Do you love your body?

[Jigglywigglypuff]

I hate my body. I wish I didn't, and I try not to, but I really do hate it. I hate that my belly is constantly flabby looking and has wrinkles all over it from pregnancies. I hate that my face is sagging and puffy after the pregnancies. I'm not even 30 yet. I've been eating quite a bit lately at dinnertime because I'm so stressed out right now. My skin is breaking out from recently taking anti-biotics and from the stress. I've stopped eating lunches to try and keep weight down.

I used to be so confident. I used to be really in shape. A horrifically toxic relationship ruined that and my ex has just completely gotten into my head. He would always tell me how I never got back to how I used to look before kids and when I restricted calories. I just constantly hear his voice telling me how I never got back and its created this obsession within me that i'll only ever look good if I look how I did before kids, which of course will never happen (without surgery). I feel guilty for eating anything lately.

I'm too embarrassed to go to the gym. I find working out at home daunting because I'm so distracted by all the housework that needs doing as well as caring for my kids. I don't want them to see my pick myself apart in the mirror and do this to themselves, too. I don't do it in front of them but they will likely see me in years to come and I pray im not still doing it then.

People all agree I'm not actually fat. My DM always says things like she wishes she had a figure like mine, I'm lucky I can fit into small clothes, and so on - but it feels so patronising and I hate it when she says it.

I'm at the lower end of the BMI scale, which is why I can't comprehend why I actually look this bad?? It's my stomach and face that bother me the most.

It's upsetting because I love wearing revealing clothes that make me feel confident to events and in summer and on holiday, etc. But I'm trying on these outfits and looking in the mirror and feeling like a complete fool for thinking I can wear them. My belly wrinkles when I move or bend down and I don't want to be shamed or laughed at in public, even if it's not to my face.

How do I feel confident again? I'm going to try and restrict calories again but when I did that last year it made the loose belly skin even worse. I can't win. Am I just doomed to wear baggy clothes 24/7 and accept that I'm just not good looking anymore? This post sounds so egotistical and I already hate myself for it.

Do you love your body? Do you accept it's flaws? How do you find confidence to wear clothes that make you feel good if you don't love your body? If you didn't used to love it but now do, how did you achieve that? Have I just gone mad? Sure feels like it.

I have also self-referred for therapy to get a professional perspective on this, but have been told waiting times are over a year.

You are being unreasonable - work to fix your body if you hate it

You're not being unreasonable - it's all in your head, wear what you want

Yeah. I do love it now I’m in my 40s. I spent years hating things and I’ve now made peace with lots of things. I’m not claiming it’s objectively great but it’s got me through!

I don’t hate my body, I don’t love my body. There are parts I like more and parts I like less. But it’s literally just a vessel that carries me through my life, like a car kind of. Yes I’ll take my car to the car wash and give it a hoover to maintain it but if it’s got a couple of dents or isn’t the newest shiniest model, I’m not going to hide it in the garage. I’m still going on the road trip.

Go on that metaphorical road trip OP, the first couple of drives are the hardest and then it gets easier.

And please don’t be afraid to join the gym, I go to Nuffield now and have been to 3 other gym chains previously. This is my favourite because the type of people are so nice, there are all ages, shapes, sizes, abilities and everyone is just having a laugh. I do adult ballet and I’m crap, most of us are, but it’s a laugh and it’s how I’m creating my community. I do yoga too, never thought I’d be voluntarily sticking my bum in the air but here we are… it’s not really about my physical fitness, but mentally it’s really helped

sending you all the love

Is it sad that this comment made me tear up? Jesus. Nobody has ever really praised me as a mum and that meant a lot to me. I do work hard for them, so thank you for that.

I do feel insecure neglect myself a lot and then judge myself for it and it creates this toxic cycle that I'm currently in. Maybe I should treat myself and pamper myself more. I just always think if I spend money on myself it'd be better spent on my kids so I don't do it. Perhaps I should.

Im looking into creating a diet plan that focuses on nutrition rather than calories alone. Im reading now about calorie deficits impacting mental health negatively and wondering if all the restricting is just making this worse. And yeah it is a weird age tbh, im just beginning to look so... different. Its just getting harder to accept. Thanks for this though, it really did mean something to me.

I am a recovered anorexic, and my mum has had anorexia for 40+ years - I think it took these experiences and being in that deeply dark place for me to truly appreciate what our bodies can do and what it needs to simply be able to function, and rather than using food and exercise as a punishment, I try and think of them as a necessity and a way to look after my body. Sorry as I know this isn't useful, practical advice - but I suppose what I'm trying to say is changing your perspective on your body can have an impact on how you feel about it and how you treat it. Being obsessed with food and weight was a truly miserable place to be and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Please don’t restrict calories too much OP. You need the energy to live and have fun with your kids.
could you try going to the gym with a friend? It could help you tone up where you feel you need to but also give you a nice endorphin hit, happy hormones 😊

How old is the abusive Ex now ?

also a mantra that helped me massively is ‘do it anyway’. I also have anxiety, which started during a bad uni experience. I allowed it to rule my early twenties. Then one day chatting to a friend I said that I didn’t want to join my friends on holiday because I was anxious and I was waiting until I’d grown my confidence and she said ‘do it anyway, do it with the anxiety otherwise you’ll wait forever’. I went on that girls holiday and 2 years later I solo travelled around Australia. I wouldn’t have recognised myself. All I needed was a kick up the bum

I’m on holiday at the moment and people watching. I see so many women confidently rocking their bodies by the pools - overweight, cellulite, droopy boobs. They don’t care. It’s inspirational.

Not just now but I’m usually v fit and have had an unexpectedly intense work period and let it slip a bit. I’ll get it back though, hopefully this isn’t forever.

You sound as if you have been through a lot need to give yourself a break op. Without sounding too cheesy (!), think of all the things your body allows you to do which you do love and work from there.

Would it help to think of your emotional scars as having a physical form which you can help to heal? If you can somehow start to experience caring feelings towards yourself and your body you can feel towards it,will try to treat it well and nourish it. Food and exercise can often be used as a form of self punishment.

Apologies for the state of that post, I’m knackered and my brain is struggling to communicate in a human way.

I think you need some serious therapy op.
i feel neutrally about my body - it is what it is, my dress size doesn’t determine my worth. I exercise because it makes me feel good and strong and powerful and I want to have good health in my old age.

In time, you'll come to realise that his voice in your head was his insecurities, and he had to put you down to feel better about himself as he was aware that you could do so much better than him. This was how he dealt with his fears and to keep you with him. Everything he said was a lie.

I'm 56. I used to have a cracking body when I was younger. Even though this body is bigger, wobbly and has its own map of the world scarred on it, it's still a cracking body that's done miraculous things. These are my battle scars from carrying and giving birth to 4 wonderful kids, including a set of triplets.

It continues to do miraculous things. I'm here, relatively healthy with 4 wonderful adults that I've raised to be good human beings, and make me laugh more than anyone else I know.

You are more than your body, you are your intelligence, kindness, caring, nurturing, bravery, daughter, mother, friend. Nourish it with good food, eat some chocolate, have the odd drink, embrace everything you have in your life, because you're not a victim, you're a survivor and people love you for who you are, not your dress size.

No. Informative years early 90’s. Skinny and perfect only acceptable. Whilst I didn’t have bulimia or anorexia my relationships - romantic and friends - always impacted by my weight: heavier - evil and miserable. Lighter - happier and rational. It’s a fucking awful legacy.

Not really. My bowels are a nightmare, I've had fissures a few times. Recently I seem to have developed an anal cyst that is causing pus and leakage. Waiting for a hospital apt to see if they can fix it.

Add to that self harm scars and excess hair and I generally avoid mirrors. Luckily I'm single so no one has to see me. I keep fit to try and keep my spirits up.

Oh, I absolutely LOATHE my body. But only because I’m currently overweight and feel knackered and hate the way I look in the mirror. None of the clothes I like look good on me.

I’m fine with my body when I’m fit and a healthy weight because I look and feel about a million times better.

The only place I don’t feel self-conscious about my body is in the bedroom where weirdly I have no inhibitions.

Chatgbt is great for diet and exercise plans can be totally honest with it and it will refine answers. Good luck

How I feel about my own body is very mixed up and I'm too tired to go into it tonight !! What I wanted to say regarding PT's is at the gym i go to there are PTs of many shapes and sizes both male and female. You don't need to be intimidated xx

Sweetheart, I wish I could just give you a massive hug. You’ve got so much going on at this age and stage, and you’re living in a world which sends some horribly damaging messages to young women (which you still are).

I’m 56 now but back in the day, I was quite attractive and glamorous, in an alternative sort of way. People saw a good looking, slim woman. Was I happy and content and confident? Hell no. I grew up in an abusive and neglectful home, left home and dropped out of school at 15, had periods of homelessness, took drugs, drank too much, and had some really terrible relationships with men. My self-esteem was so tied up in their approval because my sense of self-worth was zero. It took me years to finally move forward, get some therapy and realise I was more than all of that. Having my own daughter at 37 was a massive part of that. And also getting older, wiser and less interested in what I looked like, and more interested in how I actually felt. Now I don’t want to be skinny and eat less - I want to be strong and healthy and eat what I need. I’m no longer constantly comparing myself to impossible and fake beauty standards and finding myself lacking - I’m hugely grateful to be healthy and have a body that mostly still does what I’d like it to. I do CrossFit and yoga and walk a lot because I enjoy those things and I want to be around for my daughter for as long as I can. I don’t even think about what I look like most of the time, which is weird when I realise it used to define me because I felt like it was all I had to make me appealing to other people.

You are so much more than your outward appearance - I really hope you can get some help so you can learn to see that sooner than I did - It’s unbelievably freeing! And anyone who tries to feed on your insecurities to make you feel bad about yourself is not someone you need in your life. I wish you all the best on your journey - I’m glad you posted on here so all these smart women can share with you. We’re all fighting a society that is designed to make us feel less than we are - but you CAN learn to love and value yourself, and be a fantastic role model to your own children.

I don’t think your being unreasonable, but as someone whose struggled with and low self esteem I can see myself in your post so much.
its okay to not LOVE your body, but to actively hate it is so draining for you and ends up in spirals of self loathing. If you can afford it, it really suggest finding some therapy (from a registered BACP therapist for low self esteem. Sending lots of love xx

No I don’t hate my body but I’m now 50 and it’s taken many years to feel ok about it. It’s not bad for someone of my age but for years after I had my kids I hated it because it was so different to what I was used to and I expected to get back to what I looked like before. God knows why I thought that. Even after doing exercise it can’t ever look like before because I grew 2 huge babies and I am not a big person.
I still don’t love the way my body looks but I don’t care as much because am proud of what it does and has done.
Plus, I’ve had many friends who have had cancer or health issues which have changed it and they still look amazing, scars and all. I’ve had 2 operations which has left several scar on my belly but the alternative is worse so don’t care.
I also follow body positive women on social media which has helped enormously. Look up Danae Mercer, she’s brilliant. And I block all accounts which make me feel less than. Remember that most people are more worried about their own issues than your looks. They are also only seeing a snapshot so don’t see what you see, especially as you are probably hyper focused on your flaws. They see the package that is all of you which is probably awesome.

Definitely pamper yourself, you’re worth it and you deserve it. By looking after yourself you are inadvertently giving something your children… a mum who is happier and a good example for how they should treat themselves in future. Perhaps set aside a budget each month as a ‘you’ budget if that helps

I am fat. I have cellulite and stretch marks and wobbly bingo wings. But it’s my 53 year old body and it is. Me and tells the story of my life. It’s birthed three babies, miscarried one, survived breaks and accidents, beaten cancer is coping with liver, kidney and heart damage, immunotherapy induced arthritis. It has travelled the world, embraced many challenges and suffered great loves
and great heartbreaks and much much more. So maybe I wouldn’t look at it and see it as my dream body, but it’s mine and it has served me well and every mark and wobble is all part of my story. It’s quite literally been with me through thick and thin from day 1 so yes I love my body and I love myself. It’s my storybook, my friend and constant companion.

Yeah I do love it. It's been through a lot. It's not perfect, I'm still not all that well, but it made my babies and fed them for a bit and that's kind of something, I like some parts others not so much, but having had my ex be so cruel, it's made me a little kinder to myself iyswim

I do love my body. It's strong and healthy despite me having put it through hell (anorexic teen, drank FAR too much in my twenties and early 30s, never an 'addict' or even dependent but a very 'party' lifestyle) and various illnesses and I am still going strong.

It's not perfect to look at, I have put fat on recently that I need to lose but overall I am very very lucky with my health and that's what's important. You sound as if you have a body a lot of women would envy if we're talking about aesthetics. I agree some cognitive restructuring (through counselling or self-taught) would be useful here. Both for body acceptance and to get your ex out of your head. You don't need to value the opinion of a stupid insecure male any longer.

I've never even once loved my body. But recently I was diagnosed with an uncurable illness that I will have for the rest of my life. So now I have had to learn to be kind to my body so I can live. So it's taken a serious illness to make me start respecting and caring for myself.