Leaving new job

[NameHasChanged1]

I recently started a new job because it pays better, but I worry I’ve made a mistake. In my previous role I only had to go into the office 1 day a week. This new job was advertised as “hybrid” and I assumed that would mean maybe 2 days in the office (my bad didn’t discuss during the interview, but 1or 2 days is standard for this type of companies). The reality is very different:

• Week 1: 3 days in the office
• Week 2: 3 days
• Week 3: 4 days
• Week 4: 5 days

On the days I’m in the office I’m out of the house for around 11 hours door to door. I have a child and I just can’t be away from them that much, it feels completely unsustainable.

Im married to a useless man, marriage is breaking down. My husband has his own business but doesn’t contribute financially to the household at all, he sometimes even asks me for money for his business. At the same time he expects me to do everything at home.

I have no savings and no family around to help, which makes everything feel even more stressful.

Financially I do need to work, but I don’t know how I can keep this up long-term. I’m also worried that as I’ve just started, I have very little flexibility to ask for reduced days or changes.

I’m honestly inclined to just give up and start looking for something remote or with just 1 day in the office again. For context, I’m an accounting professional currently on £50k.

I feel really stuck and overwhelmed right now and would really appreciate any advice. I don’t know what to do! My body says No to this job and No to this man. I want to start fresh with my child 😭 I should’ve left my husband, not my job which I really loved!

Also working in an accountancy practice. Hybrid working is offered to all senior level staff and above at 2 days per week wfh. This is outlined to all new staff and is only available after probation, no wfh at all during this period. I'd ask for a copy of their policy

I had a very similar experience and ended up going back to my old job, with a pay rise, after just 4 months of the new role. Keep in touch with your old boss - their offer to someone else may not work out, and even if that person takes the job they may not pass probation etc.

Also clarify with your manager what exactly the 'hybrid' in your contract means if you have been in the office 5 days last week. Can you not just block out in your calendar the days you will be wfh? Companies these days usually have an anchor day for each team so that people are seeing each other, then you can choose the other days you go in, do they not do this?

You can also totally just start looking for a new job. Probation period is as much for you as it is for them. If they have advertised as hybrid but actually you're doing more time in office than not, then there is absolutely no problem with you deciding this isn't for you and going somewhere else.

All the extra money is useless if you are commuting more and seeing your kids less, in my opinion.

Thank you all! I agree, more money is useless if it means less time with the kids!

It would be worth speaking to HR about a more flexible approach to working from home in light of your likely impending separation from your husband as your child care needs will change. Also, if you were sold the job as hybrid then 5 days in the office is not a reasonable expectation. You have nothing to lose by asking nicely and they may be helpful and supportive. If not, you would not be wrong to look for something else which would fit your needs better. Good luck, it must be a very hard time but you will get through it.

I would never assume “hybrid” meant only 2 days in the office, not in the current climate. I would assume 3-4 days in the office (and would definitely clarify before signing anything).

I think you should suck it up and look for a new job in the meantime.

More money is seldom “useless”. Higher pay means you can afford to take unpaid leave in the school holidays and spend time with your kids for extended periods of time. Presumably you also see your kids every single weekend, bank holiday and when you take your paid annual leave?

Is your husband worried about how much time he spends with his kids?

And that’s fair enough, but in every place I’ve worked, there is a clear pattern of those with young children having school holidays off and those without tending to request other times (with exceptions of course).

So it’s not odd for a parent to be disappointed that their workplace is unusual in that they can’t have time off in school holidays.

For me, I’d be changing jobs. My children need me and I deserve to spend time with them. I’d be finding a workplace that doesn’t rely so heavily on others leave requests (ie choose a more flexible or larger employer).

As an aside, before I had children I wouldn’t have minded choosing different dates to accommodate parents. It made zero different to me usually which week I had off, I appreciate that’s not going to be the case for partners of teachers etc or those holidaying with parents.

Hybrid at my office is 3-4 days in the office so I think you'll want to be much more clear as you are job hunting next time. Maybe focus on WFH 100% roles? yes, you made a mistake but you can start to fix it. Think the first thing is starting to make plans to leave your husband... which will help you figure out what you need to earn and where you need to live etc.

How long is the commute to the new job? Car or public transport? I know the old job was only 1 day in the office, but what was the commute for that?

I'm shocked that you didn't ask what 'hybrid' means, as it's such an amorphous term and can mean anything from 1 day per week WFH to 1 day per week in the office. If the latter was what you want/need then why on earth didn't you check???? NEVER ASSUME, IT MAKES AN ASS OUT OF U AND ME. Have you never heard that phrase?

Anyway, can you bring yourself to contact HR at your old firm and ask them to consider taking you back? How much of a drop in pay would it involve? If you're dumping your 'D'H anyway, who cares what he thinks?

One step at a time.

1. see if new job will take more flexibility
2. tell your useless OH more money means he has to step up, non negotiable
3. you’re good enough to get a new job, keep looking. Family is most important but you also need a good salary if you want to leave and go solo.
4. make plans to give yourself security and a way out if OH doesn’t buck up his ideas
5. communicate with OH if you want to save relationship- tell him straight. But only if you want to. Don’t let him drag you down - he sounds controlling and using you for your money

See if you can go back to your old role ?

Oh he's definitely a "D" husband.

A real "D"! 😬

Sounds like he just wants OP to earn more so he can sponge more. Git.

Make sure they know that you're very happy to return if it doesn't work out with the new person! Best of luck 🤞

The biggest difference is usually holidays are cheaper in term time, so... When I didn't have kids I was very happy to take those dates!

Yes I was thinking this, is it because your new so more “Meets & Greets” etc..

First speak to your line manager about it, explain the hardship it’s causing and see if you can agree the one or two days.

As for your husbands business - are your payments being done as directors loans ? How is it recorded because you’re entitled to it back.

I would start looking for another job straight away and possibly, if its possible, open up my search area and plan to leave my husband at the same time and move where I can get the job. He may not want you to leave but doesn't have a choice if you do. 11 hour days are unsustainable long term and eventually you will burn out. You have to put yourself 1st.

It is not up to him! Turn this around, he is not allowed to do his ridiculous job anymore and he has to go and get a decent one and start paying up.

I’m 61 …I still like school hols as I take my GC away …..everyone has the right to request school holidays …..you are not more entitled because you have young children

Perhaps but you’re choosing to take GC away, parents have to care for children. If parents can’t expect to you annual leave during school holidays, then how do people expect them to juggle working with having a family?

If young people don’t have children, the older generations suffer. Parents need some support.

Early weeks will be training and getting to do the job. Most hybrid jobs aren’t immediately in the pattern advertised

Your post doesn’t make sense. You’re conflating loads of different personal issues and are expecting your job to fix it instead of putting in the hard work to fix it properly.

I feel as well, I’m stating the obvious here. Your marriage has broken down. You’re expected to do all childcare tasks and all household tasks and this job. Why, are you not just ending the marriage? You know, it’s an untenable situation. People in normal marriages support each other - you don’t have that. Ie People in normal marriages would do more housework if their partner is now out of the house 11 hours for work in a job they pushed them to take? Why are you expected to do everything at once? Where is the compromise?

You already know it’s a shit marriage and he’s making life harder for you. You’re not respected etc

So you need to sort the actual issue out.

it’s a dumb time for you to be unemployed because you’ll be in a worse position to leave

I would speak to HR first and say your circumstances are likely to change and is there any chance of working more flexibily? See what they say.

If they say no, you could definitely look for a new job.

Just to add OP, if you do split with husband, make sure he is willing to do his fair share of childcare if he is a good dad, or that you are financially supported through cms if you do more because working and looking after a child can be hard as a single parent without the above.