Do you love your body?

[Jigglywigglypuff]

I hate my body. I wish I didn't, and I try not to, but I really do hate it. I hate that my belly is constantly flabby looking and has wrinkles all over it from pregnancies. I hate that my face is sagging and puffy after the pregnancies. I'm not even 30 yet. I've been eating quite a bit lately at dinnertime because I'm so stressed out right now. My skin is breaking out from recently taking anti-biotics and from the stress. I've stopped eating lunches to try and keep weight down.

I used to be so confident. I used to be really in shape. A horrifically toxic relationship ruined that and my ex has just completely gotten into my head. He would always tell me how I never got back to how I used to look before kids and when I restricted calories. I just constantly hear his voice telling me how I never got back and its created this obsession within me that i'll only ever look good if I look how I did before kids, which of course will never happen (without surgery). I feel guilty for eating anything lately.

I'm too embarrassed to go to the gym. I find working out at home daunting because I'm so distracted by all the housework that needs doing as well as caring for my kids. I don't want them to see my pick myself apart in the mirror and do this to themselves, too. I don't do it in front of them but they will likely see me in years to come and I pray im not still doing it then.

People all agree I'm not actually fat. My DM always says things like she wishes she had a figure like mine, I'm lucky I can fit into small clothes, and so on - but it feels so patronising and I hate it when she says it.

I'm at the lower end of the BMI scale, which is why I can't comprehend why I actually look this bad?? It's my stomach and face that bother me the most.

It's upsetting because I love wearing revealing clothes that make me feel confident to events and in summer and on holiday, etc. But I'm trying on these outfits and looking in the mirror and feeling like a complete fool for thinking I can wear them. My belly wrinkles when I move or bend down and I don't want to be shamed or laughed at in public, even if it's not to my face.

How do I feel confident again? I'm going to try and restrict calories again but when I did that last year it made the loose belly skin even worse. I can't win. Am I just doomed to wear baggy clothes 24/7 and accept that I'm just not good looking anymore? This post sounds so egotistical and I already hate myself for it.

Do you love your body? Do you accept it's flaws? How do you find confidence to wear clothes that make you feel good if you don't love your body? If you didn't used to love it but now do, how did you achieve that? Have I just gone mad? Sure feels like it.

I have also self-referred for therapy to get a professional perspective on this, but have been told waiting times are over a year.

You are being unreasonable - work to fix your body if you hate it

You're not being unreasonable - it's all in your head, wear what you want

I think some counselling might be useful here.

You say you want to “wear revealing clothes” do you know why that is? Were you raised to think the male gaze was something of very high value? Higher value than your sense of self esteem?

It seems your toxic ex has done quite a number on you. Your appearance should be the least interesting thing about you. 💐

Yeah I hate mine too

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP. I can’t vote because neither option reflects how I feel- if you’re not happy then you can absolutely work on things, exercise, eat more protein, but equally you should absolutely wear what you want regardless!

I would say I love my body, I’m nearly 4 months PP with my second baby, have 2 under 2 so my body has really been through it to say the least and I definitely don’t look the same way I did pre-pregnancy but that’s totally normal. This body grew and fed/is feeding two babies, this body carries me round miles and miles of running usually with a running buggy, it carries me through gym sessions, long walks- honestly the way my body looks is the least interesting thing about it! I’m back to pre-pregnancy weight but I will never look exactly the same as I did before my babies and that’s okay!

Try to take the focus off of what your body looks like. Running is great for that, focus on how many mins you can run for, how many miles, what speed- even if that speed is slow to start with or the distance is short. Yes the byproduct of running/training is a slimmer and more toned physique but the process really does make you see your body as far more than just how it looks x

I don’t hate my body. I see it as a vessel for me to do what I want to do.

When I was younger (I’m now 45) I was slim and had a conventionally “good” body - size 8ish, long legs, good boobs, 5ft 7 etc etc. But I hit my late 20s and developed all sorts of autoimmune issues including lupus which completely floored me and I was put on all kinds of powerful drugs which have meant the weight has piled on, I’m now 15 stone and my stomach has a lot of excess skin and fat from where my weight has gone up and down. I don’t recognise myself in many ways but I’m actually okay with my body. I mean I wouldn’t say no if I could wake up tomorrow and be 5 stone lighter but I’m just happy it’s letting me (mostly) do the things I enjoy doing. How it actually looks isn’t all that important to me anymore; maybe that’s an age thing too. I don’t know.

For me personally battling health issues has completely changed my perspective. I used to be quite harsh about people who were overweight (how embarrassing to admit that) but I now realise it’s so much more complex than I realised.

If you’re really unhappy and you can do things to change yourself and that will make you happier then why not, but try not to wrap your self worth up in your image.

I really hope I can be seen in less than a year as this is eating me up. He really did do a number on me and I hope this isn't going to be my thought process forever.

I don't always wear revealing clothes, I just like to sometimes because it (used to) make me feel good getting dressed up in girly outfits and feeling pretty and stuff. I actually hate getting attention from men which puts me off wearing them, but I like the fashion aspect, I'm very much into fashion, and if me and my friends get a chance to meet for drinks, we dress up just to drink in one of our houses lol.

Thank you for the reassurance. I feel he has just created this obsession within me whereby its all I can focus on. I don't know how to fix myself in any regard

No, I don’t hate my body. It’s my home, it carries me through life, and it works tirelessly to keep me alive and safe. You can work with it to help it be the best it can be, but why hate it? The comment about revealing clothes is disturbing. Why do you feel the need to objectify yourself like that?

Thank you for the support and advice. Its nice to read someone else with kids speaking so well about their body. I don't appreciate my body at all and I think it starts with that. I do a lot each and every day, and my body enables me to, yet all I focus on is it's flaws. I feel so immature right now. You know, people have always recommended running to me but I never felt like doing it until reading it how you phrased it. I'm actually going to give a shot so I can focus on something other than what I look like. Thanks for this ❤️

Sorry to hear about your auto-immune issues, I've heard a lot about how lupus affects the body and it sounds horrible. And thanks for the advice, I genuinely appreciate it. I feel like these comments are already making me realise ive placed all of my self-worth into my appearance, and it's all because of him. I hate that this is how it is, that it happened and that it's having such a profound effect on me. I also spent years having a low opinion of overweight people, and it is so embarrassing to think that. I still struggle with these thoughts now and hate myself for thinking it. I think this also ties into me thinking self-worth is dependent on appearance. Appreciate your honesty. I've never spoken about this to anyone so these comments are quite eye-opening.

Thanks for that perspective. I guess I just have a low self-esteem from the years of abuse I was put through. Im looking for help on how to overcome this without being told to essentially "just do it". It isn't always that easy.

As for the clothes, pasted from a different reply:

I don't always wear revealing clothes, I just like to sometimes because it (used to) make me feel good getting dressed up in girly outfits and feeling pretty and stuff. I actually hate getting attention from men which puts me off wearing them, but I like the fashion aspect, I'm very much into fashion, and if me and my friends get a chance to meet for drinks, we dress up just to drink in one of our houses lol.

Would also like to add by revealing i mean legs or stomach showing, not heavy cleavage or ass out, lol. I want to wear what I want and feel good in it. I just don't anymore.

No.

I hate my body. I have a neurological disease which means I use a wheelchair.

my body is crap and can’t do most of the things that normal people my age can - I can’t run or cycle or dance. I can walk a few steps but that’s not much.

it’s hugely limiting and fucking annoying.

Selfishly glad to know I'm not the only one tbh. Sorry you hate yours too. I love that other people love their body but it also makes me feel like i'm the only one with the problem. I so wish I could just accept it for how it is but it feels impossible right now. When I tell myself I look great and should love my body I know its just a lie and so fake. I hate my brain

Physically, it is okay, it works, looks in good shape to the outside world because I am slim but I am not very healthy or kind to my body so the aches and pains are a warning that I am ignoring.

God, sorry to hear that. Now I feel like a complete twat for even posting this, let alone thinking it. I could give an inspirational speech about how being disabled doesn't make your body any less than others but I know that would just be patronising and cause your eyes to roll lol. Though I don't think you should hate it, you're still here and alive at least. I appreciate your honesty.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I honestly think for the vast majority of people how they feel about their body is a mindset thing rather than based in objective truth. I know a woman who absolutely could be a model, conventionally stunning. Always beating herself up, restricting, judging herself so harshly.

For me, I am objectively fine. 12-14, so many greys coming in, glasses, body that has birthed and breastfed two babies so I have to scope the boobies up into steel reinforced architecture to get them above the belly button, absolutely look like someone's mum.

But I do genuinely love my body and I think it's a large part to who I have around me. You mention your ex and I think the words of those who are meant to love us can be so healing or hurtful. Despite being absolutely bogstandard my husband shows me off, flirts with me, loves my body and that absolutely impacts my thinking. I also surround myself with positive people and we big eachother up.

The biggest thing though was having kids. I was self critical before having them but now this hunk of flesh literally created life... I am a god, fear me. It holds up as I'm tackled by the totally feral life that refuses to go to bed and allows me to carry them through this chapter of their life. Wouldn't swap that for any number of abs.

Get a PT, tell them you want to be strong, and start lifting weights. It’ll teach you to appreciate your body for what it can do, not how it looks in revealing clothes - and it’ll improve how you look as a bonus.

Im ignoring many aches and pains as well. My body is crying for help and I'm restricting calories and bitching about my belly. Pathetic.

Op you need to get that hateful prick’s voice out of your head!
You ARE your body.
you don’t have to like how it looks (I’m 2 children later (one alive, one not) and I definitely look nothing like I did when I was 30.
But if you don’t learn to nourish yourself then you can never live a full life. You do what it takes to get to live as you would if no-one was looking. Wear whatever you want. Life is very short and we are only ever an accident or an illness away from losing everything we rely on for survival. Fuck the aesthetics- if you live yourself enough it will feel right.

Thank you for this. Made me laugh at parts lol. I only wish i had boobs so big i needed a huge steel bra, sadly after breastfeeding 2 kids I'm still a B cup (damn you genetics).

Your husband sounds lovely, I so hope I can get one similar. I think your point about surrounding yourself with positive people is highly significant. It has only now dawned upon me that other than the few friends I meet up with once a blue moon, I am entirely alone. Other than my wonderful mother, but she is biased, of course. I think that because for the majority of the time I am alone with just my own thoughts my brain has gotten the better of me here. Very interesting indeed. Thank you for this comment.

nah, when I was young and beautiful and before I became disabled I hated my body and didn’t see how lovely I was.

i had a brief period in my twenties when I was largely ok with it.

me being disabled doesn’t make your issues any less and I know because I hated mine more when I was able bodied but had people (family) around who made me feel uncomfortable with it and a lack of confidence.

my body pisses me off these days but I have no problem getting changed in front of other people (do a lot of outdoor swimming) so I don’t like it but I know objectively no one cares anymore.

I feel embarrassed to get a PT as my brain has convinced me its going to be some perfect model woman or man that's going to think wtf is this saddo doing here. Ridiculous I know. I used to lift weights in my prime, too, and almost feel like im competing with a past version of myself. I realise I sound completely insane and it's because I think I actually have lost my mind. I have had the thought that getting a PT would make me feel more confident at the gym not being alone, but I'm also highly anxious so what if I want to just leave mid session? Is that not really awkward and embarrassing?

I don't see much kindness toward yourself in your post.
You've survived a relationship with a toxic misogynist.
You've brought babies into this world.
You're a responsible and hardworking mum to those babies.
Pat yourself on the back for that.

I see evidence of a woman-hating piece of shit in your past.

Do not restrict calories. Do not skip meals.
Start including healthy veg, fruit, and protein at every meal.

Go to the gym. Work on your abs and do cardio.

Buy some nice moisturiser with sunscreen. Wear it every day. Wear a light moisturiser at night.

Buy some perfume you fancy. Wear it every day.
Do your nails.

Go and get a proper facial if you have the time.

You are at the age when every woman starts to look less like a teenager. Make the most of every opportunity you have now to set yourself up for the next fifty wonderful years.

I really don't hate my body. I am 56, have always been overweight and have a bit of bad health in an auto immune way but on the whole it's done well for me and carrying and feeding 5 children. It's not perfect but I'm not sure I've ever aspired to that or envied that in others. I think a big acceptance of myself and my body came when I was 32 and I lost my Mum who was only 54 from cancer. She was healthy, outdoorsy about size 14, never smoked or drank and she died from a cancer that couldn't even be treated other than palliatively. It grounded me, like rooted me right in myself and how lucky I was to be walking about. My first child also has diabetes, diagnosed at 3 years old... My dear friend, to whom I am close in age, has MS and it has robbed her of so much.. all of the aforementioned would like the luxury of complaining about how their body looks... Bodies can let you down and I just cannot get into hating the one thing I have always had and that has carried me and my children safely too. I don't know what to tell you to help how you feel but I really have a deep appreciation for a body that works and I'm not overly worried about the aesthetics of my flab. I do dress well though which I do care about...

Thank you for the raw honesty in this post. I wish I could evict him from my brain but he remains there like he pays rent. Im so so so sorry about your child. I love that you have this perspective regardless. I think my being very anxious is heavily contributing to my mindset, but I just cant seem to shift it.

That being said, you were right that I could just kick it anytime. What a waste it would of been to let other people's opinions limit what I wanted to do. I appreciate the perspective, thank you

I have had 4 sons. 3 normal deliveries and snapped back into shape. i've always been a curvy size 16. 4th son was emergency c section. Lost 2ltrs of blood, woke up 7hrs later in HDU and I have never got my shape back. I am a size 20 now.
My stomach is hideous. I hate how I look. Even my face has changed. Haven't worn makeup in almost 3yrs (youngest ds will be 3 in August) bc I feel what's the point? Be like putting lipstick on a pig. Husband says i make no effort but I look like a sack of shite, no clothes would look nice on me. Ds is also thought to be autistic so he takes up 99% of my time....I feel you op 💐💜

There's a book called Whole Again, by Jackson McKenzie that you might like to read.

It's about recovery from toxic abuse, and the journey back to feeling good about yourself.