To say im on maternity leave not house wife leave

[Cloudyonasunnyday]

Had second child 5 months ago. Becoming increasingly frustrated that I’m very much the default parent / housekeeper (I don’t mind the parenting Element as much as I am on maternity leave) but I seem to be picking up even more house work than before. I feel like I organise absolutely everything from food shops to laundry.

DH wfh and has a lot of downtime which he will spend lazing about / going to the gym etc I think the fact he’s at home and under my feet is half the problem. If he was at the office everyday I would know he cannot physically help so wouldn’t get so annoyed maybe ?

I’ve reached out a few times to him about feeling unsupported and he’s sort of agreed to do more but then nothing…

I think I’ve come to the realisation today that he expects me to take care of the whole house due to being on maternity leave

AIBU to be enraged ?

I've seen this too often Op, new DM ends up doing nearly everything on maternity leave and by the time they return to work their DH / DP have got used to it and expect it to continue. If he works from home then outside of work hours he needs to pull his weight. Sort it out Op or you'll start to really resent him and that kills relationships

What was your husband like before you were pregnant?? Did he pull his weight around the house? If he's always left the home to you, or a very large chunk of it, then nothing was likely to change by you being on maternity leave. If he used to pull his weight, and since you've been maternity leave, has stopped, then he sees you being at home, being the default person for all household chores.

Regardless of the reason, you need to sit down and calmly explain that you being on maternity leave, doesn't mean he can absolve himself of all household/parenting responsibilities. You need to tell him what your expectations are now and going forward. Unfortunately, a lot of men see maternity leave as their wife/partner lazing around at home!! Ridiculous? absolutely. It's bonding time with your child, to rest/recuperate from giving birth and getting yourself into a routine.

Also in maternity leave here, and I would agree that the fact he works from home is probably adding to your frustration. My DH is out of the house full time so I don’t mind being the one doing the majority of the washing etc but I also know when I go back to work, he will be back to doing his share of washing and the likes (my 2nd mat leave). I think it also depends on what he’s doing with his free time. When DH gets home from work, he wants spend his time with the kids, whereas I want a break from them and enjoy cooking so this set up works for us.

DH recently suggested to get a cleaner again because even though I’m off, I just can’t face cleaning bathrooms constantly. He doesn’t want to spend his weekend doing it either - that’s fine, so cleaner it is. Maybe this is a conversation you could have if affordable?

Your lead points are:
We both need to have the same amount of downtime, so if you get a couple of hours to yourself, so do I.
I can see that we are struggling to keep a balance here, how do we want to split the jobs up initially? Let's review in a month to make sure things are still balancing out.

Did you not have a conversation before the baby?

If you don't nip it in the bud now, and have a very sincere, very frank chat.

"DH wfh and has a lot of downtime which he will spend lazing about / going to the gym etc "

Tell him you're not doing it all any more.
Point out how much downtime he has.
Tell him you want time to go to the gym (or whatever your thing is) and that he has to pick up the slack so you can do that.
Set boundaries.

Stick to them.
Why is he such a lazy bastard, willing to let his wife carry the burden even though she's told him she needs support?

He's getting away with what he can get away with.

Don't tolerate it.

He should help out but he has a job and you haven't at the moment. If you can afford it get a cleaner.

This is the point that at which if you don't swing things back in the other direction, the status quo for the rest of your relationship will be set.

It's very common. Yes, he thinks he's hit the jackpot basically. All the boxes ticked, wife, 2 kids, house, socks washed, dinner on the table at 5.30, lots of free time for relaxing pursuits. It's the blueprint.

Maternity leave is why women end up becoming the ‘domestic manager’ in even previously very equal relationships. It’s like a 1950s factory reset takes place because you are at home… then when you go back to work trying to establish new routines is incredibly difficult.

Two things from your post:

• tasks and routines: give him the jobs he needs to do now. Don’t let him fall into the habit of not contributing
• time. A huge frustration for me on Mat leave was my zero freedom, while DH did whatever he liked. So to your example, when WFH would announce going for a run. They do not see that you can’t just do this, and how annoying it is they can - and that actually if they have free time wfh… that should be also used to support you, not just for them.

The latter in particular they just don’t get. It’s impossible to unless you have been 24/7 ‘primary carer’ for a bay. He will think you’re on Mat leave so have loads of time… not realising there is no escape from the baby.

Everyone I know goes through this phase, it’s not al, just keep discussing it.

How does a day normally run?

If you foodshop during the working day then it's reasonable that you would pack it away because he's working.

So move that to the weekend.

You shop, he looks after the kids.
You unpack, he looks after the kids.
He finishes work, you cook, while he looks after the kids.

I wouldn't even raise it with him again, just shift it into the weekend and once he realises that his weekends are filling up, book a few days out - lunch with your mum, a hair appointment, seeing a friend.

Get rid of the sacred idea of weekends are family time. You literally have time in the week woth your babies. If DH doesn't want to do stuff in the week to make weekends for family time, then he gets his time woth the kids then. Shame he can't prioritise better but that's not your job to organise.

Her job is childcare for their baby. Do you know how much it costs to hire a full time nanny for a 5mo?? That would not include life/house admin either.

I would be very annoyed if I felt like you OP. I’m currently on maternity leave but me and my partner very much treat it as if my full time job is looking after the baby. Neither of us used to do cleaning during the days when we worked full time (mainly office based), we shared it all and did it at the weekends or possibly evenings. So why would I be expected to suddenly do this now whilst also looking after the baby?! Luckily my partner very much recognises how little free time I actually have while having the baby constantly in my care. I do take full responsibility for doing all the little one’s laundry, and I do empty the dishwasher every day otherwise the dishes would be piling up, but that’s it. I wouldn’t even dream of getting the hoover out or cleaning the bathroom when I could be spending time with my little one instead.

Since having our baby my partner tries to WFH one day a week, but doesn’t always manage it. On those days he uses his extra hours at home and his lunch break to spend time with me and our baby.

Thanks for all the comment and suggestions

he was lazy before baby but I suppose it didn’t bother me AS much as I wasn’t so busy. To be clear though I have always asked for more help and it’s been a persistent issue. Before having the baby of course he promised he would help more (fool me)

I don’t want to say he does nothing he will do things when specifically asked but often with resistance.

I want to just enjoy time with my baby but I’m the sort of person who cannot relax amongst mess so I will often put him in the carrier and get the hoover out etc

I really like the idea of moving tasks like shopping to the weekend, I worry he will genuinely see that as my “free” time though (ridiculous)

I have a more stressful and higher paying job than him that requires a small element of travel so I’m very worried about going back to work and how the dynamic will look. I would love a cleaner but can’t afford it at the minute maybe when I go back…

I am going to start cutting out time to get back to the gym / see friends etc x

The reason I point out I’m a higher earner than him is relevant because I think he compares us to his friends relationships where the male is the higher earner and the woman works part time / takes on more house work.

ive pointed out to him this isn’t the case with us but I think he struggles with it

I generally didn’t do significantly more housework while on mat leave. I was on mat leave to care for a very young baby, the house was both responsibilities.

If you do everything on mat leave you’ll continue to do everything while back at work too imo.

She has a job, she’s on maternity leave. It’s a temporary leave from her job for a very specific thing.
Would your DH be doing all the housework because he was on sick leave for a week and therefore not working?

Sounds like it should be 50/50. Tell him to step up or get out to work.

He doesn't struggle to understand it, because it doesn't suit him to. He doesn't care.

You need to stop yourself from ever using the phrase "helping out" ever again. That implies it's your job to do it all.

Suggest that you hand the baby over and just leave the house to go to the gym or whatever. Don't discuss it, just go.

If that's what he does, it isn’t a problem is it?

You need to give him jobs to do in the house and keep him busy, don’t put up with being the default cleaner / housemaid

Not correct at all - OP is on Mat leave - her ‘job’ is to recover from the birth and look after the baby!! All other tasks should be shared between OP and DH in a way that works for both of them.

You both live there, you are both parents, you both work full time. Therefore there is no justification for you doing more, having less free time etc and other peoples set ups are irrelevant - just because his mates Dave and Pete are lazy twats is no reason for you to pick up his share of housework. I'd be telling him that if I have to remind and nag the resentment and change of relationship dynamic to parent / child will kill our relationship

Still getting over the borth 5 months later? The op does not have a job

Then why is she getting paid from it?

Maternity leave does not make you unemployed. That like saying you’re unemployed while on annual leave or recovering from an operation.

OP is currently employed therefore she has a job, it’s a fact not an opinion.

I would love a cleaner but can’t afford it at the minute maybe when I go back…
🤭
Maybe he can take on this role...at say 3 hrs a week twice a week deep cleaning, obviously ontop of sharing other household duties. to make up some of the differential between your wages.
Be aware that this is exactly what would happen if the roles were reversed. If not more.
So try this as your starting point for negotiation, or even push it further if you want to end up in this position.

I’m the sort of person who cannot relax amongst mess

So he has you over a barrel.
He can opt out, because you pick up the slack.

You can't nag him into being a tidy person who cleans stuff.
There are three options:
1 You accept living at his standards and learn how to turn a blind eye.
2 You clean to your own standards and learn how to deal with the resentment.
3 Or you split up.

Assuming you don't want to split up, there are a few strategies that might help:

One - don't monitor who does what jobs, monitor down-time. Make sure you get equal leisure time to go out, or time sitting on the sofa looking at screens.
If necessary, take it to extremes: when he is sitting on the sofa, you sit too. If he asks when is dinner, you say "shall we look in the fridge make something?", then don't get up off the sofa until after he does.

Two - don't be the primary parent. This means letting go of the reins. Let him do it his way, don't micromanage. Go out and leave him with the baby, without a list of instructions of what to do or not to do. Let him decide what to feed baby or if baby needs a bath. He will work it out.

Three - don't be the default parent. This means at weekends and in the evening (i.e. not during the working day) he has to check with you first before he can make plans to go elsewhere or be involved in something not-baby-friendly (like cleaning out the garage). He can't just go ahead without checking with you first that you are free to do the childcare.
Point out to him every single time he has gone somewhere or started a task and just assumed that you will be on childcare duty.
If he persists, just get up one morning and go out without any warning - leave a note on the kitchen table or send a text to say you have gone for a walk and will be back "later". Let him experience the feeling of suddenly being stuck with the baby with no notice and having to change his plans. If he doesn't get the message, repeat as needed.

Four - don't give him bits of jobs, give him the whole area of responsibility. So you don't say 'can you put a wash on' - either all laundry is his area, or it is yours. Or you don't say 'remember to buy loo roll' - either household supplies are his area or yours. You are not his manager to hand out tasks as and when.
This means a sit-down discussion where you agree who does what - laundry, bins, car stuff, food shopping, other shopping, cooking on certain nights, dishwasher, cleaning bathrooms, garden, etc.
Then most importantly, you don't tread on his territory. You leave his areas of responsibility to him, and let him fail, without stepping in. Grit your teeth, bite your tongue, you don't get involved if it is his responsibility.