’s shite, but the payoff is big enough to be worth it. So say/ask him. ‘How are you going to get the kids joining you at triathlon/gardening/woodwork/amateur dramatics? I love the idea of coming to see you all in action but I’m not sure what the first steps are?’ And give positive feedback to ANY action that happens towards that. It is nauseating, but it’s worth doing a bit of facilitating if they have made a plan that patently won’t work or will be obviously miserable (like not taking any food on a full day out or something) but don’t be too quick to step in.

TL:DR you shouldn’t have to - but you can encourage this.

It isn't just taking the dc out, though. You're unhappy because he's failing to do the basics of being a parent. He is choosing not to learn how to care for his own dc in a normal situation, and he's doing that because he believes he shouldn't have to, and you should have to do it all.

It's not incompetent, it's selfish and unloving.

Yet another man who sees parenthood as something he can dip in and out of as he pleases. Men like this are little more than sperm donors. Why did they get married and have kids?

I probably should have clarified as he will play with them in the garden and they go out plenty with just me or as a family. It’s just he never takes them anywhere alone. So I just feel like I’ve constantly got a child with me and I don’t know, lately it feels smothering.

Have you communicated this to him?

Not really. I probably should but generally he won’t listen to me anyway. So I’m not convinced it would make any difference!

I think it’s time to book yourself a solo holiday for at least a week and if he complains say it’s because he obviously needs an opportunity to upskill his parenting without you.

How old are they, OP? Mine are 4 and 2 and I have to admit that neither DP nor I would particularly go out of our way to take both of them out on our own. They tend to have competing needs and choose the same moment to be clingy. If I took them both to soft play the 4 yo would want me to play with him and the 2yo would need constant supervision and they definitely 100% would not want to play together. At the park, the 2yo would only want to go on the swing and stay on it the whole time, and the 4yo might be fine and go off and play by himself, or he might nag me to play with him, complain about the 2yo swing thing, and then have a meltdown. I'm not saying I couldn't handle those things, more that there's a good chance at least one of us wouldn't be having any fun. Whereas those types of outings are lovely as a family.

If DP or I want time alone, we'd probably rather go out and leave the other parent home with the kids.

I mean, we can’t make that happen……. You’re married and have chosen to have children with this man. Make him listen to you.

Do you go out without them?

The are five and two.

I don’t know. I am a bit unhappy and discontent at the moment. I feel as if things are very unequal in all sorts of ways and I don’t hold out much if any hope they can be ironed out, which means I’ll either put up with them or ultimately end the marriage but if I do that would be years later so not worth it on this particular issue.

More context is needed. Do you both work full time? Do you both get equal leisure time?
Do you take the kids out alone when you are both home?

I figured out with my DP the thought of "what to do for lunch" was the thing that was stressing him out about days alone with DD. We had a conversation about it. We planned, I sent him to shop with a list of what to buy for packed lunch and then I made a packed lunch for them both. Divide and conquer. And he headed out the door the next morning with DD feeling confident and happy with the planned day, and I got some peace.

I know some people might say "what an idiot, you shouldn't have to make a packed lunch for a grown man and he should be able to do that for his daughter" but...like many things in bringing up a child its about you both working to your strengths and helping the other out. Identify the barrier thats holding the other person back and help them with it. He then spends the day doing nice things with her (no problem in that regard) knowing he's got lunch sorted. There's other stuff he does that I don't get involved in that make my life easier. Play to your strengths.

Try and find out what the root issue is thats stopping him. Does he not like crowds / noise etc? Could he be tasked then with taking the kids to the library once a week to change their books? Something that becomes "his thing" with them that they do together.

More context is needed. Do you both work full time?

No; he’s full time; I am part time

Do you both get equal leisure time?

No. It’s fair to say nether of us get loads but I get literally none at the moment.

Do you take the kids out alone when you are both home?

Yes, sometimes.

Go out yourself and start leaving him at home; also make sure he clears up any mess that results from them being at home. He might start to see the benefit of getting them out of the house in terms of using energy and avoiding mess.
Alternatively or as well as this, ask him whether he thinks kids need fresh air and how many times a week they should go out. If he says four times, say great, which day do you want to do your two times?

I think DH just doesn’t because there’s no real need to. And in fairness the only need is my need to have a bit of a break from them!