To be discontent in my marriage because DH never takes the children out?

[bigcitykitties]

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

DH just doesn’t take the children anywhere. He’ll sometimes take the older one to something prearranged like a swimming lesson but he won’t take them both out to the park or soft play or anything like that.

It is starting to get to me a bit as I feel really stifled at home. AIBU?

I think a lot just go ahead with it because it ‘keeps the woman happy’. And the women either don’t see, or can’t see, that he’s basically not really that invested.

I think it's fine to say to him please could you take the kids to the park for a couple of hours this weekend cos I need a break. But be prepared to do the same if he asks.
But why not go out in the evening once or twice a week once they are in bed? The gym? Cinema ( on your own is bliss!!) .. Or with girlfriends?

which is a perfectly legitimate need.

My Dh was never great about taking them both out at the same time and to be fair, with a 4 year age gap, it was often hard to take them both out together. But he was totally fine with me leaving them both at home with hi so that I could get some downtime. Even though ild have loved a bit more downtime AT HOME.

So I think this is because you aren't enjoying the working part time and therefore the days you don't work I assume you have the kids alone, therefore it doesn't seem fair. If you generally don't take them out alone on the weekend either then I think you both need to give each other a break by doing this. I don't think he is being a lazy father, rather it is not necessary.
Especially when they were young I much preferred taking the kids out with the two of us and saw weekends as family time. So maybe he doesn't realise you want time away from them - especially as you say you haven't really communicated this.

I don’t really want to go out. Maybe that sounds a bit pathetic but I am tired and just want to recharge at home for a bit.

Yeah, I get that. I used to tell him I needed a break and was going upstairs to read/watch tv and he needed to keep the kids away. Didn't always work. And at this age, it was a bit easier - he'd take them to softplay or whatever sometimes.

I would also find it hard not to have any alone time in the house! It's the only time you have total privacy, solitude and rest.

Agree he should do it sometime - if only to give you a break.

Maybe a set time every two weeks?

The going out would be to induce him to go out and eventually enable you to be at home alone.
The alternative would be asking him and saying that you need e.g. 2 h per week at home alone. But probably that’s not an option otherwise you would have done it already.

The first step is to tell him what you need and what he needs to do to facilitate that. There's literally no point complaining about it here when you haven't even asked him. If you ask and he says no or just doesn't do it then your next step is to point out that you need equal down time and establish how much each of you gets. Then, if he still won't, it becomes a different conversation.

Maybe he'll surprise you. You don't know until you ask.

I do know @Everydayimhuffling ; I am married to him after all!

Just a bit down at the moment.

So you don't want to go out. You want your DH to take the kids out. But you want him to want to do that and do it without you telling him what you want?
Just tell him you need him to take the kids out so you can have a break. You've said he plays with them in the garden so it seems a bit extreme for you to assume that he would not take them out if you asked. If he was the type to be completely switched off from his DC I could maybe understand you not bothering but there's no reason to not ask him.

My dad did barely anything with me apart from taking me to garden centres. I was determined not to do the same with my kids.

Play the song Cats in the cradle by Harry Chaplin and tell him to listen to the lyrics. Great song and pertinent lyrics

"DH, I need some time alone - can you take the kids to the park/ soft play/ your parents/ the zoo/ Mars" - try that. If the answer is negative you aren't being unreasonable, but it seems to me odd to be discontent about something you can do something about.

You deserve time to recharge in whatever way works for you (finances allowing!!). I'd suggest he takes them one weekend morning a month at least to give you a lie in and chill, maybe bringing back lunch so you don't have to think about that either.

Thank you. I had no idea how to raise this myself until I read this 😂

Seriously it won’t happen, I am able to express myself, I don’t need scripts 👍🏻

Can you not ask him to plan an outing per weekend and you'll do the same? Or every other weekend?

Why won't it happen? I don't understand. Does he not want to spend time with them?

I've said to my husband before 'i'm feeling knackered, could you take DD to the park for an hour or so' and off he trots

I mean, it was a bit tongue in cheek. But you've said you've not asked. So you seemingly aren't about to express what you need? I assume you know words, so why can't you ask him? Because you think he won't listen to you?

So he's deliberately ignoring your wellbeing and doesn't care about you (or kids, who deserve a rested, rounded mum)? What a charmer.

We had an only but DH would take them out so I could have a break. Tell him you need a break and then tell DC that daddy is going to take them to park, soft play, cafe etc then go upstairs and leave him to it!

The problems is whenever I do attempt to speak to him about anything it somehow gets twisted round to me being wrong and him right.

I am probably being a bit unfair there as to be honest I don’t really like taking them both out either although it has got easier. I’m just resentful of a load of stuff and this is adding to it really.

This.

I think your later posts present a very different picture from the impression you gave in your opening post.

I think YABU in that he does play with them in the garden, and does go out and about with you as a whole family. It seems the issue is that he doesn't read your mind and somehow 'know' you want him to take them out and leave you at home without them as of course many posters would be offended by if their dh wanted to take the dc places without them.

This doesn't sound like a dh problem so much as a 'you not communicating' problem.

Five and two are difficult age to take out on your own. I don't blame your husband.
As PP says it is very difficult no matter what you think of - softplay, shop, playgorund or swimming.

You don't need to have a discussion on it, that can turn into right and wrong. You just make the request. I do think it's potentially unfair to be angry with him about something he might not even realise you want.

If he refuses then the issue isn't if you are being unreasonable because he won't take them out, it's whether you are unreasonable to be discontent because he doesn't not respect your needs, or takes you seriously. And then you are not unreasonable.

Resentment leads nowhere good OP, if you want to stay married and think this can be worked out then you need to make an effort to do that.

This is not a mature adult suggestion but could you trick him? So book tickets for a family day out (ideally something that can’t be rescheduled) but tragically come down with a terrible illness on the day - headache will do - and it’s not fair for the kids to miss out just because their mum is ill, so off you all go… and then you nurse your headache/chill at home. Might that work?

You could also deploy this for an upcoming family event on his side, if there is one suitable - he can take the kids while you get over sudden mystery food poisoning.

I feel I should explain that I used to have to think like this with a terrible ExH, but my DP is amazing and often takes the kids out on adventures that I get jealous hearing about! Yes, that includes his stepchild, who is old enough to wonder why Dad can’t do the same…